I am just learning about BPD...

[Eluma5]

I feel lost, sad, overwhelmed, helpless and at the same time enlightened. I am just learning about BPD (spouse) and codependency (me) and, in my opinion, it explains SO much about my long term marriage and patterns we've fallen into. Spouse is undiagnosed and I have no idea how he'd react to learning about BPD. But the signs and symptoms of BPD and narcissism are very familiar to me. He is currently telling me that if I don't change and meet his needs better he is leaving me and it's my fault. He is also saying that this is not a real threat, it's just to get a reaction from me- he wants me to have an 'aha moment', to cry & scream and be more emotional so he knows that I really care. I am exhausted. I need better boundaries and tools to get through this.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jonny.]

Hi Eluma,

I hope you're safe and well.

It sounds like you're trying to find the reason/s why things are the way they are in your relationship and break the negative patterns. Does your husband share the same curiosity?

In my opinion, a relationship will most certainly struggle if needs are not being met, both yours and his. Have you both discussed what those needs are for each other? This seems like a good place to start to see if you can both agree an action plan on how to better meet those needs...

Why does he think you don't care? You married him and chose to share your lives together, for better or for worse, what's changed?