This girl has my head in shambles. Please help.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey everyone. Here is background on the situation:

-I met this girl and always had a crush on her. She is gorgeous and started off being so empathic.

Back in July, her and her ex I think broke up. And she tried commiting suicide.

Me and her hung out once, then second time we hung out at the park and saw the sunrise. She held my hand cuz I was cold. She asked if I was interested in her and I said yes but I know she just got out of a relationship. She agreed and said she wants to be friends first and get to know each other.

I dropped her off and she messaging me a lot and making sure I made it home and upset I didn’t text her I made it home. We text a lot, and I accepted my role as friends even though I had feelings and asked her to hang out because she said she had no friends but out of state. And how’s she alone. I tried being a good friend and we really vibe but she was busy. Then the following week she told me about her ex coming to her house and he flew from out of state.

I assumed they were working it out so I backed off but she said no he showed up out of nowhere and she was uncomfortable.

I picked her up later and took her to the city to get her mind off stuff. On the way back I held her hand and we flirted a lot and bantering.

Her ex was still at her house so she had to leave and kick him out. She brought up sex and talked about fwb and told me how none of her exes choked her right. I choked her in the car a little to be sexual and she said “ not now” but harder

I thought she liked it. A week later she brought it up telling me one of her exes used to always choke her randomly and she’s traumatized. I apologized. Later that night she wanted to come back over and drink but then said she’s tired and I respected it.

Then that night she told me how I’m so perfect but waiting for my red flags to show. I told her I’m just going slow and trynna get to know her and play the long game. She told me I’m too nice it’s suspicious. I told her I get angry when I’m hungry or sleepy though?

She told me how she’s not ready for a relationship and can’t reciprocate and has always been in a relationship and wants to be single and focus on herself and grow. I told her I respect that and her decision to be single. She told me how it would be selfish of her to ask me to wait for her.

We text a lot like everyday. And felt like we getting closer. we talk on the phone two days in a row and talk til sunrise getting to know another and talking about love languages and all that.

Then she goes mia. A bit and distant. I noticed she’s too busy to see me and hanging out with other guys a lot. And this one guys place with other guys. I acted unbothered cuz we not together and I can’t be mad. She started posting on social media about all these guys messaging her trying to get at her. I found it annoying.

I decided to distance myself and left her alone for a day.
The following day she messaged me and tells me to visit her at work. I told her I’m busy and don’t want to look too available. And we end up making plans for Saturday. She picks me up and takes me out and I’m surprised about the effort she’s giving now. She ends up sleeping over and we drank.

She got drunk and I helped her to the bathroom and back. I slept with my pants on and offered her food and clothes. I could have had sex but I didn’t want to try anything because I like her and actually want future and build trust.

She fell asleep with her head on my chest and I stroked her hair. We woke up cuddling. And then dry humped and kissed. She kissed me back and put her tongue in my mouth. She wanted to have sex but was stopping herself and I respected it. She told me about fwb because she can’t catch feelings right now because she might have to move and is afraid this might stop her. She told me im the most empathic guy ever and loves that about me and I told her let’s not label things and see where it goes.

We promised on it. She goes home and then texts me let’s just be platonic and she doesn’t want to catch feelings but will consider the fwb. She told me she might push me away because her feelings are overwhelming and this was moving fast.

Then she’s busy again, and we don’t see each other. Then a week later we get into a little argument because she tells me she doesn’t want to go to the beach and it’s romantic. And she told me we can’t be fwb because I have feelings. And I told her I thought you  were catching feelings too?

She tells me she never liked me or had feelings and that she did that because I was catching feelings and tried pushing me away. I was shocked and felt like my reality was distorted.

I post a pic online with two girl classmates then she posts something petty.

We text and she asks me everyday if I have feelings and I said I don’t so I can move on.

Then Friday she tells me to visit her at work and bring a hoodie. I told her I was busy atm and she says “it’s ok I can ask someone else” and I said you didn’t let me finish I’ll come after

She told me she’s not comfortable coming over anymore and how she doesn’t wanna drink anymore just us two. I told her all we did was sleep and she drooled on me. She brings up this guy im not cool with and how she drools on his pillows and I’m like wth? You said you guys were not close. She said they are now.

I visit her at work and she talks about sex and shows me some of her photoshoot pics. She mentioned how her hair is longer now and I mentioned something sexual and I wanted to do with her when she slept over.

She tells me she can’t be fwb anymore and how she asked the other guy and he said no cuz he’ll catch feelings and she said she caught feelings for him cuz he rejected her and he’s opposite of me and such An asshole and cold.

She told me they did more stuff sexual and gave details and it broke my heart. I told her I need space and I had feelings then she says “I knew you feelings”

I leave and she messaged me. I left her on read. Then the next day she messages me two long paragraphs. And then accusing me of making her uncomfortable and touching her. And I apologized but I didn’t intend and was confused. We talk and we had a mature talk and said we just friends.

We agree we need space. A day goes by and she messaged me. I hung out with my friends and they went to high school with her and they all told me she’s a hoe and just acting like that to manipulate me. She never liked me and she’s talking to other guys right now.

I started talking to her sexual on Instagram and she never said stop but enticed me and went with it.

A day goes by and I found out she messaged my friends ex which is her ex and I got fed up. I asked for my stuff back and Was just cold with her. She posted about cutting toxic people off on her Twitter. I got my stuff and got her a drink she likes. Got my stuff and left and then I find out she gave me someone’s else’s sweat pants.

I told her thank you for helping me lose feelings. And she got mad and said I’m toxic. And blew up on me.

I left her alone and she says “were you only nice to me to get with me” and I said no care about her genuinely and she told me how I disrespect her and a mental stain on her and I’m toxic.

I told her I understand if she doesn’t want me in her life. But I care about her . The next day she blocks me and I felt bad and explained myself on Snapchat and she replied right away and we go back and forth then she still accusing me and she never liked me and I’m in denial and she never lead me on and how I’m giving her mixed signals. And I was shook because she has been giving me mixed signals and when I stop feeding into her she upset.

After her constantly accusing me of things and saying I make her uNcomfortable and  I’m a creep. I went off on her and told her to stop victimizing herself. And ive been honest with her and tried being a good friend and put my feelings aside and respected the friendship and anytime she flirted I thought she liked me and gave me hopes.

She ends up calling me and we talk 4 hours and she explained herself and then we agreed to be platonic Friends and get to know another. And everything has been a misunderstanding.

We text the next day and today I woke up again to being blocked and she’s posting online about cutting toxic people out.

I have strong feelings for her and this push pull has me messed up. She told me she liked guys that are cold and caught feelings for that guy. Now that I’m
Cold and don’t give a PLEASE READ she’s sad and upset.

My friends tell me she’s manipulative and just using me because I’m a good guy. But with me she acts so genuine and empathic but all of a sudden victimizing her and mad I kissed her when she kissed me back.

I think she’s finding any reason to push me away and I know I did some bad things but She never expressed it bothering her.

In bed she told me she’s gonna push me away but I didn’t think like this.

She had  feelings then she never did and then said I’m in denial and she’s getting over some guy.

I’m blocked and she thinks I’m toxic and idk what to do now. She pushed me away.by playing all these games and push pull and when I had enough and called her out I’m toxic and a mental Strain on her.

Why call me and talk til sunrise and agree to be platonic then block me again?

[CryWolf]

Hey everyone. Here is background on the situation:

-I met this girl and always had a crush on her. She is gorgeous and started off being so empathic.

Back in July, her and her ex I think broke up. And she tried commiting suicide.

Me and her hung out once, then second time we hung out at the park and saw the sunrise. She held my hand cuz I was cold. She asked if I was interested in her and I said yes but I know she just got out of a relationship. She agreed and said she wants to be friends first and get to know each other.

I dropped her off and she messaging me a lot and making sure I made it home and upset I didn’t text her I made it home. We text a lot, and I accepted my role as friends even though I had feelings and asked her to hang out because she said she had no friends but out of state. And how’s she alone. I tried being a good friend and we really vibe but she was busy. Then the following week she told me about her ex coming to her house and he flew from out of state.

I assumed they were working it out so I backed off but she said no he showed up out of nowhere and she was uncomfortable.

I picked her up later and took her to the city to get her mind off stuff. On the way back I held her hand and we flirted a lot and bantering.

Her ex was still at her house so she had to leave and kick him out. She brought up sex and talked about fwb and told me how none of her exes choked her right. I choked her in the car a little to be sexual and she said “ not now” but harder

I thought she liked it. A week later she brought it up telling me one of her exes used to always choke her randomly and she’s traumatized. I apologized. Later that night she wanted to come back over and drink but then said she’s tired and I respected it.

Then that night she told me how I’m so perfect but waiting for my red flags to show. I told her I’m just going slow and trynna get to know her and play the long game. She told me I’m too nice it’s suspicious. I told her I get angry when I’m hungry or sleepy though?

She told me how she’s not ready for a relationship and can’t reciprocate and has always been in a relationship and wants to be single and focus on herself and grow. I told her I respect that and her decision to be single. She told me how it would be selfish of her to ask me to wait for her.

We text a lot like everyday. And felt like we getting closer. we talk on the phone two days in a row and talk til sunrise getting to know another and talking about love languages and all that.

Then she goes mia. A bit and distant. I noticed she’s too busy to see me and hanging out with other guys a lot. And this one guys place with other guys. I acted unbothered cuz we not together and I can’t be mad. She started posting on social media about all these guys messaging her trying to get at her. I found it annoying.

I decided to distance myself and left her alone for a day.
The following day she messaged me and tells me to visit her at work. I told her I’m busy and don’t want to look too available. And we end up making plans for Saturday. She picks me up and takes me out and I’m surprised about the effort she’s giving now. She ends up sleeping over and we drank.

She got drunk and I helped her to the bathroom and back. I slept with my pants on and offered her food and clothes. I could have had sex but I didn’t want to try anything because I like her and actually want future and build trust.

She fell asleep with her head on my chest and I stroked her hair. We woke up cuddling. And then dry humped and kissed. She kissed me back and put her tongue in my mouth. She wanted to have sex but was stopping herself and I respected it. She told me about fwb because she can’t catch feelings right now because she might have to move and is afraid this might stop her. She told me im the most empathic guy ever and loves that about me and I told her let’s not label things and see where it goes.

We promised on it. She goes home and then texts me let’s just be platonic and she doesn’t want to catch feelings but will consider the fwb. She told me she might push me away because her feelings are overwhelming and this was moving fast.

Then she’s busy again, and we don’t see each other. Then a week later we get into a little argument because she tells me she doesn’t want to go to the beach and it’s romantic. And she told me we can’t be fwb because I have feelings. And I told her I thought you  were catching feelings too?

She tells me she never liked me or had feelings and that she did that because I was catching feelings and tried pushing me away. I was shocked and felt like my reality was distorted.

I post a pic online with two girl classmates then she posts something petty.

We text and she asks me everyday if I have feelings and I said I don’t so I can move on.

Then Friday she tells me to visit her at work and bring a hoodie. I told her I was busy atm and she says “it’s ok I can ask someone else” and I said you didn’t let me finish I’ll come after

She told me she’s not comfortable coming over anymore and how she doesn’t wanna drink anymore just us two. I told her all we did was sleep and she drooled on me. She brings up this guy im not cool with and how she drools on his pillows and I’m like wth? You said you guys were not close. She said they are now.

I visit her at work and she talks about sex and shows me some of her photoshoot pics. She mentioned how her hair is longer now and I mentioned something sexual and I wanted to do with her when she slept over.

She tells me she can’t be fwb anymore and how she asked the other guy and he said no cuz he’ll catch feelings and she said she caught feelings for him cuz he rejected her and he’s opposite of me and such An asshole and cold.

She told me they did more stuff sexual and gave details and it broke my heart. I told her I need space and I had feelings then she says “I knew you feelings”

I leave and she messaged me. I left her on read. Then the next day she messages me two long paragraphs. And then accusing me of making her uncomfortable and touching her. And I apologized but I didn’t intend and was confused. We talk and we had a mature talk and said we just friends.

We agree we need space. A day goes by and she messaged me. I hung out with my friends and they went to high school with her and they all told me she’s a hoe and just acting like that to manipulate me. She never liked me and she’s talking to other guys right now.

I started talking to her sexual on Instagram and she never said stop but enticed me and went with it.

A day goes by and I found out she messaged my friends ex which is her ex and I got fed up. I asked for my stuff back and Was just cold with her. She posted about cutting toxic people off on her Twitter. I got my stuff and got her a drink she likes. Got my stuff and left and then I find out she gave me someone’s else’s sweat pants.

I told her thank you for helping me lose feelings. And she got mad and said I’m toxic. And blew up on me.

I left her alone and she says “were you only nice to me to get with me” and I said no care about her genuinely and she told me how I disrespect her and a mental stain on her and I’m toxic.

I told her I understand if she doesn’t want me in her life. But I care about her . The next day she blocks me and I felt bad and explained myself on Snapchat and she replied right away and we go back and forth then she still accusing me and she never liked me and I’m in denial and she never lead me on and how I’m giving her mixed signals. And I was shook because she has been giving me mixed signals and when I stop feeding into her she upset.

After her constantly accusing me of things and saying I make her uNcomfortable and  I’m a creep. I went off on her and told her to stop victimizing herself. And ive been honest with her and tried being a good friend and put my feelings aside and respected the friendship and anytime she flirted I thought she liked me and gave me hopes.

She ends up calling me and we talk 4 hours and she explained herself and then we agreed to be platonic Friends and get to know another. And everything has been a misunderstanding.

We text the next day and today I woke up again to being blocked and she’s posting online about cutting toxic people out.

I have strong feelings for her and this push pull has me messed up. She told me she liked guys that are cold and caught feelings for that guy. Now that I’m
Cold and don’t give a PLEASE READ she’s sad and upset.

My friends tell me she’s manipulative and just using me because I’m a good guy. But with me she acts so genuine and empathic but all of a sudden victimizing her and mad I kissed her when she kissed me back.

I think she’s finding any reason to push me away and I know I did some bad things but She never expressed it bothering her.

In bed she told me she’s gonna push me away but I didn’t think like this.

She had  feelings then she never did and then said I’m in denial and she’s getting over some guy.

I’m blocked and she thinks I’m toxic and idk what to do now. She pushed me away.by playing all these games and push pull and when I had enough and called her out I’m toxic and a mental Strain on her.

Why call me and talk til sunrise and agree to be platonic then block me again?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CryWolf]

I also forgot to mention she told me about being molested as a child and raped by family member and confronted her parents and they believe her.

[Brooklyn1974]

Please read up on BPD.  It's not something to be messing with.  This girl clearly needs psychological help and IMO at this point your mental well-being is suffering because of this situation.  Perhaps it's best to step back and look at the bigger picture.  I get that BPDs can seem very genuine with their charm and warmth at first but that is a part of the illness.  Remember to never put your own self-worth into anyone else, especially a BPD.

IMO set short term goals for yourself and accomplish them, do things that make you happy.  Step away from the drama, give yourself a chance to breathe.

[CryWolf]

I had a 3 year relationship with someone with bpd. This girl, however I don’t know if she is but she started exhibiting patterns. She got the fear of abandonment when I asked for my stuff back and acted cold and triggered her to accuse me of things and push me away. She even tells me she’s afraid of getting close and will push me away. But then resorts to telling me she did that because I liked her and she didn’t feel the same and she never liked me. But was breadcrumbing me and giving me false hope? Doesn’t make sense at all.

“I’m pushing you away because I’m afraid of getting close and catching feelings. I fall too deep and hard and I’ve been burned so much before”

To “I pushed you away because I didn’t like you and you were in denial and I didn’t want to hurt your feelings” and when I pull away she’ll pull me in

[once removed]

im sorry youre going through this man.

the biggest lesson for me from my relationship was learning to make different choices. better, healthier choices.

my sense from this situation, and the two before it, is that you are, by and large, making the same old choices.

the outcome is going to be the same so long as thats the case.

[CryWolf]

Good to hear from you OR 

and I agree. same mistakes. different people. each time I say this person cant be like the last. and I brush off red flags.

I thought long and hard about this situation, and realized she was probably trying to let me down easy without hurting my feelings but have me for attention and and still get the benefits maybe. she did want to be fwb but i missed that all up but stating I had feelings. and she did not see me romantically. i should take mixed signals as a no.

[Anonym2806]

Hi mate,

Sorry for what’s happen to you. We are on the same boat.
I noticed something about my gf. When I ignore her, usually she comes back. But when I say I ignore her, I just drop her sometimes : « good morning »
I broke up with her 2 weeks ago because she was with another guy. She became crazy and told me she does what she wants. And I said ok, do what you want but without me. Because I don’t accept that. She came back after a week, ashamed and she didn’t talk about it.
Today I asked her if she was ok (didn’t text her yesterday), and then she started arguing with me, and saying how she could be with someone like me if I cannot take care of her.
I validate her but I didn’t apologize (I did nothing wrong). I sent her flowers and it was ok. Don’t argue with her, don’t fight. Try to calm down and validate their feelings. It’s what I learned here and it works well.
If she comes back to you, try to set strong boundaries but stay calm. Mine she hates that because she can yell on me and I just want to laugh sometimes.

[CryWolf]

I noticed something about my gf. When I ignore her, usually she comes back. But when I say I ignore her, I just drop her sometimes : « good morning »
I broke up with her 2 weeks ago because she was with another guy. She became crazy and told me she does what she wants. And I said ok, do what you want but without me. Because I don’t accept that. She came back after a week, ashamed and she didn’t talk about it.
Today I asked her if she was ok (didn’t text her yesterday), and then she started arguing with me, and saying how she could be with someone like me if I cannot take care of her.
I validate her but I didn’t apologize (I did nothing wrong).

I noticed the longer I take to reply, she will message again and try to accuse me of something to get a reply. and a few hours later I reply, but in a positive tone and reassure her. However, last saturday I could not take it after she was accusing me "kissing her" without her wanting to even though she put her tongue in my mouth. She proceeded to tell me "i just went with it, and its something im working on but i just let things happen."

I did not tolerate this and told her to grow up and this was mutual. i feel bad for invalidating and "explaining myself". I did not want to let her accuse me of things that werent true so she would feel not guilty of her actions.

She missed her work monday night, and then tuesday she did not show up to work and my friend that works with her texted me asking if i knew where she was. How no one can find her and shes never missed work.

I put my pride aside, and tweeter her on twitter and messaged her bestfriend that she talks about a lot. all i said was to let her know to contact her friends and coworkers, and we all are worried.

I was worried she might commit suicide or harm herself. later my friend told me she told them that she overslept. and i never got a reply from her.

I left her alone, and friday I messaged her from feeling bad. I said, "hey i know you dont want anything to do with me anymore but i owe you an apology. I crossed boundaries, and let my emotions get the best of me. take care"

I want to give her space and hopefully she can understand everything has been an misunderstanding, but i later saw her on dating apps. So i think im cut off forever.

now that im 98% sure she has bpd, my friend that dated her told me their relationship history and it was very very close to bpd type of relationships. I can understand why everytime we saw each other it kept getting close and close and felt like a "soulmate" type of energy.

But whatever it was, i think it ran its course. and i would be okay being platonic friends now but i feel at fault a bit for letting emotions get involved when she said she never had any. i think she did but she said i was delusional for thinking that. soo. idk anymore.

 i defintely triggered her fear of abandonment when i wanted my clothes back from her, and ignored her.

is there anything i can do? send flowers? i dont want to because this is doing too much and we arent even together. this might just push her away more.

Anyway,

[CryWolf]

i been so lost on the situation and wish things did not end like this. Ive been replaying the situation over and over and none of it makes sense.

you say you distance to avoid catching feelings and not ready. tell me we have so much chemistry and compatibility. you tell me how you scared to trust and open up. we become so close and you tell me you never had feelings or liked me and how your heart is cold. how you only said those things to not hurt me and i was being delusional for thinking she liked me still. how she likes someone else and has feelings for them out of nowhere. either this was to push me away or its true. idk.

if you didnt like me then why did you miss work two days in a row, post about me on social media and talk about me to her friends. idk doesnt add up. i want to believe she liked me or had feelings but idk. she kept saying she wanted no strings attached but was opening up and venting and got to know her personally.. no strings attached dont do that and do get to know each other on a personal level in my opinion.