Dealing with new mother suffering with BPD

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Im living with my partner and raising our newborn son together. I don’t know how to navigate this whenever she gets upset and goes off on everything. It feels like I’m walking on eggshells all the time and told constantly that I don’t do enough. Yes she handles the majority of the baby needs but I do everything else around it. She’s just simply better with the baby than I am but she’s always asking me to do more on top of, not reduce, everything else I’m doing. I’m giving everything ive got snd it’s never enough snd whenever I try to talk to her about it she gets defensive and argumentative. She doesn’t listen she just fights. I’m so close to leaving but I don’t want to break up my family. I’m just tired of feeling like I’m not enough.

[Wesley88]

Im living with my partner and raising our newborn son together. I don’t know how to navigate this whenever she gets upset and goes off on everything. It feels like I’m walking on eggshells all the time and told constantly that I don’t do enough. Yes she handles the majority of the baby needs but I do everything else around it. She’s just simply better with the baby than I am but she’s always asking me to do more on top of, not reduce, everything else I’m doing. I’m giving everything ive got snd it’s never enough snd whenever I try to talk to her about it she gets defensive and argumentative. She doesn’t listen she just fights. I’m so close to leaving but I don’t want to break up my family. I’m just tired of feeling like I’m not enough.

[worriedStepmom]

I'm so sorry you are feeling that overwhelmed.

Dealing with a newborn is so tough, and it's harder when your partner is disordered.

How was your relationship before the baby was born?

You say that she is better with the baby than you are.  What can you do to feel more confident around your infant?  Sometimes it's just a little practice...and sometime your partner may criticize you for doing things *differently* - but that doesn't mean you're wrong.

[Notwendy]

Are you able to pay for help for any of the other tasks? You might not be able to bring someone in to help clean due to the pandemic, but what about tasks like prepared meals, laundry? Many restaurants have had to change to take out, and in some cities there are caterers that make prepared meals. There is likely a lot of constant baby laundry to do but sending out sheets, towels, adult casual clothes to the laundromat might cut down on the load. Grocery delivery helps if you are not doing it already.

Doing this can cost more, but even managing to do a part of it can take the load off you.

If your wife is nursing the baby, that takes up a lot of the time, and she's likely exhausted with a newborn. This is a big change for even parents who are not dealing with a mental disorder.

On your part, you need to deal with your own feelings of inadequacy. It's really nice to feel appreciated and that you are doing enough. Honestly with BPD, I don't think there is a way for them to feel "enough" and that is due to their own issues, not your truth. Trying to reach "enough" may not be a realistic goal. You have to hold on to your reality here. The best you can is actually "enough" on your part regardless of if it is perceived.

A newborn is stressful and the baby years are not easy but they are precious. However, getting assistance for yourself in the tasks of parenting might not come from a BPD partner. She may be so overhwelmed it's not possible. Here is where giving yourself a break by using resources like prepared meals or sending laundry out might help. However, also be careful not to take on too much and let her do what she can contribute. Ultimately, the focus is on what the child needs. If one adult isn't capable of meeting the child's needs then it needs to be done.

[livednlearned]

People with BPD can do a real number on our self-esteem.

It sounds like she is projecting her own stuff onto you (feeling inadequate). Even if she's figuring things out as a new mom, she likely feels some sense of being out of control.

whenever I try to talk to her about it she gets defensive and argumentative

Do you feel comfortable giving us an example of what she says and how she says it, and how you respond?

Maybe we can help walk with you and find ways to make things from getting worse.

Are you getting any time with the baby?