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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Fear and 'Special' situations  (Read 395 times)
tmh0m3
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2


« on: October 16, 2020, 10:10:56 PM »

So I've read Walking on Eggshells, am working through Splitting and I've continually heard about this site. Being completely honest, I'm not sure why anyone would want to make sense of or even listen to my story... but, what the heck... here goes. Fair warning, I'm redacting/arm-waving at some details to keep it 'generic enough,' forgive my paranoia. I'll also preface this by saying I clearly know and totally take responsibility for how I supported 'the story' that got created along the way here. It wasn't until I stepped away and really looked at things with specific intention that I saw things differently and completely take responsibility for my part in that. This part is something I can 'own' and do something about, which, to some degree has made it easier to deal with than the rest of it.

So I'm an ex-husband of someone who 'likely' has BPD or something in that vein. Prior to our marriage she'd been treated for something and a few months after our wedding she was hospitalized and diagnosed with bipolar. More recently, after she stormed out of a couples therapy session, the therapist later asked if I'd ever 'considered borderline.'

We have two awesome kids. Our son is on the spectrum and our daughter has been diagnosed as well, though I struggle to 'triangulate' details on her apart from 'parent' report which, being 100% honest, I was complicit in prior to our separation as I thought I was being supportive. ... I'm getting ahead of myself...

So our son received a diagnosis of autism in 2015 and IEPs have been hell since--not because of the autism diagnosis itself, but because of a secondary concern that was raised as a potential concern but didn't test poorly enough to warrant a direct diagnosis. 4 months later with 0 doctors doing any diagnosing in between, this became one of the worst cases of this secondary issue ever seen.  This became the crux of EVERY IEP meeting and is odd enough to be considered a 'low incidence' disability, so while I don't know if I'm thrilled with how the schools have handled things, it's not a simple issue.

Our daughter is another story--similar top-line diagnoses, but none of the 'complicated extras' on paper... though mom reports more and more scary behavioral issues as time goes on.

For both kids there's a LOT more detail, but suffice to say that every interaction with state run organizations, schools and most medical providers (especially insurance companies) has been a battle - some of which have lead to legal 'stuff' along the way. The fight here has been long, protracted and as I see it now, misguided on a good day.

In the process of working through our divorce, I had every belief that she was working in the kids' best interest and agreed to a custody arrangement that, looking at it now, is troublesome. The kids were in SO much therapy that when we split the 'non-therapy/medical' time it worked out to every other weekend... no joke. After we separated and finalized our divorce (mercifully, though in hindsight maybe not so much) via a mediated settlement, I started re-reading paperwork the week prior to ramping up for the next round of IEPs for both kids. I was shocked to not find the 'one thing' that I was convinced was there-that was the source of all the angst year over year. I called every doctor, found every piece of paper I could and found no one who actually did the actual work of diagnosing... I heard from clinic after clinic (which itself became a concern given the # of changes in short order, even with our move over that 3-4 year period) who said 'that's what was reported and we recorded it'. All the specialists basically said they couldn't corroborate anything, though parent report (again, mom) was spectacular and notable. I came to the realization that much of this wasn't lead by developmental deficiencies, but was being lead by mom's fear-based, black-and-white, decide-before-discussion thinking. What did it for me was looking at the intake forms from provider to provider becoming increasingly more severe and clinical in how she put it... again, with no actual diagnosis or doctor 'on the hook'.

Add to that the stress of COVID-19 and... well, it's been a tough 8-9 months where I'm constantly concerned about the kids' safety/well being. The real issue at a pragmatic level is that I'm a white dude fighting against a single special needs mom doing 'everything she can' for the kids. I've been super careful to be data-driven, document-oriented and have taken copious notes from meeting to meeting, for every 'new situation' and attack.

I'm tired. I've even been really diligent about working out, trying to figure out what it is to 'take care of yourself' (though that seems ever elusive)... Explaining this to anyone is a bit of an exercise in unmitigated hope and I'm left feeling isolated, lonely and misunderstood on top of all the fear and uncertainty that's already there.  I've become desensitized to 'crazy PLEASE READ' happening on any given week and while I might have a new detail every once in a while, I'm kind of expecting more incongruous behavior from her at least once a week - I'd probably be more surprised if things were calm for any longer than a few days. Regardless, there's always a fire burning somewhere - even if I'm only seeing a few new ones a week, most burn for much longer (metaphorically).

I've read books (50/50 listening vs. reading), tried all the tricks/tools/tips that I've learned over the years and my psychologist is great... don't get me wrong, but even she has the 'wtf' reaction I'm kind of sick of seeing from others. I guess I'm left with 2 big questions...

* how am I supposed to 'turn it off' with everything (metaphorically) on fire and what appears to be my kids' in the balance?
* are there any less depressing/frustrating resources out there? I've read a lot of informational stuff that's done a great job of educating, but not a great job of inspiring hope that life will find a new normal here.
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ForeverDad
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18073


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #1 on: October 17, 2020, 02:48:59 AM »

That your ex was diagnosed Bi-polar is not surprising.  The behaviors may be similar, but the treatment is different, Bi-polar can be treated largely with medications since it is a chemical imbalance.  Borderline is a behavioral/perception issue and requires extensive therapy.  In decades past BPD had been considered untreatable and so insurance didn't cover it.  Hence the diagnosis of Bi-polar since therapy was covered by insurance.

The better news is that there are therapies now for BPD, either Cognitive or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (CBT or DBT).  However, getting a person with BPD to start and continue meaningful therapy long term is a huge challenge in itself.  The Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting are that great.

Have you considered that the kids' issues could very well be situational, that is, caused or exacerbated by a disordered parent and not their own core issues?

Do you think mother is exhibiting some behaviors of Munchausen or Munchausen by Proxy?

What is the current parenting schedule?  Which one of you has majority parenting time with the kids?
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tmh0m3
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2


« Reply #2 on: October 18, 2020, 11:46:23 PM »

Lots to go off of here but things aren't ideal.

Parenting schedule favors her heavily and I'm working on correcting it. We'd agreed to split the 'fun time' the kids had outside of therapies and doctor time which worked out to every other weekend... :sigh: It's a work in progress. She has majority, and until I really dug in, I had every reasonable belief she was doing everything in the best interest of the kids. When I realized that the story I'd been presented with and the reality underneath were as different as they were was when I really kind of figured that part out... probably a few months late to take any easier route, so we're working on a post-judgement change to our MSA... rather I am... in a significant way.

The Bipolar diagnosis is something 'concrete' (I was there for it, etc.) but I've had a lot of people 'in our orbit' ask me if I'd thought about BPD as well, which kind of fits IMHO. Either way, she's decided that the diagnosis of bipolar wasn't accurate anyway, and any mention of BPD has only acted as metaphorical napalm at an interpersonal level. I've even got a page in a journal that captures all the blame shifting (to me in the form of accusatory statements)... everything from abuse and alcoholism (I'm not perfect, but these aren't even remotely possible) to how I don't like female leads in movies/tv (yes, this was something that became a point of significant frustration ... also ironic as I was told this while watching Aeon Flux). I joke, but I spent a good portion of the last half of 2019 working through the list of 'stuff' to try to figure out what was actionable and what was noise... I'm not going to say there wasn't stuff in there with a grain of truth to it, but it was a lot of noise. 

Funny you mention MBP... it's my suspicion and I've got piles of paperwork that show a pretty alarming trend. The whole picture is a pretty scary one and apart from the regular panic, worry and concern (for the kids and, honestly, for her as well)... it's been a fun 2020.

I fully believe that a decent proportion of the kids' issues likely are at least exacerbated by situational 'stuff', but any question about that becomes an attack on her character and her person/etc. It's been a delicate balance historically, but now that it's all out on the table.

I do have an undergrad in psych... studied some of this pretty closely as well, but the academic knowledge sure isn't helping it to 'feel' any better these days.
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