When is enough enough?

[Bullrider]

My 76 year old mother has BPD, though not “officially” diagnosed. She won’t go her help. “There isn’t anything wrong, I’m fine if you would all just leave me alone.”  I’m a nurse myself and have seen it many times. I’m the POA for her if she can’t make decisions for herself. My question is, after 50 years of abuse from her, when is enough enough already? The insults, past physical abuse, continuing verbal abuse, pitting my kids against one another and myself... when is it ok to just be done. I have given so much of my time, effort, and all I have to support her, love her, and be the daughter I should be and I’m tired of the drama and abuse in return.

[zachira]

You are asking a question that only you can answer. Many people on this site are/have been in similar abusive situations with a mother who mistreats them. My mother with BPD died last summer. At first, it was a relief. Then it turned into a nightmare as my siblings have been more abusive than my mother ever was. I would say there are two main factors involved in making your decision. Can you actually just shut the door on your mother if you choose to do so? In my case, I own properties with my siblings which they refuse to sell, and my brother refuses to settle the estate. If you were to shut the door on your mother would that actually bring you the relief you are seeking? The pain we feel can continue even though we are no contact with the abuser, as there are lots of losses to grieve when you are raised by a mother that was unable to love you. The good news is whether you go no contact or not with your mother, you can get to a point where whatever she has done or does will not bother you as much, for either as long or as intensely. Having an abusive mother, is a lifelong sorrow. In my experience, taking time to be present with my feelings while gently moving my body for about an hour a day, helps tremendously, in not getting too emotionally overwhelmed by all the present and past family abuse. My goal these days is to be the best person I can be for that day, which helps with all my anxiety by wishing I did not have to deal with my abusive siblings and their enablers. You clearly feel that the torture of having to deal with your mother can not end soon enough. What helps you now to get through each day and to feel better?

[madeline7]

Bullrider, In your profile you wrote that the relationship depends on the day, or hour, or how she is doing. That right there is the issue I have with my elderly uBPDm. It has always been dependent on how SHE is doing. Without regard for anyone else. My Mom is much older than yours, and I have been doing lots of work to set better limits with her manipulation. But it is so hard, as she is quite elderly and the guilt starts to creep in. Then I remember what she has done, and continues to do, and I say "Enough". So for me, it is what is the lesser of the 2 evils. At this point in my life, as i am getting older as well, I do feel enough is enough. Yet I am trying to be LC rather than NC as she gets older and trying to be compassionate. It is a very difficult balancing act. No matter what you decide, or if you try various tactics and change from LC to NC to LC, we are here to support you.

[curious quandary]

Welcome bullrider!

Yes growing up with and interacting as adults with BPD mothers can be very tough. I can definitely relate. My mom is undiagnosed but exhibits all the signs and my grandmother, who has passed, once raged and went full on silent treatment for a year over a birthday card. You are not alone.

This isn't an easy decision. I think with any decision, trying to come up with more than two options is one of the keys to making a good choice. Try to aim for 3-5. Think outside the box. Ask lots of questions. What would those options look like? Can you experiment? What are the opportunity costs? Can you gain some emotional distance before deciding?

I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

[Bullrider]

I'll fill in more to the situation. I should have done so in the beginning. There are 3 kids, myself included. I'm the youngest. The middle sibling passed away 3 years ago of a Meth overdose. During his life in and out of jail, using drugs, she continually denied his drug use/abuse, pretended that he had "diabetes" rather than a drug problem. She blamed my older brother for the middle sibling's problems. Of course it was all our fault. We were the punching bag.We watched as she coerced money from her elderly parents to support his drug habits and to pay his way through life. I finally had to emotionally distance myself after being tired of being beat up. Now over the past 3 years, my brother died of a meth overdose, her ex-husband (my dad) passed away 9 months later of cancer after she finally reconciled with him (She had been convinced of several lies related to the divorce that was 30 years prior), her current husband had a massive heart attack and passed 5 months later and her mom just passed away in January. It's been enough to set of a normal person- then you have someone as unstable as she is, watch out world.
When her husband had the heart attack, I showed up at the hospital, despite all the nasty things she said about me and helped her out. It was the right thing to do. I stayed by her side, helped advocate for his care for 5 months. I traveled from out of state multiple times, spending over 10K because it was the right thing to do. I've called her nearly daily since to make sure she is ok and have seen her a number of times, brought her up to our home for a visit, helped her get insurance because she was left with nothing, etc.
Her mom had a sheriff deputy living on her ranch that was slowly taking advantage of both my mom and grandma. When my grandma passed away, it got worse. He wrote an agreement to purchase a ranch valued at 2.1M for 1.75M with my mom financing it for 40 years-because he couldn't qualify, at an interest rate of half the market. It was a scam. He had been living on the ranch for several years without paying any rent. There were other details that I won't get into but it was clearly a case of financial elder abuse, taking advantage of someone at an emotionally vulnerable time. My brother and I both reported him to his department, it's been turned over to the district atty's office as part of a criminal investigation. My mom doesn't see it that way at all, she thinks she is being investigated despite multiple people explaining it to her. Looking at the situation, she has replaced my brother with the deputy (who has a history of taking advantage of elderly). He is now pitting my mom against us which is pretty easy given her instability.
I'm emotionally exhausted from the years of abuse. I have tried for years to help her, take care of her, I've taken her punches, I've forgiven her for choosing her perverted boyfriends over the safety of her daughter, I've put up with her talking crap about me to my adult kids, I've done what I can. I just don't have the emotional energy anymore. My kids know the truth. Sadly, my brother feels the same way. He lives closer to her and is happy to not see her again. Initially, I was encouraging him to give her time and be patient with her. I tried to explain her mental illness to him. He gets it but we are both just tired and exhausted and beat up by the monster.

[Charlie3236]

I hear you Bullrider & I feel this on such a deep level. I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve lived through, any one of the things you’ve described could send someone into a tailspin. You certainly sound calm and wise in your approach.

Every time you say “it’s the right thing to do,” I cringe bc this is how I’ve opened myself up to more and more abuse from first uBPD mother, and now dBPD little sister. It’s absolutely heart-wrenching to have all of your love and best efforts go unnoticed or worse twisted and thrown in your face. But I guess that’s the nature of BPD.

The word monster really does seem to fit, especially with someone who is supposed to love and take care of you. I hope you’re able to find peace with this! 

[Turkish]

That you've done the right thing is a testament to your character. Though not involving that amount of assets, I think I did the right thing as well.  My mother was attracted to a number of unsavory characters, some of whom took advantage,  one family trying to get my mom to adopt them as adults. My mom's 5 acres was a hook...

Adult Protective Services finally told me that as unsavory as my mom lived, she was still an individual entity, protected by law, to make her own poor decisions. Not that I needed it, my inheritance was lost.  My mother became a ward of the state. I was tired and done after accusations of elder abuse.

My childhood was tough with her, as was my dissolution with my uBPDex,  but separating from my mother, after all I did to help, culminating with accusations of criminal elder abuse (financial and physical), was too much. If it were only me, I could have taken more, but I had my pups, now 8 and 10, to worry about, my primary family.

I saw my mom's likely situation 20 years ago. 15 years ago, I was so frustrated that I told her that I should take her to court to get conservatorship. She smirked and said, "I'd like to see you try!"

She ultimately lost everything, no matter how I tried to help, and my solutions weren't abusive or weird, but logical and math.

[Bullrider]

I chose the name "Bullrider" because I feel like I'm riding a bull with no opportunity to get off unless I fall, then I'm vulnerable to being stomped on and gored by the horns. Sound familiar?

As sad as it is, it's nice to know that I'm not alone and there are others that have lived with this. I appreciate the support. I haven't spoken to her in 3 days, typically I call her daily. She hasn't called or sent any text. It's nice to not have her drama but once again, a part of me is mourning the loss who she should be. I really thought I could maintain contact with her for the sake of a relationship.

One of the questions that the DA investigator asked me recently was if she was competent. My answer? Define competent. Can she pay her bills? Yes. Does she drive? well, yes. Safely? no. Does she live alone? Yes. Does that make her competent? She is certainly not. She has nearly burned her house down twice in the past 6 months by leaving stuff in her oven and BBQ and never called the fire department. She frequently runs red lights while driving. Road rage? She is the queen. She very closely resembles patients I care for who are detained in the ER under emergency holds.

I am the one who has POA over making medical decisions for her. My brother has POA over her finances. She hasn't told me she is taking me off and she hasn't told my brother that he is no longer POA. Honestly, she probably doesn't want me performing that task. It sounds harsh but I can't do it. Last week she sent my husband a significant gift because that is what she does- she craps on me and does something nice for my husband. We took it back today, I didn't say anything to her, we just returned it. She'll get the credit back. I don't want it, neither does he. She can't buy his love while she treats me the way she does. My husband and I are one. I wrote her a letter telling her that I'm done with her BS, spelled out very specific examples of recent lies and shenanigans from her but I haven't sent it, when/if I do, it won't be by email, it will be mailed.

[Turkish]

One of the questions that the DA investigator asked me recently was if she was competent. My answer? Define competent. Can she pay her bills? Yes. Does she drive? well, yes. Safely? no. Does she live alone? Yes. Does that make her competent? She is certainly not. She has nearly burned her house down twice in the past 6 months by leaving stuff in her oven and BBQ and never called the fire department. She frequently runs red lights while driving. Road rage? She is the queen. She very closely resembles patients I care for who are detained in the ER under emergency holds.

It sounds like you may be covering for her. It might be a good time to get Adult Protective Services involved in order to have another view and support, apart from your relationship with her. I found the APS social worker so supportive, even though I felt guilty. I couldn't bring myself to call, but suggested the sheriffs deputy call APS. My mom called the sheriff to report that I stole her purse.