Like many of you it seems, I am emotionally tired. So, so tired. I'm also very sad but at least sadness seems not too difficult to express in a non-violent way.
The tricky emotion is anger.
My uBPDbf is very aware of his actions when he is not dysregulated or having an episode. He regrets very much the thing he said during a crisis and being mean to me, he is a lovely little kitten. The problem is, except for hearing his apologies I can never talk about how I felt during his episode, how I feel about him having so many episodes and about him not putting more efforts in seeking therapy.. because those are exactly the thing that can trigger an episode.
So I try to have a compassionate approach to him and bury my anger, I try to enjoy his new good phase knowing the next crisis is probably just around the corner and the good moments are spoiled by anticipation and fear.
That buried anger is turning into resentment. I need to express it to him but I don't know how because all the words that come to my head are pretty violent to hear and it would just destroy him and our relationship if they came out.
Here are those words I can't say, blunt as they come in my head the midst of anger (don't worry, I never EVER said anything like that to him, it's pain speaking and I have enough self control to not say such things out loud):
the behaviour you had is so disgraceful, I can't believe how it's possible to be so heartless, cruel and mean and I understand now why you feel so much shame about yourself, because the way you treat me is truly shameful, it's a disgrace. If someone was behaving like that to your mom or your sister you would want to beat the s*** out of them. You're wallowing in self-pity and think only about yourself while treating the person you say you love the most like sh*t, this is utterly disgusting. You mock me when I cry, you tell me calmly to go cry somewhere else, what kind of human does that? If you want to be the worst version of yourself, keep going on cause you're doing a pretty good job but you'll never be happy or make anybody happy. I've never met anyone so desperately selfish and self-centered and you need to grow up and f****** wake up because you've just been behaving like a spoilt self-entitled king child
So, yeah, I have a lot of rage and pain at the moment. I'm working on processing my anger aside from him to not make him a victim of it (something he definitely doesn't trouble himself to do) but I will still need to express it to him at some point to not let a bubble of resentment and mistrust grow in me.
Any advice for safe and constructive expression of anger? I'll welcome any tip
