setting boundaries with adult BPD child living at home

[Lary]

Working with my therapist who identified BPD traits in my 37 year old daughter. My husband and I want our daughter to be independent, i.e. get a job and move out of our home. She has become intolerable to live with. She won't speak to her dad because his political views differ from hers. She is overwhelmed with fear that my husband and I will die from COVID (We're both over 60.) so she insists on doing all the shopping. She has berated me for not sanitizing the groceries properly. She uses abusive language especially toward her dad. I told her if she kept that up she'd have to leave our home. She did - so I told her she has to leave. She exploded with tearful outburst: We'll die without her to do the shopping We're heartless to throw her out during the pandemic. She'll make sure we never see her again. She said she feels abandoned and if she lives alone she may commit suicide. My daughter can be very loving. She finally graduated from college in a field she is passionate about, photography. She is very creative and talented, but she needs to get a job in any capacity now. I know COVID hit her like a "ton of bricks". She knows she has mental health issues but is resistant to getting legitimate psychiatric help. We're willing to help her financially to get a modest apartment while she finds employment. I'm fearful I'll back down as she throws what she feels are real obstacles to moving out in my way. I'm grateful to have a skilled therapist to help me through this process, but I'd like to hear from those who've gone through similar situations. Having two sons with substance use disorder (One in long term recovery, over ten years! and one who relapsed last month, but is now in therapy) I know about enabling, manipulation and letting go. But it's just so difficult.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi Lary,
When you click on my name,( or anyone's ) on this forum, you can see previous posts and get a back story. It is wonderful to have one's own therapist ,as mine has helped me with boundaries rearding my adult BPD son , who in addition , abuses substances and has a mood disorder .   My son did manage to graduate college but completely could not " adult" and got very sick while living with me after graduation.  I rescued and enabled him almost 2 years after him graduating because I thought he came so far against obstacles/ I was a single mother and had guilt anyway.  I didn't recognize his illnesses were a lot stronger than I was and he continuously refused any therapy/ rehab, etc.  I know it cuts like a knife to have to enforce a boundary with abusive behavior from our BPD kids.  To this day I still have self recriminations for letting go, even though it was the right thing to do at the time. 

The choice is certainly up to you and your husband this time around with your daughter.  I don't know if a possible altered boundary with  could be " get therapy or get out" by ________date.  That way there is a little cushion there without backing down completely from your original boundary?  Just a thought.

[Lary]

Thanks, Swimmy55 for sharing your story. Whether single parent or married, we all have felt a certain amount of guilt. I hope I have the courage to set boundaries. My husband and I did give my daughter a list of requirements for living at home that included therapy and getting a job. She has until the end of the month to agree or move out. She has said she won't leave, so I worry about how to get her out of the house. I dread having to call the police for support.
 Any suggestions? 

Lary

[GaGrl]

You might need to go through a formal eviction process.

[zachira]

What are some small goals that your daughter could easily accomplish? Small steps can become big steps.













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