I start to feel defensive and blamed falsely Part 2

[RestlessWanderer]

This is a continuation of a previous threadhttps://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=347290.30

Today she’s upset because the state is going to close all nonessential businesses starting Monday. I didn’t tell her about the news until yesterday, which upset her more. Due, primarily, to poor communication between us we aren’t stocked up on many supplies like she wanted. She’s upset that I didn’t keep up with things the way she wanted despite the fact that she told me not to. She told me she would do it because I wasn’t doing things the way she wanted. She’s also told me she doesn’t want me to do the grocery shopping because I don’t do it her way. If it’s not on the list, I probably won’t get it. We had planned on going to Sam’s Club today to stock up, but because of the looming closures and because I didn’t tell her about the closures she got upset again and decided to just go a different store herself.
A little while ago she sent me a text saying “I’m going to end it. Tell (our son) I’m gonna stay somewhere else.” This could mean a couple of things: she’s expressed to me lately (in similar fashion to many previous times) that she has had suicidal thoughts. It could also mean that she’s ending the marriage.
I sent her a reply “what do you mean?” As of this moment I haven’t received a response.

She’s been getting upset about so many different things lately, and links many of them to me. I’ve tried to respond gently or not at all, but I may have still been stoking the fire. I try to be helpful and a good spouse, but I allow myself to be handcuffed by her mixed messages.

The good thing is I am with my son at home and we’ve had a good day, as we do most days. I’m still in a positive headspace despite the negativity of our marriage.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I’m going to break this post down, enumerating her responses and behaviors:

*She’s upset because nonessential businesses will be closed. (Yeah, and so is everyone else)

*She’s upset that you didn’t tell her until yesterday (And she isn’t able to look online, read a newspaper, or watch TV?)

*She’s upset that you didn’t do things that she told you not to do. (You can’t win with her—damned if you do, damned if you don’t)

*She doesn’t want you to do the grocery shopping (because you can’t read her mind about things not on the list and you’re supposed to do that)

*She threatens something, suicide or divorce, it’s not clear (And you’re supposed to tell your son some story when you have no idea what is actually going on in her mind)


It seems like she just wants to be upset and blame you. You try to be accommodating and helpful but there’s no end to her blaming you for things outside your control, things that she said she’d do herself but now feels like you should be doing them, and things that are of little importance.

All of these instances of blaming seem like bullying behavior. What lies underneath this?

My guess is that she feels powerless. And it’s a way of deflecting blame away from herself for the death of your child.

[formflier]

There might need to be two different approaches.

The "anti-paranoia thing" and then be ready to switch over to a "no bullying" posture.

One thing has me scratching my head is the "don't do x" and then being upset that you didn't do x or vice versa.

Offhand I'm not remembering dealing with that much.  The times that I can remember there was usually a reason given for changing her mind (usually my fault). 

Does she "remember" or acknowledge the other direction she gave you?

Best,

FF

[RestlessWanderer]

Cat, that is pretty much my assessment as well. Feels impossible to be able to have any reaction that is helpful or at least not making things worse. Frustrating on so many levels.

FF, any attempt to remind her of previous statements are heard as me placing blame on her as well as me avoiding blame. One is invalidating as we’ve discussed before, probably triggering emotions of being wholly wrong. The other is some way of making me be more flawed, hence the “coward,” “childish,” or “irresponsible” labels she puts on me.

I think much of her projection is tied to the many different things that have happened to her in her life: physical and psychological abuse by her father, tragic death of her mother, sexual abuse, multiple accidents and resulting chronic pain, PTSD, and insomnia, and of course the guilt over the death of our son.

Back to Cat’s thoughts on powerlessness, this sounds pretty accurate. She is a self proclaimed control freak (which I made the mistake of using in argument once). If I don’t do things her way she often responds by saying she will do it herself so she has control. This is such a frequent occurrence I now just wash my hands of things when she says she’ll do it. Once I was cleaning the kitchen and she told me to stop. I didn’t, then the rage that was triggered was among the worst she’s displayed. Hence me feeling gun shy when I sense looming dysregulation.

[formflier]

Perhaps be proactive with her "control".

"OK babe...you want me to let you handle this project..right?"  pause  "and if a change is needed..we'll discuss it first..right?"

That kinda feels clunky but you get the idea.

Then when she is like "blah blah...you never.."

"Oh babe...are you proposing a change to our agreement?"

Please don't try this yet..let's kick it around some.

Best,

FF

[RestlessWanderer]

I just have no idea how to talk to her anymore. She continues to maintain this air of negativity. She asks me a question and seems to expect a certain response. These questions are usually loaded (i.e. why haven’t you changed the oil? Why haven’t you cleaned the house? Why didn’t you pay this thing on time? Etc.). So, if I give her the answer she’s expecting, or if I don’t answer, or if the answer simply isn’t binary, she will then make sure that I know her assessment of why. Usually she goes to blaming me, calling me selfish, telling me that actions show that I don’t care about my family and my job and others are more important.
She’s just in this negative mindset and seems to have made up her mind that I am a piece of you know what, a typical male, as she likes to say (which is not a statement our son needs to hear).
I’m at a total loss and don’t have much hope for improvement.

[formflier]

Consistency over time may..may result in improvement.

Also, if your "gauge" is that she is going to behave better...then that's not a good goal.

There is a combination of you responding differently, enforcing boundaries and offering her different incentives.

Ultimately..you will get improvement by removing your ears from hearing the complaints...or you will learn to let the complaints "roll off"

I say all this because most of your posts describe how horribly she is acting...and measuring success by that metric is not a good plan.


Hang in there man...this is tough stuff.  What have you done to be kind to yourself today?

Best,

FF

[RestlessWanderer]

Despite my waning hope I will continue to work on learning more about the tools and using them.

As far as being kind to myself, I had to go in to work today and just got home. Now I have to go do some wrenching on my car to see if I can replace a failing part. That work should be rewarding as it’s something I haven’t done before, but I like learning new things. Also it may give me some time to myself, a big plus! My son will be playing outside while I work so time with him always makes me feel better.

This may or may not be something my wife appreciates me doing since she has the POV that men do this kind of thing. This would be an added benefit, but by no means motivation for me doing the work. And if she doesn’t appreciate it, oh well. Big wup.

[formflier]

Tell me more about the part you are replacing?

I love wrenching on stuff and teaching my kids to do the same. 

Even if your kid is just holding the flashlight, it's a good time to be close and you can talk about other stuff while he holds...and you twist..bang and wrench.

Best,

FF

[RestlessWanderer]

The work on the car got delayed. My wife got an electric fireplace console to put the tv on. So I’m assembling that now.

Tomorrow I’ll do the auto work, replacing the alternator.

[RestlessWanderer]

She did it again! She got upset with me last night for doing what she said. Or was it because I didn’t do what she said?

A little back story first. Two days ago she was in town to pick up a prescription. She got fed up waiting in the drive thru and made a move to pull out of line. Right at that moment a car drove past and nearly hit her. To avoid getting hit she swerved and sideswiped one of those yellow poles you find in parking lots. The driver side doors are badly dented and the driver’s window is stuck open.
Yesterday she got some plexiglas to put in place temporarily to protect the interior from frost. She also brought home the tv stand/electric fireplace. We were going to work on the window, then she asked me to assemble the fireplace. Meanwhile she played with our son. I paused to make dinner then I resumed the assembly. At some point in here my wife told me not to do the window, she would do it. So, I said back to her “ok, I won’t touch it.”
After we put our son to bed I thought about the truck so I went out and put some plastic sheeting to provide a little bit of protection. A few minutes later she asked if I had put the plexiglass in. When I replied no, she made some comments about my poor prioritization, saying something about her thinking I had done it, and some other colorful words.
I was speechless.

[RestlessWanderer]

I should add that this was, at least, the 10th time shes had something like this happen to a vehicle. This includes 4 vehicles that have been totaled.
My primary concern has always been her health and safety. I have gotten upset with her maybe twice.

[formflier]

Reading the story got me to wondering...why doesn't she clean up her messes?

What about her prioritization?

If she messes up a car and can't go places..let her sort that out.

It would be one thing if she appreciated it.  I like providing cars and working on cars for my family/wife.  But there is "positive feedback" (they appreciate it).


Best,

FF

[RestlessWanderer]

She would have to accept responsibility in order to clean things up.

On a brighter note, my son and I successfully replaced the alternator on my car (which by the way I bought from my mom because my wife totaled my SUV).

[formflier]

What if she didn't accept responsibility and you  didn't clean it up?

Perhaps another way...what if you didn't accept HER responsibility?

Best,

FF

[RestlessWanderer]

That’s essentially what has happened with the housework. I routinely clean the kitchen and some of the other clutter. But I don’t go nuts like she does and deep clean everything corner to corner, top to bottom. The result being her “going on strike” and intentionally making more messes, leaving her laundry in piles around the house. Basically making a point.

Moments ago we were talking and her frustrations came to the surface. Then she said “I’m not blaming you for this last accident, but if I didn’t have to go shopping because you didn’t I wouldn’t have been in town in the first place.”

[Cat Familiar]

Ugh! She is blaming you for EVERYTHING.

I think you’re being too nice. She has NO consequences to her bad behavior.

[RestlessWanderer]

It definitely feels like she blames me for everything. It’s hard for me to be anything but nice, it’s who I am and how I am wired.

Do you have any advice Cat on how I may enforce some consequences? I just don’t know what Can be done that won’t make things worse. She holds grudges and never forgets anything that she deems a slight against her. She is also a skilled and patient chess player when it comes to exacting revenge that she feels is deserved. Right now she is lashing out against me for so much that is based on her perception, I hesitate to think how she would act if I made a move with intention.

[formflier]

OK...normally I advise people to stay away from dichotomous choices, normally life is much more complicated and nuanced.

But here we have two choices.  She changes or you change.  Which person is more likely to "rewire" themselves for the benefit of the relationship?

Pause there and reflect on that, make sure you are sure about your answer.

what Can be done that won’t make things worse.  

You need to expand this answer.  

Worse in the short term?

Worse in the long term?

I'm not aware of anything you can do that will make things better in the short term, which means just about anything you do makes it "worse" in the short term.

Making things "worse" in the short term is part and parcel of making things better in the long term.

Again...stop and reflect.  If you don't believe this...deep down in your core, we need to stay there for a while.

There is no reason for us to help you adjust your wording and improve "tactical" issues, if you don't understand the strategic things that are going on.

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

PS:  Oh..."better in the short term".  If you bought her a new vehicle...how long would she be "happy"?  How long before she dynamited out your azz hole for not folding a rag correctly or not breathing at the right rate...or blinking your eyes too much...

[Cat Familiar]

Being nice is what has gotten you this deep in this mess.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be nice. I’m hardwired to be nice too. However being nice doesn’t mean you should bear the brunt of someone else’s abuse.

A wonderful therapist I saw, who was blind, but perhaps more insightful because of that, said, “Nice girls attract sociopaths,” in reference to my ex husband.

In the same way, you’ve allowed yourself to tolerate abuse that would have sent other men running for the exit long ago.

That is not good for you, not good for your wife, not good for your son to observe.

It’s going to be hard to break your pattern, but it’s possible.

And it will make things worse for a time.

What I’ve heard from you is that you’re looking for some magic words or strategies to deal with your wife’s abusive behavior.

There are NONE.

If you no longer want to be the target of her abuse, YOU have to behave differently. And that means BOUNDARIES and using “I” language.

“I am not interested in hearing about my faults. I’m going outside to the trailer.”

“I refuse to accept responsibility for your fender bender.”

“I’m doing the amount of cleaning I feel is appropriate.”

“I’m going to the store and buying what is on the list and nothing else.”

You can still be kind, but firm. It’s taken me a while to learn this as I was raised to be a people pleaser and I suspect you were too.

[RestlessWanderer]

As bad as things have  gotten lately and as far as she has gone before, I don’t know if I can handle worse, even if it means getting better.
That being said, I do understand what you two are explaining. It makes sense. The importance of it is clear.

Can you help me build up a collection of phrases to use as responses? Is that a viable technique? I like the ones that Cat put in her last post. Those sound and feel like I wouldn’t have to tweak much to make my own.

FF and Cat, thank you for taking such a consistent and honest interest in helping me. It’s touching and it means more than I can express. Thinking about what you two are doing for me actually has me crying here this morning. Thank you

[formflier]

As bad as things have  gotten lately and as far as she has gone before, I don’t know if I can handle worse, even if it means getting better.
 

Clarity:  There is no option I'm aware of where it doesn't get worse (at least first).

If you keep doing what you are doing..it will get worse..but slowly. 

This all assumes that she stays in denial and doesn't seek help on her own to change her ways (which is possible..but not likely).

Not trying to scare you, yet it's important that you know what you face. 

You can face worse and..worse and worse..

or

You can face much worse kinda quick, erratic behavior for a while and then possibly improvement.  (for sure will be different)

How do you feel reading this?

Best,

FF

[RestlessWanderer]

Like you said, if this is gonna get better one of us has to make a change. My current strategy certainly isn’t working.

[Cat Familiar]

Off the top of my head, before the coffee has kicked in, here are some phrases that might be applicable:

I’m willing to look at my faults, but hearing them over and over is not helpful.

If you want me to do something, tell me exactly what you want.

How can I make this better?

Let’s set aside the conflict and work on the resolution.

What specifically do you want?

How can I be of service?

What about this is important?

I’m not willing to listen to a discussion of my faults right now.

Let’s talk about things in private.

How about we focus on the most important issue right now.

I understand that you’re not happy about this. What can I do to make it better?

Let’s deal with one issue at a time.

As I was quickly writing these, what occurred to me is that I had to learn to be steadfast in my stance, and not accommodate to the shifting moods of my partner.

Since pwBPD can be so fluid in their wishes, opinions, frustrations, annoyances, to chase each fleeting one is to run around in circles after an arsonist.

Figure out what you want and don’t bend, unless it can be determined that is a better option.

IDK if that made any sense—coffee is just now starting to kick in. 

[formflier]

What about this is important?
 

I would add..."to you". 

or

"help me understand how you value this"

In my relationship my wife likes to talk about what I like and dislike (without asking me) and seems reluctant to share her own values.

So...placing these narrow questions to her has been interesting.  Some movement to the positive...but it's still limited.

Best,

FF

[RestlessWanderer]

Thank you both. I think this gives me somethings I can implement into my behaviors. Planting the seed of thought and introspection is important, but it is difficult for me to think on my feet and think about how to craft a good response. I’m one of those that thinks of the perfect comeback 20 minutes later.
This list gives me a quick Rolodex of responses that I can program in. Once I get better at them I can start to work with them some more.
FF I like what you added. That helps me to be mindful of my tone and word choice, soften things just enough.