BPD mother

[tb1980]

Long post. You’ve been warned...

I am reaching out because I’m in need of help coping with a BPD mother. A bit of background: I’m an only child and I’m now 40 years old. My mother has a pretty extensive trauma history and she had me when she was very young (19). I remember as a child oftentimes taking on the parent role and doing whatever I needed to make her happy as she could be very loving and doting but also VERY unpredictable. Mom has struggled with substance abuse much of her life and when I went away to college, she started having health problems (many of which were self-inflicted).  Over the years she developed “lesions” on her head and neck, and she’d pick at them until they’d become infected and would say it was necessary to “get the infection out” but they’d only get worse and now she’s in pretty rough shape but continues to cut and pick at them despite many medical professionals telling her not to and what the consequences would be. Long story short, since I got married and have been out on my own she’s contacted me many times in crisis mode (“I’m dying,” “your father is abusing me,” “I’m really sick this time and I need you here.”) If I don’t respond in the way she wants me to, she becomes angry and belligerent, telling me things like “you owe me,” and calling me selfish.

These patterns got so bad that I’ve responded by shutting her out of my life for months, sometimes years at a time. I realized that this isn’t about me, as I have considered it at length and realized that I have no other relationships in my life that are like this. I’ve attempted to confront her about the behaviors many times and typically leave the conversation apologizing and wondering why I feel like I’m the one who has done her wrong. I’ve since come to realize that this is because I’m being gaslighted. Her husband (my adoptive father) comes to me 1-2 times a year wanting to leave her because it gets to be too much but inevitably stays in the relationship. He has bipolar disorder and is inconsistent with treatment and oftentimes just doesn’t fight her because it’s easier not to. She has no good friends or healthy relationships because inevitably each one ends with an altercation with the opposing party “always at fault.”

Now to complicate matters more, I have two small children. Mom wants nothing more than to be in their lives and I have made many attempts to make this work. She’ll be great with them - loving, showers them with gifts, etc., but has become angry when my 3 y/o refused to hug her and became very angry, verbally aggressive  and offended. Now the 3 y/o is 6 and the last time we saw her, he hugged her and she turned quickly and kissed him on the lips. I told him afterward that he does not have to hug anyone he doesn’t want to he said “I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.” This hit me hard because it’s the same thing I do and have done most of my life - made myself uncomfortable because I don’t want to hurt someone else.

She will blame her behaviors on drugs (“oh, I was coming off benzos that day” or “I wasn’t myself, I’d taken something.”). But when I try to draw boundaries she just walks right through them, every single time and the cycle continues. She’ll be great for a few months - loving, present, etc., and then she’ll decide to confront me about something from the past or to say something bad about my husband or his family (he has nothing to do with her - she came at him physically at a family Christmas party over 10 years ago). She refuses to admit that she has a drug problem and won’t get help. She sees a therapist but claims “there’s nothing wrong with me so we just talk about the weather and spiritual stuff.” And speaking of spirituality - she claims to be super spiritually evolved and oftentimes uses this as a weapon against me. She’s blamed bad things that have happened to me on my karma on multiple occasions.

As an adult, I’m recognizing more and more how codependent I am. I apologize for EVERYTHING and take responsibility for things that are not my fault (as my go-to is to assume it is my fault). My husband wants me to shut her out as he sees the damage the relationship does to me but I feel terrible about keeping her from her grandchildren so when I have them around her, I don’t leave her alone with them. She’s definitely noticed and I know it’ll come up one day. It’s all just so hard and I don’t know what to do any more.

[beatricex]

Hi tb1980,
You are not alone and I have a BPD'd mom and 5 siblings, two of which moved to a different state to avoid the entire "grandkids dilemna." 

Myself, I actually chose not to have kids because of my mom.  I know it is sad.  "Grandparents have rights" played like a broken tape in my head when I was younger, and I couldn't bring myself to involve children in the mess that was my emotional bondage.  back then

I really get you.

Please post a little more.

Any reason you and your husband can't move?  Just thinking that is a really easy thing to do, and I know you're an only child, but... hmmm

b

[Turkish]

Did she become angry in front of your son or try to guilt him, or was it privately with you?

It's interesting that you picked up on the dynamic of adult pleasing. Did he say why he didn't want to hug his grandma?

I found out a few years later that my mom was hurt that I didn't leave my then toddler son in her care. My mom never asked me,  I heard it from her neighbor "frenemy" who had her own issues with my mom.  Aside from the emotional stuff, and my mom was mostly good with my kids under supervision, she lived in a filthy hoarder house. No way I'd leave my kid there,  at any age!

[Blue Elephant]

I feel everything you're saying so much right now as a 29 year old only child (on my mother's side) and that's especially hard. I'm pretty much in a similar boat right now except instead of grandchildren it's our dog. I'm trying so hard to find a way to separate from her and create healthy boundaries and it gets SUPER overwhelming.

Honestly, I just want you to know you're not alone because until about a week ago I didn't realize how many other people might be in my situation or something similar.

In my opinion what you're doing so far seems reasonable of not leaving your children there alone because I've often thought the same if I ever had children. Maybe you and your husband could create some boundaries together that would keep everyone moderately pleased with the arrangement and together you could enforce the decided consequences if she crosses the line. My boyfriend is the first objective perspective to come this close to my mother in so many years so I find that really helps me disrespect my own boundaries and limits less. Like a gentle nudge when I'm bending more than I would want. You shouldn't need you or your kids to be in situations that you're not comfortable with too often to please her since that's a choice and spending time with them is a privilege, so if whatever boundaries you decide aren't respected, you would have every right to carry out the decided consequence.

Best of luck to you and your family because man is it ever hard (especially with limited family to support).