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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Wow, I wasn’t expecting this  (Read 391 times)
B53
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 326


« on: November 17, 2020, 05:46:24 PM »

My ex broke up with me 3 or 4 weeks ago. He was a little different BP, than what I usually read about on this site. He is probably more the hermit type and hasn’t  jumped from one relationship to another. He has never cheated in a relationship. He is a very smart man, who has held the same steady job for over 20 yrs. Even before he was diagnosed he always apologized and realized how crazy his thoughts were in retrospect. We talked about it a lot and he wanted to change. He even paid for couples counseling. Unfortunately the therapist had no idea what we were dealing with and at that point neither did we. We even had plans in place to try to stop it when it happened, even bought an hour glass to set time to calm down before we talked. It didn’t work. He said that as hard as he tried, when the crazy guy took over, he had no control. Even when he was saying the mean things, he knew as he was saying them that they weren’t true,  but it came out anyway. The last time he had an episode and he walked out, no effort was made to resolve it. He sent me text saying he couldn’t stand to see how much he was hurting me and he thought he needed to focus on his recovery. I told him that I would respect his decision.

He was formally diagnosed in July and has found a therapist that specializes in mood disorders and  understands BPD. He has been working hard with the DBT program. He has only been doing this work for three or four months. I did see some positive changes, but certainly he hasn’t had enough to keep his crazy side at bay. Since he left I have been working on grieving and detaching and am doing ok considering and NC.

On this particular thread people are dealing with detaching at different levels and we don’t hear about people in recovery or success stories. Most articles I read say recovery is possible. I had been listening to a podcast by a recovering BP called borderline to Beautiful, which was encouraging.

SO, yesterday day I got a email from his therapist stating that he asked her to reach out to me to answer questions I may have and to discuss where he is in his recovery. So I figure one of two things will happen. She will  either be reaching out to help with my transition or to tell me that I jumped to quickly feeling it was hopeless and she is going to tell me that there is hope.
I am talking to her tomorrow. I am going to go into it with an open mind.
I know there are people on this site that are praying for this opportunity. As much as I still love him, I’m not so sure.

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B53
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 326


« Reply #1 on: November 18, 2020, 08:02:02 PM »

well, I talked to his therapist. The question that I asked her is, if he ever really loved me or was it just, mirroring, attaching and a fantasy. She said it was most likely it wasn't real love. She said that even though he is working hard in therapy that it was a slow process and it would be hard to tell if he will get better.

I feel like I am back to square one. I was doing so well, now I'm feeling anxious. I just want this feeling to go away.
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« Reply #2 on: November 19, 2020, 02:17:07 AM »

i dont ordinarily call out a mental health professional.

its a little bit of a red flag that she invited you to question her, and that shes giving her take to you, on your relationship. have you ever met her?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Lucky Jim
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211


« Reply #3 on: November 19, 2020, 10:46:26 AM »

Hey B53, I'm sorry you feel so anxious.  What would you like to see happen?  I can't tell from your posts.  Are you hoping for a recycle?  Are you ready to detach?  Are you unsure what you want?  The aftermath of a BPD r/s can be so confusing.  I suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  I ignored my gut at great personal expense.  Where do things stand at present?  Fill us in, when you can.

LJ
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
B53
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 326


« Reply #4 on: November 19, 2020, 05:33:10 PM »

Once removed,
I guess I didn’t explain it well. She was very professional. She didn’t really say anything one way or the other. I was reading between the lines. My ex asked asked her to get in touch with me under the premise of her answering questions that I may have about BPD and how he was progressing. My ex knows that I had done extensive research on the subject and I probably didn’t need help to understand. Though what she said was helpful. I don’t think she was aware of his motives or details of our interactions. Her answer was more like he does meet the criteria of BPD and is doing DBT and that it is a six month course and if her clients can afford it, she recommends they doing it twice. What this says to me is that he is doing the BPD attaching and mirroring, which is not love and the work he needs to do takes a long time and there are no guarantees. She didn’t say to continue or not continue with the relationship. That was up to me. He had said that his therapy was focusing on his childhood abuse and our relationship wasn’t really touch upon per say, though he did say that recently he had brought up the dynamics of idealization and devaluing. She didn’t have any details other than a few of the things that I had told her at the beginning of his therapy.  At their first meeting he had me talk to her first to give her an idea as to why we searched out therapy. It gave her a place to start. So I had talked with her before. This is my impression, but I think that having more details into our relationship, she might look more into what was happening between us and what his idea of what love is. She said that talking to me was helpful to help with his therapy.

Lucky Jim,

What I want to happen is to be told that he really loves me and our relationship will improve and we will live happily ever after. But in reality, that is not going to happen. Our relationship wasn’t based on healthy love and I need to move on, which is what I am trying to do. After talking to her I felt like it took me back a few steps and I was feeling sadder and needed to gain back my perspective. As you all know, this is really hard.

Thank you for responding, I haven’t gotten much feed back to my posts and it’s nice to know that someone cares.

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Lucky Jim
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Posts: 6211


« Reply #5 on: November 20, 2020, 01:37:17 PM »

Hey B53, I suggest you take some time to let the water clear.  You are 4 weeks or so out of the r/s, which is a relatively short period of time.  I would also suggest that you acknowledge your feelings as they come up and then process them in some way.  How to process?  That's up to you, but you could: meet with a close friend or family member; write in a journal; schedule an appointment with a T; take a walk in the woods; get a good physical workout; do something creative; etc.

Yes, it's hard, but the reality is that staying in a BPD r/s is a lot harder over the long haul.  Plenty of us here have recycled, including me, only to find oneself in the same place further down the road, except with more pain.

The first step, in my view, is to return the focus to yourself, to you and your needs.  Be kind to yourself.  You've been through an ordeal.  Get back to being who you are at your core.  Strive to be authentic!  Listen to your gut feelings.  You get the idea!

LJ



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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
B53
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 326


« Reply #6 on: November 20, 2020, 06:25:44 PM »

Thanks for the encouragement, Lucy Jim. I think I would be doing so much better if I wasn’t stuck in my house because of COVID. My daughter and grandchildren live in NY and they were going to come here for Thanksgiving and now they are not. My BP broke up with me so many times that I think my friends just figure we will get back together and are not reaching out anymore. I also think that my family really loves him, so they are not happy we broke up. They also don’t get it, the BPD and don’t want to. Since the only crazy thing he did was taking something minor and blow it out of proportion and then having a temper tantrum.He didn’t do any other of the crazy things I read about here. He was more of a hermit and is not looking to replace me, at least not yet. My family didn’t see much of it and they are so dysfunctional. My sister is so use to verbal abuse from her husband and that is not a big deal to her. God knows why she stays.
 My biggest problem is that I’m on his health insurance, so he will eventually contact me when he takes me off. I don’t want go off any sooner than I have to because it covers a lot more coverage then I can afford. So I’m going to get that text at some point. His therapist said that if he doesn’t leave me alone to let her know. He will listen to her.
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Gemsforeyes
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Ended 2/2020
Posts: 1130


« Reply #7 on: November 21, 2020, 01:55:24 PM »

Dear B53-

I’m very sorry that you’re going through this pain and confusion. 

Relationships with disordered partners are extremely complex, and REALLY hard to figure out.  And very difficult to detach from if and when we decide it’s better/more healthy for us, the so-called “non” to stay out, regardless of which partner actually exited and initiated No Contact.  I often question the “non” label as it’s tossed about on this forum.

I may have misinterpreted... did you and your BF bring your suspected BPD diagnosis to this particular Therapist?  Or did she arrive at the BPD diagnosis on her own?  People can have certain traits and NOT meet enough (I believe 5 or 6) of the 9 criteria to receive a full blown diagnosis.

I don’t know... it just gives me a bit of discomfort... is a T perhaps looking to have a client “fit” a diagnosis? 

WHAT makes you believe he DOESN’T love you and was simply mirroring you?  In what ways?  I am a firm believer that no one can speak to what defines “love” for another.

And WHY would HIS T need YOU to contact HER if your BF contacts you?  Is there some type of contract that he is NOT to contact you or his therapy STOPS?  Has your BF been harassing you?  Disrespecting the time apart? 

To my way of thinking, she is NOT your therapist, and this sort of borders on triangulation.  I don’t see that this woman belongs in the middle of your relationship, whether you’re together or not.

Wouldn’t the decision to communicate be between you and him?

Finally, I found this community in 2017 when I searched the phrase “unprovoked rage in men”, 3.5 years into my relationship with my now exBF.  He had a horrid RAGE in 2/2020 and left for what I determined WOULD BE the last time.  He had some awful behaviors... dishonesty, strange types of lies, horrific screaming of insults at me, smearing of my name to his family, stealing from me, extreme selfishness, needing me for EVERYTHING, and then HATING me for what he NEEDED me to do; adopting every word I said and making those words his own; damaging twisting of facts, covert incest with his mother, isolating me from anyone and everyone, blah blah, blah... It took time for me to figure out a LOT of this.  And to realize I could NOT recover from abuse while living it.  I wasn’t codependent really, I just didn’t know... enough about what I didn’t HAVE to live with. 

I constantly felt out of control.  But it was MY HOME.  I hadn’t accepted that I wasn’t out of control, even though I couldn’t control his cruelty or “fix” him.  I was so afraid to ask him to leave. And in between he was so funny and loving...  So I had to wait from 10/2019 (when I saw another horrible thing he did) until he had a RAGE bad enough to pack up again and finally leave in February 2020.  Thank GOD...

He texted for 3 months trying to return.  No thank you.  I am 63.  I don’t want to know him anymore.  Sorry to hijack your thread.

Yours sounds somewhat different.  Less severe?  I don’t know.  But I’m not sure how much his T should step INTO your relationship.   What are your thoughts on this?

In time, You’ll figure out where you stand.  How DOES NC feel for you?

Aside from the health insurance, do you want to maintain a connection with him?  Do you WANT to engage with him?  To touch base with him?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes










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B53
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 326


« Reply #8 on: November 21, 2020, 05:18:51 PM »

Hi Gemsforeyes,
I don’t care if you high jack my post. Hearing that people have gone through or are going through the same thing is helpful.

I haven’t seen or talked to him in about four weeks. No, I do not want to hear from him, though, if he doesn’t respect my wishes and starts bothering me, then I will be annoyed and that might help me heal. I had someone stalk me once and it’s scary.

I was the one that figured out he had BPD. I noticed that when he had his episodes that he was a totally different person. Not just his personality, his whole being. I Googled multiple personality disorder and Jekyll and Hyde and BPD came up. Most of it fit. He didn’t do risky behavior, self harm and didn’t mind being alone. He is mild mannered and never acted out in everyday life. All our episodes had to do with him getting upset over something trivial that I did. For example, I’m a preschool teacher and last year at the beginning of the year, I was overwhelmed with my class, a lot of energy and a new assistant. I came home exhausted. During the summer every night we made dinner together and when school started, he made dinner two days in a row and I didn’t help. I thought hey, what a nice guy. He took it as, I didn’t like him anymore because I didn’t come down and help. Instead of saying something to me, he got quiet and gave me the cold shoulder and then went home. I had no idea what I did. I didn’t hear from him for about four or five days. Then he confronted me and then used character assassination. Things like I was a really mean person, pretend to like him and so on. Usually what he said didn’t even apply to me. After he would explode, then he would calm down and we would talk about, he would realize that he blew it out of proportion. He was sorry and everything was great for 2 or three months, then the cycle started all over. No lying or cheating or doing questionable things. I did notice some mirroring, though he did have some of his own opinions. For example he didn’t like the Baltimore Ravens, which is our home team and I couldn’t talk him into it. He would us my pet names for him and he would call me that. The reason I don’t believe he loved be is because if you read about BPD, they attach, not love. Also when I didn’t feel well, he would get me what I needed, but then he would distance himself. I couldn’t be there for him, so he would disappear.

 His therapist didn’t make him fit the diagnosis, in fact she never told him at first what was going on. I think she wanted to draw her own conclusions. I have done a lot of therapy and I didn’t feel she was crossing a line. She did not contact me to interfere with our relationship. He asked her to touch base with me to see if I was ok and answer questions that I may have about BPD. She had no idea how much I knew. Believe me I tried to get her say whether I should stay or go and of course she wouldn’t. She did agree that people with BPD has attachment issues. She did say that she didn’t know what his definition of love is.

I told her about what happened when he devalued me. She never gave me any information about anything that was going on in his therapy, only how they use DBT and explain a little about the program. I don’t know if they have even discussed our relationship and if they have, I don’t think it was in detail. I think they have been working on his childhood abuse. She did say I gave her useful information, not about our relationship, but areas to work with him on. Probably his triggers and his emotions.
 She is a very seasoned therapist and knows her stuff. She said the first time he met, that she does not do individual therapy and couples therapy together. This was about him, not me or us.

Did that answer your questions?

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