Ex literally gave me the answer to every single question I have had

[clvrnn]

So, I used to post regularly here about my situation. I stopped posting for a while because I just wanted to try and move on.

I spoke to my ex today over the phone. I'd reached out after an extended period of NC and to my surprise she responded, asking me what my number was. So, she called me.

She literally gave me the answer to every single question I have had going around in my head for the last two years. She told me that the way she treated me was "messed up", and that I didn't deserve it because she knows I am a good person. And that she wanted to be with me but pushed me away because of her own conflicts and where she was mentally/emotionally in her life. That she doesn't hate me, and thinks I'm intelligent and funny, etc.

The only negative thing she really said was that she didn't understand why I kept reaching out - and for that I couldn't really offer anything other than an apology but I am relieved that she doesn't hate me for that, which was a big worry. She seemed to understand that it was a reaction to the way she'd behaved, and was quite empathetic with me.

She's now in therapy, which I'm amazed to hear and very proud of her for doing. She openly spoke about all her issues and just - I'm amazed at the level of clarity she spoke with. She also states that she doesn't think we can be friends because we get too intense with each other (which is true) and that we trigger toxic behaviours in each other (again, true).

My codependency is in full flow at the moment, because of course that's not really what I wanted to hear, and my tendency to try and control an outcome is flaring up, but I am trying to respect the fact that she has expressed she doesn't want to be friends with me - and I don't want to ruin the kind of 'nice' ending that we have just had. I am working so hard on respecting the boundaries of other people, even if it is not what I want/wanted to hear.

The conversation was literally everything I have wanted for 'closure' - it couldn't have really gone any better, and it's made me very emotional and almost sad? Lol.

[Lucky Jim]

She also states that she doesn't think we can be friends because we get too intense with each other (which is true) and that we trigger toxic behaviours in each other (again, true).

Hey clvmn, She put that well.  Are you ready to let go and move on?  You've got your closure, which is a lot more than most folks around here receive.  Consider yourself lucky to have emerged from a BPD r/s, which is now in your past.

LuckyJim

[clvrnn]

Hey clvmn, She put that well.  Are you ready to let go and move on?  You've got your closure, which is a lot more than most folks around here receive.  Consider yourself lucky to have emerged from a BPD r/s, which is now in your past.

LuckyJim

Hey, thank you for replying.

Yes, I had read so much about people never receiving that type of closure, and thought that would just be how it went for me too. In all honesty I didn't expect her to contact me, nor to say any of those things, so I'm feeling quite emotional today in general. I think yes, I have to let go at this point. I think I just became used to ruminating so it's a bit of a shock. But as I said, she answered everything, and the answers were the things I'd wanted to hear, so... that's it, I guess.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey clvmn, The heart and the head have different timetables, so be kind to yourself.  Maybe you could benefit from more processing of your feelings?  How to process?  Write in a journal, talk to a close friend or family member, meet with a T, take a walk in the woods, do something creative, etc.  You get the idea!

LJ

[brighter future]

clvmn,

It is so refreshing for me to read that someone got closure from their BPD ex. Like Lucky Jim said, that rarely happens if at all. All I got out of my uBPD ex-g/f was "I don't have the energy for any questions" when I asked her why I went from being the man of her dreams to a pile of garbage within a matter of days. This was in April. The very last time I talked to her in May, she told me I was a "wonderful, amazing man". It was crazy.

Even though I did not get closure directly from her, my therapist and the people in this forum pointed me in the right direction. I no longer ask myself why did she do what she did, but at times I still wish things could have been different for us.  After 7 months, I still miss the good times we had (part of me still truly loves her), but I do not miss all of the dysfunction that comes with BPD. She has started to pop back up in my life here and there over the last couple of months, which is something that pwBPD tend to do. However, my therapy and this forum have taught me how to deal with these "pings" from her. I'm practicing "compassion from a distance."

I agree with LJ on processing your feelings. For me, that was leaning on friends and family. My therapist has helped me work through the really tricky stuff, which is something that only a professional can do. Please give that some consideration if you think you could benefit from it. I started going once per week back in May and have stepped down to every other week since sometime in August.

I wish you well on your journey.