New here

[marigold14]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this site and am trying to figure out where/how to start. My family and I believe my sister has BPD (she's undiagnosed). Until recently, my sister and I were able to move our relationship in a more positive and stable direction but that all suddenly and abruptly came crashing down. After enduring 6+ years of emotional and verbal abuse from her, I find myself sad and confused how to move forward. She's accusing me and my fiance of not taking the pandemic seriously and believes we are putting her life in danger. We have tried to create a safe environment for her but all of our efforts come up short. I found a 5 page letter from her on my front porch yesterday detailing all the ways in which I have failed her. All I want to do is support her and love her but I don't know how anymore. I'm hoping that this group will provide me some support but, most importantly, give me tips and ideas on how to help my sister.

Much gratitude,
Marigold14

[JNChell]

Hi, marigold14. Welcome to BPDFamily.  I’m sorry that you had to find us, but I’m glad you have. We’re a peer based community and most of the members here are dealing with something similar to your situation. We get each other.

First and foremost, your sister’s behavior is unacceptable. I would agree that there is something very adverse going on with your Sis. It’s interesting how you were able to provide positive reinforcement and stability for her. Covid-19 is a very good reason for a lot of people to act out, or so it seems. I don’t buy that, but it makes sense. She dumped it on you. She couldn’t hold on to her emotions anymore and the pandemic allowed her to let them loose on you and your husband. The 5 page letter wasn’t fair within the scope of what she’s trying to prove. A calm and collected conversation is fair. She’s most likely not capable of participating in something like that.

So, what do you do? You love her and rightfully so, but to what extent? The love in your heart for her is real, but you have a life of your own now and that should come first. There are tools that will help in managing the abuse that your sister doles out. There are a lot of resources available here for that.

It will always come crashing down with her unless she decides to become self aware and put the work in.

This post is about you. You’re feeling bad about the situation, but, at the end of the day, is it really your responsibility? You have a husband. Do you have kids? Important question when considering the circumstances.

[marigold14]

Hi JNChell - thanks so much for writing to me. It means so much. I feel fortunate to have found this group and already feel like I'm getting so much out of it by reading others' posts.

Of course, we each have very long stories about our loved ones with BPD or BPD traits (still learning the lingo) and I could write for days about things that have happened. I'm trying to stay as focused as possible on the present and future.

I don't have kids - it's just my partner and me. He's watched me go through hell with my sister for the past 6+ years and is the best support system in the world. I'm beyond lucky.

One thing I really struggle with are my sister's inconsistencies. Sometimes we are able to have honest adult conversations and work through issues and other times she reverts to a full temper tantrum reminiscent of when she was a young child. It's hard because I can have these really great moments where I feel like she's improving and then it all falls apart. The rollercoaster never ends...

She's actually been going to a therapist for the past 2 years and I am incredibly proud of her. She doesn't go regularly but does check in with her therapist when she feels she needs it - usually when she needs to justify her explosive behavior regarding our family. In the letter she left me she actually wrote: "All of this is valid, I even checked with my therapist before bringing it to you. Aka another effect of your previous gaslighting - the fact that I now have to verify my emotions with my therapist before addressing them with you in fear of being told I am delusional." She is highly manipulative and has clung to this idea that I gaslight her constantly. I believe there is major dissociation happening and I just don't know what to do.

We were as close as sisters could be until we left for college and starting having different life experiences. When she was 19 she started dating her first boyfriend and she was the other woman in the relationship and had fully rationalized their affair. She saw no problem with it whatsoever while simultaneously identifying as a staunch feminist. It was the first time I realized that there was a major shift in her personality and it's been tumultuous ever since.

To answer your question, no she's not my responsibility. I understand that fact logically but still struggle with it emotionally. I do feel more at peace with that reality than ever before but it's an ongoing challenge.

[JNChell]

Was there anything adverse that happened during your childhoods?

[marigold14]

There's nothing monumental that stands out as a trigger. My sister has always said she felt like an outcast and bullied by our cousins, though it's complicated because they're all much younger than her and were ages 3-10 during the years she claims were the worst for her. I'm not saying they didn't cause her harm but they were very young children at this time and she still references this regularly.

Our parents are still together but have a complicated relationship. We definitely grew up in a "let's sweep all the problems under the rug" kind of house. Our dad has issues of his own, which he has never dealt with whatsoever - he can be pretty narcissistic, lacks empathy, and suffers from dyslexia. Our mom deals with anxiety, too.