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Author Topic: Help BPD broke up over shallow reasons. Is this a split or discard?  (Read 385 times)
blackhole90

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8


« on: August 12, 2020, 06:04:14 AM »

My dear members,

I am in a really bad place with my uBPDex right now - and I really need your help ASAP, please!

My untreated but diagnosed BPD girlfriend broke up with me all of a sudden due to some weird and twisting reasons. I was working on a thesis for 6 weeks. First 4 weeks were fine, she was supportive but devaluation appreared little by little and she startet texting back and forth with an exBF of hers from her hometown, during the 3rd and 4th week. Then I told her I need to move back to my place again, since I would be able to better focus on finishing my thesis. She came by often to have dinner or watch a movie after a whole day of writing on my part. By the end of the 5th week she came by straight after work, and we had an argument due to her early arrival that day, which interfered with my working schedule. This subtle argument lasted for about 6h and ended in makeup sex, after which she was behaving weird, so I called her out. She then went into a rage and left my place at 3am in the morning. Next day she called me, to tell me her gynaecologist told her she has to come in, which made her assume I cheated on her. I told her I didn't do anything, she doesn't know about and that she first should attend the appointment to find out whats going on, before accusing me of such BS. Next day she calls me, telling me it had nothing to to with me. I told her fine, let's meet up. She said, better not, because we should draw some consequences from that. I said fine, as ever you wish. She started texting me, that she can't do it anymore and that she can't see me 'like that' anymore. I ignored those texts, since this was 3 days before the deadline of my diploma thesis and I just wanted keep focus on finishing. Later that night she broke up with me through text, saying that she 'couldn't do this' anymore and that she's loving me but wants to forget me asap and this will be the best for both of us. I ignored it, and got 15 calls from her within a period of 6 hours. I picked up the last of these calls and to her what's up. She asked, why I wouldn't pick up and that she's 'worried' about me. I told her: you just broke up with me. She said, well fine, than it's all clear, and hung up.

I started NC immediately since I felt something was off.

2 weeks later I was having a little 'get-over-the-break-up'-party with a few friends. Neighbours told me, that she was there that night, standing outside being overwhelmed with jealousy and rage, wanting to get inside the building and bust the party. They told me, they wouldn't let her in, due to her aggressive attitude, so she went home and deleted all of our 1,5 years conversation within our favourite messenger, for both of us, as I found out, later that night.

One week later I saw her out on the streets, and went to her and said 'hi'. She was distant and cold and told me she's in a hurry and needs to go to work. That was it, no goodbye, no hug, no warmth, no nothing. Like we are random people who have zero interest in each other.

After 4 weeks of NC, I initiated contact with an 'elephant in the room' message, which was basically saying, that she means a lot to me, that I know about my flaws and that I am accepting the breakup, if her distance to me, is making her feel better overall. Of course, she didn't reply.

What was that?
A split? Her discard ?
Or was there something I could have done, to save the RS?
Any advice?

I can't wrap my head around the fact, that she discarded me literally 3 days before the deadline of my diploma thesis. Anyone I'm telling this, replies, that if she would have truly loved me as much as she stated in her last text, she wouldn't have been able to execute her execution of me during my tough exam time.

I'm left broken and confused and she shows no interest in reconciliation.

I would be glad to hear anything from you guys.
« Last Edit: August 12, 2020, 06:26:01 AM by Harri, Reason: corrected formatting » Logged
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Brooklyn1974
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 115


« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2020, 08:00:28 AM »

Has she been diagnosed as BPD?  Does she match any of the traits?  What other things has she done for you to believe she has BPD? 

May I ask how old she is?

Each relationship is different so what may work for one couple might not work for another.  Have you read the lessons here and how not to JADE and to use SET?  If she does have BPD is she in treatment? Does she have depression?

The biggest fear in a BPD is abandonment and engulfment.  Sounds like she was being fearful of abandonment, which probably to you, you would have no idea since they are poor communicators.  Perhaps your thesis work was putting fear into her about this? 

What I learned with my wife (she has engulfment issues right now) and talks about being controlled.  I would argue about this and reassure her that I never stopped her from going anywhere or doing anything.  After reading about it, though she would accuse me of being controlling, it was the actual fear of being controlled.  So instead of asking for examples of what I did for her to feel that I was controlling, I went about it as 'I understand your suspicions of being controlled, that's something I would not want either and everyone is capable of doing that.  I am sorry you felt this way and I want to reassure you that anything you thought that was controlling was never intended intentionally'. 

I got a totally different response from her, her defenses went down.  Now if you read carefully what I said to her, I never admitted to being controlling, I talked to her about her fear of being controlled without saying it directly.  She hasn't brought up the issue since.

IMO perhaps you can bring it up to her in such a way though address the potential abandonment issue.  Try not to react on what they do but why they did it.  Address the feelings behind the actions.  When she talks just remember to never interrupt her.  Don't JADE and use SET.  Remember she is not doing this to hurt you, she's doing this because of the illness.
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blackhole90

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8


« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2020, 09:34:55 AM »

Dear Brooklyn1974,

thank you for your reply. Your words are a bit calming.

Yes, she got diagnosed early on this year during a session with a psychiatrist I empowered her to go to, since she was having bad nightmares about her bad childhood, literally every night. She matches a lot of the traits from my viewpoint. Abusive childhood, a lot of unstable relationships, jealousy and controlling behaviour which resulted in tantrums and rages with violent outbursts against me. Blame shifting and projection with zero accountability for her own wrongdoings. Low empathy and a lack of compassion, obviously. Fear of Abandonment, when I wanted to leave during an argument, she would literally cling to my leg and block my way, hindering me of getting out. She's somewhere between queen and witch, with a tendency to the latter.

After she got diagnosed, she called up one or two TP's, but wouldn't pursue the idea of getting in treatment any further herself, since they had long waiting lists. I was stupid, since I thought she would follow up the idea by herself and didn't encourage her anymore to seek more therapists, nor did I ask how the search was going, since I was occupied with my own mind due to my studies and job.

She is almost 25 years old.

I read the lessons on this page a year ago, and I will refresh that knowledge, even though it might be to late. We're into the breakup for the 5th week now and I guess going NC was the worst idea to do, if she really experienced FOA. You are damn right about the issue of their bad communication. But I also could have guessed it and be there for here, instead of sneaking out for a month without an excuse.

You are probably damn right as well, with the assumption, that my finalisation of studies fuelled her fear of abandonment. Is it typical, that they demand the most attention in times, when you are least able to give it to them?

Thank you for your advice. Would you think it's fine if I'm going to set up a letter, since she didn't reply to the text i send her after one month of NC? After she told me about some of her childhood traumas, I really started to see her for who she really is and somehow my heart grew for her. In retrospective, I see a lot of invalidating behaviour from my side now, which leaves me feeling unbearably guilty. Some part of my I believes she discarded me for good. Friends also told me she's on a dating site right now plus she talks really bad about me and started smearing me to a lot of common friends. I'm blocked everywhere, instead of one messenger. I don't get while she wouldn't block me there as well. Any assumptions?

How does a split and discard differ? Do they? Or ist the split just a preparation for an anyways inevitably discard?

This was the text I wrote her yesterday:

Unfortunately, I cannot give you the satisfaction that I don't care about you and that's why I am writing to you. The only reason I'm not getting in touch is because I respect your decision. For me, the offer that we accompany each other has always been more of an opportunity than a duty that must be fulfilled at all costs. You are important to me and that's why I sincerely want you to be fine. It is understandable for me that your well-being could only be restored through the distance to me, because I know very well about my inadequacies. I am aware that I am subject to weaknesses and flaws, which are expressed in numerous missteps towards you. Nevertheless, you should know that you meant a lot to me and that I am extremely grateful that you were there for me. The fact that I could no longer get the opportunity to give you this with a corresponding recognition, which would have done justice to your dedication, is regrettable, but unfortunately irreversible. I may be able to do that in a next life. We are anything but stagnant personalities and so it remains to be hoped that there will come a day when we both understand that we have succumbed to the clash of our pathologies and not to a lack of mutual affection for one another. I very much hope that you are well and that you will soon find your well-deserved and long-awaited happiness where you are now. There are moments that will remain in my memory forever. Do you remember our conversation when we were sitting on the jetty by the water when we first met?

I will now go into reading about JADE and SET.

I'd love to hear more advice.





« Last Edit: August 12, 2020, 09:51:47 AM by blackhole90 » Logged
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #3 on: August 14, 2020, 02:32:05 AM »

What was that?
A split? Her discard ?

no.

it was a battle of the wills that started before the relationship began, and culminated in a big fight with a whole lot of battling of wills and miscommunication following that.

look at this from her perspective.

she said she was breaking up with you. more than likely, if she called you several times after that, the breakup message was more a way to send a message than something she really wanted to follow through with.

your reply was, more or less, "hey, you said its over, so its over".

a person trying to send a message by breaking up is considering their pride in all of this. i really dont mean to kick you while youre down here, but if you put up a hard front in response to that, a person in that position may feel like they have no choice but to walk away.

following that, she found out you were throwing a party. if you found out that someone youd broken up with was throwing a party, how would you take it?

youd probably be cold and distant at that point, if she approached you, just as she was. youd be thinking you were kicked to the curb, and youd be trying to salvage your pride.

blackhole90, i know youre hurting here. it will help to understand that she probably feels much the way you do...kicked to the curb, discarded, shut out. she felt she had no choice but to detach.

your messages to her really reinforce her decision. they sound indifferent.

if you want to reach her, i would send one last message (maybe wait a few days), and i would send nothing more after that.

"i messed up. ive been thinking about this, and its clear now that i didnt understand where you were coming from. im sorry."

i wouldnt expect a reply any time soon. the most it will do is thaw the ice, and give her something to think about. with the nature of the breakup, thats the best play you can make right now. 
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blackhole90

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8


« Reply #4 on: August 14, 2020, 05:28:58 AM »

Thank you for your honest reply, OnceRemoved.

I don't know what to say. I feel ashamed for not seeing this myself.
Now as I think, it is far to late to get into her good graces once again.

Due to my examination I wasn't really myself anymore at that time and I was really upset with her in that particular moment, for initiating a breakup 3 days before the deadline of my diploma thesis. I thought she was teaching me a lesson and wanted me to suffer, so I reacted with the only self-preservating tool I know, which is swallowing the pill and go NC.

I did't expect her, to have feelings anymore. I saw the devaluation which started few weeks before and just thought, ok, know this is it. This is the discard, and she's initiating it on this exact date, so that I will suffer the most. This assumption didn't come from nowhere, since she once stated to a friend of mine, that if she's ever going to break up with me, she will guarantee to make it happen brutal, with the end goal to leave me as shattered and broken as possible. So how should I have kept my guards down?

I do really love her and I will try like you said.

Any advise on what I should strictly avoid doing at this point, since I don't want to push her further away. Right now I would normally beg and plead. Guess this is not an option? Also, she once told me she loves me most when I'm playing guitar. I wrote a song during the days after the break up. Should I send it to her? She always felt a bit 'not enough loved', so that won't prove otherwise? Should I explain to her, that the 'party', which in reality was gathering of a few friends, who wanted to lift me up after the break-up, wasn't what she thought? Shouldn't I tell her I love, and that I miss her? Shouldn't I explain myself, like which fears kicked into gear within me, when she broke up?

Thanks so much, for your help!
« Last Edit: August 14, 2020, 05:37:12 AM by blackhole90 » Logged
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« Reply #5 on: August 26, 2020, 03:39:04 AM »

dont beg or plead. dont chase. dont do over the top romantic overtures.

ive been the king of all of those things in my life. they wont help, and then youll regret it and beat yourself up.

moreover, if you were in her position, and she did those things, you wouldnt know how to respond, and neither does she.

i know that this may not be what you want to hear, but for right now, i wouldnt do anything more. youve said your piece. shes going to do with it what shes going to do with it. the ice may thaw, and it may not, but the best outcome is going to be if it does, and she reaches out to you of her own accord.
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