Witch Mom... why can't I let it go?

[GeekyGirl]

So hello everyone!

Long time member here--I've been AWOL for a little while, but here I am today. For you new members going through your breakthroughs, it does get better.

I'll sum up my story: my mom has serious BPD/NPD. She started giving me the silent treatment about 8 years ago. I really struggled with this, found a wonderful therapist, worked through a lot of stuff, and have been living my best life. My husband and son moved about two months ago to a new home. 2020 hasn't been kind to anyone, but we've been very fortunate. I sent out a mass e-mail to let people know that we moved.

Today I get an e-mail from my mother saying, "Obviously mis-sent. Remove this e-mail address from your contacts. Your business is yours; my business is my business." Ouch.

I reached out to my T (to be fully honest, I haven't been in a few years). My husband is beside himself. We both agree that this wasn't a case where I accidentally sent the e-mail to the wrong address--no one responds to a complete stranger that way.

Why does this still feel like a punch in the gut? Why does she actively continue to try to hurt me? She's definitely a Queen-Witch from Understanding the Borderline Mother, a book that disturbingly accurately described her behavior.

The good thing is that this would have devastated me a few years ago. Today it hurts, but life will go on.

[missing NC]

I would love to hear what others have to say about not taking BPD behaviors personally. It is an area with which I too continue to struggle (with more insanity coming my way just a few minutes ago). 

I don't know if this helps in regard to the specifics of your case:  I am not suggesting your mom has dementia, but BPD is similar in the sense that a person with dementia may remember being mad but not remember why he or she is mad.  Especially after so many years, your mom's blaming you for her estrangement is no doubt cemented as "fact" in her mind.  So it makes some (twisted) sense for her to lash out at your "presumptuous" email.

For what it's worth, my sister has split all of her family members black for years at various times.  She refused to even respond to my mother's calls and letters for nearly two years then blamed me in many, many messages sent through her various attorneys for keeping my mom from her. 

I guess it boils down to detaching from their behavior and not taking it personally...which is often easier said than done.

[Turkish]

When was the last time you communicated with her? Less than 8 years, or was that her emotional cut-off?

[GeekyGirl]

When was the last time you communicated with her? Less than 8 years, or was that her emotional cut-off?

Hi Turkish! The last time I saw her was about 4 years ago after my grandmother died--it was a bit frosty, but there was no drama when we met. I hadn't heard anything from her since and she has blocked me on social media. In all honesty, I only reached out to her to let her know (along with a bunch of other folks) that we had moved; it seemed like the right thing to do, in the event she did ever need to get in touch with me.

I don't know if this helps in regard to the specifics of your case:  I am not suggesting your mom has dementia, but BPD is similar in the sense that a person with dementia may remember being mad but not remember why he or she is mad.  Especially after so many years, your mom's blaming you for her estrangement is no doubt cemented as "fact" in her mind.  So it makes some (twisted) sense for her to lash out at your "presumptuous" email.

I guess it boils down to detaching from their behavior and not taking it personally...which is often easier said than done.

Thanks, missing NC--dementia is a possibility. She's young-ish for it, but her father had severe Alzheimer's in his 70s. Its also not out of the ordinary for her to blame others for her estrangement--she's done that with all four of her siblings too.

You're absolutely right in that not taking her behavior personally is probably the best tactic. I'm seeing my T soon and want to work on this.

[Turkish]

I only reached out to her to let her know (along with a bunch of other folks) that we had moved; it seemed like the right thing to do, in the event she did ever need to get in touch with me.

I've been accused of being something like a Boy Scout in the past (by my uBPDx), yet I think that if you do the right thing, that you are being true to yourself, and respecting yourself as an individual person while also demonstrating love, no matter how who else responds. In kind or not. It's about you, rather than them.

I read something a long time ago where a dad told his kid, "Do the right thing; you'll likely be punished for it, but do it anyway."

You did the right thing 

[crushedagain]

My oldest sister is full on NPD, and I know how wicked and cruel they can be. It must have been difficult being raised by such a woman. I think my mom was Histrionic, but of course I cannot be sure as she was never diagnosed. I have another sister who I suspect is BPD but who has never been to the doctor. It was always difficult to be around these women growing up. I had a younger sister who was normal and who I got along well with. Sorry you got that email reply. It can be hurtful. I think you are better off without her in your life. Narcs are horrific to deal with.