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Author Topic: Want to feel hope again  (Read 345 times)
DreamPocket

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 4



« on: November 17, 2020, 09:43:29 AM »

Hello,

This is my first post, but I've been lurking and reading some posts and articles for the past few weeks as I contemplated ending my relationship with my uBPDbf.

I did end our relationship last week, but I'm feeling a lot of guilt over that decision, and wonder if like he said in our last conversation, I should have been more supportive. I have an appointment with our couples therapist in 2 weeks, and am considering inviting him to it for closure for both our sakes (more for his). But a small part of me is hoping he will have sought more help by then. In our last conversation, I burst out "We're breaking up! We're breaking up!" and hung up on him.

[Exactly one week ago, I'd asked if he would take a breathalyzer and Facetime me when he got home. He admitted to drinking a little and claimed it was only 1.5 beers. He claimed I hadn't been supportive enough and he just wanted to connect with me - wanting me at his house more than 1 night a week. I wanted to connect without staying at his house bc it would be easier for me to keep my boundaries in place that way - taking things slow. He said that I was assuming we would have sex if I stayed at his house, and I shouldn't assume that. We've disagreed about this at least the past month, but it's come up before. He used to drink a lot more, and I would want to stay away at those times. But I haven't been firm with my boundaries the whole time and moved too fast, too early with him. That's on me.]

Also, I already requested he stop contacting me, and he's respected that. So maybe I would just be opening a wound that's best left closed for a good long while.

I've never had a more confusing, anger-inducing, and scary relationship than this one. He kind of made me think I had BPD, because I gave him mixed signals at times. But in the end, I just kept pulling away bc I couldn't let go of "the past" (to him, but only a few hours/days/weeks ago), which only made him madder and more depressed and try to pull me in more.

I saw the red flags early on, but I liked him and liked the things he was doing before we met, and I just really wanted a partner. It's like he knows the right things to say, but he'll also say nasty things, and he doesn't have to be drunk to say them. The day after we broke up, he seemed to say all the right things--i.e. he's pushing for more help and more frequent individual therapy, he thought he understood how "frustrated" I felt bc of an angry reaction he got from his dad (not even close), and that he still wanted to be friends at least so I could meet the man he would become. But I'd been so used to the cycle we/he goes through that I stopped engaging, and I told him so.

I already know from the past year what relationship with him is like, but... He also went to therapy with me. He tried AA for the first time (but quit bc he said it wasn't for him, and he hasn't tried finding another group). He says he needs to read the Bible, but every time I'd ask if he started yet, he hadn't.. Before we met, he had lost 100 pounds (but he has been inconsistent with going to the gym the past year due to his recovery time from a surgery last year and COVID and random pains in his body. He has said the gym is part of his recovery, so any time he says he's not going, I'm triggered into thinking he's going to drink). He had quit hard drugs on his own (except the prescription strips he takes now which he's supposed to come off of slowly, he's been on them for almost 2 years), earned his Associate's, and was even the valedictorian (small class, but still).

When he drinks is when we have the worst arguments, over something like me calling out to him in the dark, "What are you doing?" He turned that on me, as if I was accusing him of something he wasn't doing and demanded an apology. There were several times he turned around a fear that I'd expressed into me assuming something bad about him and that I needed to apologize. It took me a while to realize the harm this was doing to me psychologically. I think that's why I've been so firm with my boundaries the last month or so. And reading these forums, I see now the amount of strength it takes to emotionally caretake for someone like my ex, and I don't think I could do it.

I don't really know what I'm looking for in posting this. I think I just want to feel hopeful again. I'm sorry it was probably hard to follow, but it feels cathartic to write and post about it.
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Inside
*****
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 604



« Reply #1 on: November 17, 2020, 12:04:59 PM »

I've a difficult time saying welcome, as I know why we're here  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Though you sound young, I’m sure he’s experienced breaking up more often than you.  I wonder, does he show as sincere a concern for you as you do him?  I doubt it, and feel he’s incapable of that level of empathy.

Couples Counseling ... takes me back..  Me (paying for it), opened up; she (demanding it) clammed up.  Six sessions, and nothing.  Our therapist/ counselor had picked up on her mentioning that she was taking ‘anger management classes.’  But she claimed it was to ‘get along better with her son.’  I later contacted our ..counselor, letting her know my assumption of BPD; she was all ears, but we were at that time over.

(Sex)Too fast, too early.  Same here, but that was her MO, not mine.  As mentioned, they get good at this stuff, it’s all they know and what they do.  We, on the other hand, are not yet immune to it.  I always felt several steps behind..  Not that I needed to be out front, but at least along side.

I’d advise no contact, but it rarely lasts.  If he thinks it’s adding to your gilt, he’ll likely work it for awhile.  If he determines you really do plan to be gone - expect contact, in numerous ways.

I've never had a more confusing, anger-inducing, and scary relationship than this one.”  That is a statement worth listening to!  Same here, and likely with everyone posting or reading these pages..  Mine had also projected her dysfunction on me.  She’d targeted well, finding an empathetic, emotionally abused care-giver willing to doubt himself before others.  No more.  Hard lesson, though.

I’d mentioned years ago (on this forum) having the hardest time spotting BPD in guys.  Woman, I could nearly smell it.  Guys, very rarely did it jump out at me.  The problem? - much of how men are both allowed and encouraged to behave includes BPD behavior -- making it very difficult for women to spot.  So I’d suggest you listen to and follow your emotions; if it doesn’t feel safe, secure, or right - move on.

I’ve daughters in their twenties, so can’t help but feel quite fatherly in situations like this..  Ironic thing was, during my BPD experience, they’d both scold me for staying with her, “That’s middle school stuff” they’d say.  “You need to get rid of her!”  They were so right - and are already making better decisions than I did at their ages.  

I bet we all saw those flags Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)   As well as something we liked..  Those with BPD key on ‘what we like,’ then feed us all they can, until we’re hooked.  I’ve learned they’re experts at the initial hook, and - they’re constantly fishing, sometimes in front of you.  

What I eventually concluded (two great books and tons of research), they can not move to ‘the next level.’  The r/s can not grow, evolve, or mature.  Yes, they can and will recklessly commit to cohabitation, marriage, or children - But they can not maintain the r/s required to manage any of those.  

Also, you can not cure them, the condition is permanent. Therapy only ‘teaches’ them what’s normal behavior.  But to them, it will never feel normal, and from all I’ve learned, as much as they may sincerely want it to be so … pretending wears them out..  And, their failures will be always be blamed on you.

Drinking and drugs.  I learned more and played with more drugs while with my BPDgf than in my entire life  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  If he’s admitted to harder stuff, while still relying on others, he can not change.  There is no need waiting for ‘the man he intends to become,’ he will not get there.  And, he is a danger to you.

I’m glad you posted, you’re in the very early stages of ..moving on and healing.  Learn what you need to to accept the fact there’s nothing you can do to save him.  Life may have a place for him, but it’s not your responsibility to make, or find it.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2020, 12:12:35 PM by Inside » Logged
DreamPocket

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 4



« Reply #2 on: November 17, 2020, 06:31:55 PM »

Hi Inside,

Nevertheless, thanks! I'll take A welcome over none at all. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Yeah, being 9 years my senior, he's gotten close to marrying more than once. That was actually one of the red flags - he would have been OK marrying me after only 3 months. And after 4, he assumed I was already living with him. (I stayed over a few weeks during the holidays last year.)

He'd also said a couple times that he knew he was the reason all his relationships failed, but I didn't want ours to disappoint him, too.

You're right in that he lacked empathy for my emotional needs. He showed his concern by wanting to protect me physically. As in, he owned many guns so he could protect his loved ones; however, I felt highly unsafe with all the guns in the house, esp. when he would drink. (Another red flag)

Funny, we only lasted 6 sessions too. It seemed to do good, but then after almost 3 months of therapy and sobriety, he had his first relapse, during which he admitted to drinking just to get my attention and a reaction out of me, but he could quit with a *snap* of his fingers. He also demanded that I admit something that wasn't true, but he "felt" was true, and that I apologize for it.

You're right about them knowing their way in bed - it struck me how much he wanted to know how to please me, wanted my approval and validation in bed. I can really relate with that feeling of not being at their level attachment-wise.

"Targeted well" - That reminds me of something my ex said that kind of made my skin crawl. He once said, "I chose you." It made me wonder how long he'd been watching me at work before we met (bc we work in the same plant). However, so far he has not tried to contact me again after I requested he stop. Ironic bc I haven't been able to concentrate at work the past 2 days, even without his texts distracting me.

It's wonderful your daughters have that wisdom at their ages, truly a blessing. Neither of us had kids, yet we bonded over similar experiences in our early 20s, when we both chose not to have a child with our first exes. Actually, the fact we never agreed on having kids was another red flag. He wasn't open to it until after he felt attached to me--I was open to it only before I learned about his issues.

I have compassion for my ex, I still love and care for him. Reading your post and writing this out confirms that what I did was for the best - not sticking with my boundary would have been inauthentic, unkind, and most importantly like you said, unsafe. I hope and pray that he'll still see the need for change (like he said he did) and to continue seeing his individual therapist and seeking other support (like he said he would).

Thank you for reading and all your kind words and insight, Inside.
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Inside
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 604



« Reply #3 on: November 19, 2020, 08:55:10 AM »

Thank you for reading all my stuff..  And, guns, you say.  Dang, he only gets better  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

The proximity of working at the same place will make it difficult to stay permanently removed.  I’d met my BPDex through a shared group of friends, so no matter what negativity I’d experienced, or decided to avoid … there she’d be, at one of our many gatherings, and me with a pint or two of beer..  And away we’d go  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post) 

I had ten years on her, and can only imagine how much more difficult it is the other way around.  But she’d obviously honed her skills of hunting, projection, and running off, while I’d been a loyal husband and dad for nearly thirty years.  She had 2 boys from different fathers, the youngest, a teenager, lived with his dad in another state.  Her first had been raised by her parents  Yellow flag/questionable (click to insert in post) 

We’re set up to feel guilty for not giving them ‘another chance,’ so staying away is difficult. 

I’d gotten the constant texts, too -- for which not responding instantly appeared grounds for a breakup!  My moving 3 thousand miles away helped, but that’s rarely anyone's option.. 

Yes, we appear ‘chosen.’  The only time my BPDex had taken in our r/s now appears to have been while sizing me up, doing enough research and observation to, when we finally followed ‘everyone’s’ suggestion to get together, she moved fast.   

I’m sure they’re always on the lookout for our replacement.  As I’d gotten with her, I eventually met this dejected guy (one of several she’d still hang around) who I’d apparently replaced.  It seems there’s a small respite of calm as they move on new prospects.  As we worry about them, feeling sad and lonesome ourselves, they may even exhibit a euphoria of sorts while moving on to someone else.

It’s tuff denying someone you care about the attention or affection they crave.  But in this case, you must put your safety and sanity first.  They’ve done this many times, we haven’t.  Be strong  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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