In a lot of arguments we have, she typically starts them and it results with me being called selfish, inconsiderate, or uncompromising unless things unfold the way she wants them to.
Whenever she mentions she needs help with daily tasks or some kind of adult responsibility, she tends to nag on about it and how she never has any help until I speak up and step up to whatever issue she's having. She thinks it's okay to act that way and that it's wrong when I don't step up and take responsibility for things pertaining to her...I love her but we're not married and I can't constantly be her saving grace. She has said to me that her relationships always go this way and she doesn't even see that the common factor is herself. I don't think it's fair for her to expect that much out of me and devalue my feelings for her whenever I don't immediately step up in those moments. She tells me my lack of enthusiasm to help means I don't care when in reality, I'm just tired of being her only source for everything and her not seeing how detrimental it is for my mental help...I know I'm not perfect but am I really the inconsiderate and selfish partner she says I can be? It's hard to convince yourself otherwise when all you hear is how short you fall when it comes to being a supportive partner when it matters the most.
Hi Turtle,
So many pieces of your story rang so familiar and I'm currently going through one of those arguments right now. It definitely makes you question your core self. If you're on here looking for help, I think you're far from selfish. I agree that there is a lot of projection going on and our BPD people are very good at identifying their own feelings but not so great at understanding how we feel. Its funny because "selfish, inconsiderate, uncompromising/stubborn" are word for word exactly what I get called by my uBPDbf.
I also get nagged often about not completing my "assigned tasks". How it's the least I can do for him, considering all the sacrifices he makes, etc. Their sense of entitlement is strong, and maybe one of the reasons why nons (at least me) are resistant.
Another member brought up to me the concept of cognitive dissonance. You know you're a pretty alright person (as I'm sure is confirmed by +90% of the other people you hang out with), yet your partner is trying to paint a different picture and convince you that you're a terrible person. Its hard not to take it personally and believe me I have spent hours crying over it. It's ironic how they value people who are really confident & emotionally strong, but they work so hard to tear that down without a second thought. It's interesting how BPD is such a complex mental issue and yet many of the people who have it all say the same things in the same ways in similar situations.
You are doing your best and that's all you can hope for! You are a strong, amazing, charasmatic, empathetic person or else your BPD partner wouldn't have been drawn to you. You are not alone and I hope you find a way to support your own mental health too.
