So I've read Walking on Eggshells, am working through Splitting and I've continually heard about this site. Being completely honest, I'm not sure why anyone would want to make sense of or even listen to my story... but, what the heck... here goes. Fair warning, I'm redacting/arm-waving at some details to keep it 'generic enough,' forgive my paranoia. I'll also preface this by saying I clearly know and totally take responsibility for how I supported 'the story' that got created along the way here. It wasn't until I stepped away and really looked at things with specific intention that I saw things differently and completely take responsibility for my part in that. This part is something I can 'own' and do something about, which, to some degree has made it easier to deal with than the rest of it.
So I'm an ex-husband of someone who 'likely' has BPD or something in that vein. Prior to our marriage she'd been treated for something and a few months after our wedding she was hospitalized and diagnosed with bipolar. More recently, after she stormed out of a couples therapy session, the therapist later asked if I'd ever 'considered borderline.'
We have two awesome kids. Our son is on the spectrum and our daughter has been diagnosed as well, though I struggle to 'triangulate' details on her apart from 'parent' report which, being 100% honest, I was complicit in prior to our separation as I thought I was being supportive. ... I'm getting ahead of myself...
So our son received a diagnosis of autism in 2015 and IEPs have been hell since--not because of the autism diagnosis itself, but because of a secondary concern that was raised as a potential concern but didn't test poorly enough to warrant a direct diagnosis. 4 months later with 0 doctors doing any diagnosing in between, this became one of the worst cases of this secondary issue ever seen. This became the crux of EVERY IEP meeting and is odd enough to be considered a 'low incidence' disability, so while I don't know if I'm thrilled with how the schools have handled things, it's not a simple issue.
Our daughter is another story--similar top-line diagnoses, but none of the 'complicated extras' on paper... though mom reports more and more scary behavioral issues as time goes on.
For both kids there's a LOT more detail, but suffice to say that every interaction with state run organizations, schools and most medical providers (especially insurance companies) has been a battle - some of which have lead to legal 'stuff' along the way. The fight here has been long, protracted and as I see it now, misguided on a good day.
In the process of working through our divorce, I had every belief that she was working in the kids' best interest and agreed to a custody arrangement that, looking at it now, is troublesome. The kids were in SO much therapy that when we split the 'non-therapy/medical' time it worked out to every other weekend... no joke. After we separated and finalized our divorce (mercifully, though in hindsight maybe not so much) via a mediated settlement, I started re-reading paperwork the week prior to ramping up for the next round of IEPs for both kids. I was shocked to not find the 'one thing' that I was convinced was there-that was the source of all the angst year over year. I called every doctor, found every piece of paper I could and found no one who actually did the actual work of diagnosing... I heard from clinic after clinic (which itself became a concern given the # of changes in short order, even with our move over that 3-4 year period) who said 'that's what was reported and we recorded it'. All the specialists basically said they couldn't corroborate anything, though parent report (again, mom) was spectacular and notable. I came to the realization that much of this wasn't lead by developmental deficiencies, but was being lead by mom's fear-based, black-and-white, decide-before-discussion thinking. What did it for me was looking at the intake forms from provider to provider becoming increasingly more severe and clinical in how she put it... again, with no actual diagnosis or doctor 'on the hook'.
Add to that the stress of COVID-19 and... well, it's been a tough 8-9 months where I'm constantly concerned about the kids' safety/well being. The real issue at a pragmatic level is that I'm a white dude fighting against a single special needs mom doing 'everything she can' for the kids. I've been super careful to be data-driven, document-oriented and have taken copious notes from meeting to meeting, for every 'new situation' and attack.
I'm tired. I've even been really diligent about working out, trying to figure out what it is to 'take care of yourself' (though that seems ever elusive)... Explaining this to anyone is a bit of an exercise in unmitigated hope and I'm left feeling isolated, lonely and misunderstood on top of all the fear and uncertainty that's already there. I've become desensitized to 'crazy
PLEASE READ' happening on any given week and while I might have a new detail every once in a while, I'm kind of expecting more incongruous behavior from her at least once a week - I'd probably be more surprised if things were calm for any longer than a few days. Regardless, there's always a fire burning somewhere - even if I'm only seeing a few new ones a week, most burn for much longer (metaphorically).
I've read books (50/50 listening vs. reading), tried all the tricks/tools/tips that I've learned over the years and my psychologist is great... don't get me wrong, but even she has the 'wtf' reaction I'm kind of sick of seeing from others. I guess I'm left with 2 big questions...
* how am I supposed to 'turn it off' with everything (metaphorically) on fire and what appears to be my kids' in the balance?
* are there any less depressing/frustrating resources out there? I've read a lot of informational stuff that's done a great job of educating, but not a great job of inspiring hope that life will find a new normal here.