New here - my daughter may be BPD

[GuitarGuy]

I have a young adult daughter, diagnosed w  BPD. My wife - her adoptive mom - died about 8 years ago, and I finally began a relationship with a wonderful woman about a year ago. It’s been pretty crazy. I’m here for some help and support.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PearlsBefore]

 

Welcome to BPDFamily.org, we're glad to see you and sorry you're here. But the good news is, this is a very supportive place. I guess before I can offer much in the way of resources or support, I'd need to fish for a little more information; if she's a young adult now and her adoptive mother died 8 years ago, I'm assuming that occurred when she was somewhere in the 8-16 age range herself, and that the adoptive mother was living with you and her at the time?

That's likely to cause a great deal of PTSD or Complex PTSD for an adolescent, including symptoms that may incorrectly appear to be BPD to a doctor who might not give due weight to the effect of the death. So it's worth keeping an open mind to the fact that your daughter may have a perfectly healthy brain, that has simply been derailed due to the trauma of losing her mother during adolescence. The fact this was an adoptive mother, also suggests it might be the second traumatic loss of a mother figure in her life, even if she was too young to meaningfully appreciate the first loss - her subconscious had to grapple with the fact it must have happened.

That said, there is also a correlation that authors like J. Hermann write about, dealing with the possibility that BPD can be triggered by socially inappropriate grieving responses and interactions between surviving parents and opposite-sex children - so if something did occur during the intervening seven years, that would increase the chances that BPD is the correct diagnosis even without any family history of mental illness, etc.

I haven't experienced it myself, but I've seen a few people on this forum mention that their adult BPD daughters form such a close emotional bond with their single father that the idea of him finding a new partner can trigger emotional distress for them as their anxiety and abandonment complex get kicked into overdrive. Even if nothing physical has ever happened, there's an underlying Jocasta complex that gets insanely competitive viewing any other female relationships as competition to her for your attention and love. I have one dBPD in my life who views her husband's sisters as competition to her, for example - certainly irrational and unhealthy, but there it is.

If there's specific help or support we can offer, just let us know!

[GuitarGuy]

Hi,

My daughter's mom and I had been married almost 20 years when she died in 2012.  My wife had begun having health issues when my daughter was 7; two years later my son (2 years older, also adopted) was in the psych ward; a year later we found out my wife had cancer.  In retrospect, my daughter began feeling abandoned (probably rightly so) when she was about 7 years old. My wife had cancer in her brain, so her behavior became erratic and sometimes difficult.  My daughter took the brunt of that.  I also now have reason to believe that my daughter had been molested sexually by an older kid when she was 5, but I don't have concrete knowledge about that.  So yes, there is a lot of stuff going on.  Certainly enough for a diagnosis of PTSD.  Her current therapist is focusing on the PTSD, says BPD could well be a part of the equation, but she chooses to focus on the PTSD, anxiety, panic attacks and, hopefully eventually, the relationship with me.  My sister lived with BPD for 16 years, directed me here and has suggested many books.  It's time for me to get to work, I guess...

[PearlsBefore]

You've got your hands full, no doubt. Yes, obviously I was tiptoeing around the term "molestation" because I never like to address it directly since it can cause people to become (rightly or wrongly) offended and storm off in a huff - but where this is not an instance that affects your own conscience, it's good to be able to address it openly.

Most of what I've read suggested that simple "creepy neighbor" molestation doesn't increase the risk of BPD so much as "parent figure" does since it ultimately leads to their inability to process healthful non-sexual relationships (they often become quite libertine) and an abandonment complex - but I'm not sure how that plays into the role of either older-sibling or older-friend molestation (if it was "just a neighbor kid" who she didn't particular view as near-family, I'm not sure it's likely to increase risk of BPD, so would focus on the PTSD)...not sure I've seen that mentioned in any of the books that spring to mind. I'd suggest it's not the sort of thing to address with a "run of the mill, jack of all trades therapist" who can offer psychobabble not actually based on BPD research and possibly even lead you astray...you'd be better off asking on a phone consult with a BPD researcher/author if they've come across literature on the issue.

Ultimately, I'm not sure "talking to a therapist about the experience" actually yields positive results for them; it's just good research toward trying to understand the underlying problems and how you might be able to short-circuit them in the future. The strong present-time fixation of BPDs in my experience means that "dealing with the past" is less useful than it is for non-BPDs. On that front, I'd say it sounds like the current therapist is on the right path trying to focus more on the behaviors than on the BPD diagnosis.

In my own experience with my closest dBPD, all the mindfulness and DBT/CBT tricks in the world could typically only help her if she employed them before she started exhibiting symptoms of a panic attack. After that, we needed medication. I personally vouch for alprazolam's effectiveness in heading off some of her attacks, while cautioning that doctors prefer to prescribe lorazepam but it exhibited less efficacy and more side-effects. Obviously every case might be different, but there's my two cents.

[GuitarGuy]

Thanks for your reply!  My daughter's current therapist has BPD experience and training - she says she currently does not have a DBT group going or she'd have her in it (assuming she'd be willing to participate, which is questionable).  Right now my daughter is angry - well, she seems like she's been angry for a couple of years, but now in particular, because of a fight we had and the consequences.  I don't know how much detail is safe to describe, but it got pretty ugly between her and me first, then her and my girlfriend.  Well, maybe now my ex-girlfriend.  It's gotten complicated.  Meanwhile, my daughter says that if I continue to see the girlfriend that "we are through!".  I told her I don't know how things will go, at the moment we seem to be broken up, but I said I don't think it's healthy to let my daughter decide who I get to have a relationship with.  She hung up, that's the story to-date. 

[beatricex]

Hi Guitarguy,
My step daughter also told her dad (my husband) to leave me when we were dating, almost 5 years ago.  We broke up for a week.

Flash forward to now.  9 months ago, my step daugther told her dad if he did not leave me, she would disown him, and "you will never see me or my kids again". 

That is where we're at.

She lost both times, my husband and I are united. 

I hope if you love your girlfriend, you will try to work it out with her, because no matter who you marry, your BPD'd daughter is not going to like them.  Sad fact, borderlines see anyone who takes their supply away as competition.

My mom is also BPD'd so I have lots of experience with this unfortunately, in fact, after almost a decade of therapy and writing on boards like this one and others, I feel like I know more than some professionals.  Something therapy taught me:  trust yourself, always.  Something my BPD'd mom taught me:  trust myself (not her) always.

Keep writing, you are here because it's theaputic to be heard, and I hear you, and get it.

b

[GuitarGuy]

Hi b,

thanks.  you've given me some real food for thought.  I'm wrestling with demons of my own too, of course - aren't we all? I'm a pretty long-time recovering addict/alcoholic, also a longtime member of alanon and adult children of alcoholics, and some of the common themes in alanon and ACA are people-pleasing, fear of confrontation, etc.  I'm in the midst of a pretty serious push to figure out how to create and maintain boundaries. Any suggestions and/or encouragement are welcome!

[beatricex]

hi again Guitarguy,
Well, it is always terrifying for us people pleasers to assert a boundary.

And, for me, the real challenge is not the boundary setting per se, but the letting go of the outcome and not going "nuclear" when I set it.

Example (me to husband):  "if you want to have a relationship with your kids without me, I'm OK with that.  Just call/text them, arrange it, and you can go see them without me.  I don't want to be the person preventing you from seeing your kids"

But...they don't get to come to my house and disrespect me.  That means, no eye rolling, no talking about me behind my back while they're at my house, no sarcastic or rude comments, and they can't pretend like they live here and not me  (weirdly this has happened).

whew.


hard to do, but ya I did it.

What kind of boundaries do you think you need to set now?  and, no worries we all have our problems here, I am not one to judge.

b