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Author Topic: Help. I fear I can never let go  (Read 549 times)
Lulu1

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« on: February 08, 2021, 05:29:38 AM »

Hi guys ☺️ So I’ve written here a couple of times about my exwbpd. We met in June ‘19. He cheated and it ended that winter. Anyway, he was very cruel then. Blamed me etcetc. That r/ship didn’t last and by Feb of last year, back talking. With Covid emerging, we just texted as friends. I knew he’d struggle with lockdowns. I stupidly saw him in the summer then he went awol again. Even changed his number.
Lo and behold, he was on dating apps in October so I figured, some fun without strings would be fine. He ALWAYS said he only saw me as that. Sure enough, it went wrong! Any time I got in touch to make an ‘arrangement,’ he took a week to reply or said he was miserable so I lost interest and said forget it.
On Boxing Day he text me and said he was distant because his ex wants custody of their child and I deserved to know. I was understanding. Then he starting saying he wants fwb again- “he doesn’t have the same chemistry or sex” with anyone else. “He isn’t distracted when with me” “sex isn’t just sex” “wants to be more open” I declined saying it was mind games

Anyway, I’m indecisive myself. Hugely & after realising a week later, other men simply bore me, I thought fwb is no issue, I text him. He just said why have I changed my mind. I then said well let’s just be friendly then, no reply. Found out he’d already formed a new relationship.
I need you guys to help pull me out of wanting this person who clearly is no good for me! Why do I go back? He always said he didn’t want commitment with me but his words and actions were always so different that it’s probably why I returned. Like an idiot! Now he’s just lovebombing someone else putting love hearts on their photo! I’m 33, attractive enough, men do show interest- they’re just either boring in bed or dull in general. Why can’t I be happy with this when this wretched bloke doesn’t even care about my feelings...
« Last Edit: February 08, 2021, 05:37:16 AM by Lulu1 » Logged
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« Reply #1 on: February 09, 2021, 10:07:07 AM »

Excerpt
I’m 33, attractive enough, men do show interest- they’re just either boring in bed or dull in general. Why can’t I be happy with this when this wretched bloke doesn’t even care about my feelings...

Hey Lulu, The answer, I suspect, is that on some level you are unable to love and value yourself enough to avoid this destructive cycle, with the result that you keep returning to "this wretched bloke" even though you know it will lead to more pain and heartache.  The place to start, I suggest, is by learning to love and accept yourself, which sounds easy but is actually pretty hard for us Nons.  You are already worthy, but don't know it yet.

Does this sound accurate?  Let us know.

LuckyJim
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Lulu1

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« Reply #2 on: February 09, 2021, 02:41:56 PM »

Hiya Smiling (click to insert in post) Lovely to read your reply, and I'd say you're correct. I thought about it today and to e fair, I've had my fair share of pain in life. Whilst growing up, my father had narcissistic tendencies, so I do think I'm attracted to certain 'types' of people. (just an idea!) I do need to learn to love myself more. I feel particularly unworthy these days...I shouldn't have called him a wretched bloke, but that was how I felt. I've allowed him to treat me this way. I'm not a toy he can use and discard. I have dated others in-between, but I fear I never feel desire or lust for any of them ?
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« Reply #3 on: February 10, 2021, 01:55:54 AM »

hi Lulu,

i think most (all?) of us here are drawn to some things that are unhealthy for us.

part of recovering from these breakups necessarily entails facing those things head on. its that way, ive found, that ive made headway.

cheating is a betrayal that cuts pretty deep, and can effect any of us in a variety of ways. its made even more complicated to be blamed for it. theres something in all of us that strives to cope by knowing that we are worthwhile, that we are loveable. how we go about seeking that can vary. sometimes we seek it from someone else, sometimes we seek it from ourselves, sometimes we seek it from a person who isnt really in a position to provide it.

Excerpt
He always said he didn’t want commitment with me

youre chasing a person that isnt really in a position to provide it, and has made that pretty clear all along; not just with the cheating, though that was a significant part of it, but with the type of relationship he wants to have (and a friendship with benefits is generally an emotionally unavailable relationship).

devaluing him for that will not help you cope. if anything, it will keep you stuck, and its part of why youre having trouble feeling attracted to other men.

you feel lousy and rejected by someone who was never prepared to make you feel otherwise. and it sucks, and it hurts, but we cant respond to rejection with "you cant reject me, im rejecting you", and realistically expect that to work.

the more you acknowledge your hurt, and understand where this thing went wrong, the more you will let go of the complicated feelings for this person you have, feel more attracted to others, and attract them as well.
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« Reply #4 on: February 10, 2021, 01:11:55 PM »

Hi Lulu,

I understand where you're coming from. I've had a strong attraction to cluster-B personalities (and vice versa) all my life. There is an intensity I find in these women that is in a way irresistible to me. With the predictable paradox for me to deal with: either I have a high intensity relationship that in the end makes me miserable, or I go for something with a lower intensity that does make me happier and feel cared for, even though it sometimes feels a bit... boring?

I haven't found a good solution for this yet. And I'm 45 years old, so I wish I had, because frankly, it's a very unproductive mindset in relationships.

I do strongly feel that these personalities trigger or appeal to a hurt child inside of us, that this is the foundation for this feeling or attraction. My sister compares it to drugs. Yes, life on heroine or cocaine is more intense, but it doesn't make you happy in the long term. I guess that's just something we need to accept. I've had plenty of therapy to work through these issues, and although the therapy does help, the 'intensity of attraction' issue remains. So unfortunately, no quick fix from my side here... My best solution so far, and my best relationship so far, was a middle ground. Some issues that made things tricky, but no full-on personality disorder stuff. And a decent sexual life, but of course not on the level of what cluster-B's can 'offer' you.

It's a balance thing in the end. How much misery do you want to endure for those brief moments in bed?
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« Reply #5 on: February 10, 2021, 05:08:22 PM »

I think its great that you recognise it as a "fear", and that it has (at this moment) some sort of paralysis on how it affects your thoughts and decisions.

i can relate, it was strange feeling. the only thing that changed it most was a few years later actually leaving and staying no contact for several months. What actually does the fear feel like, could you describe it. does it affect you in a sort of terror way of breaking apart, does the attachment already got to that stage?

it is possible to face up to it and resolve it, sometimes it is more complex in origin than what appears on surface it could be traced back and this guy is a form of trigger memory. These are things a therapist might help with if that is the case.
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Lulu1

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« Reply #6 on: February 10, 2021, 05:57:36 PM »

you feel lousy and rejected by someone who was never prepared to make you feel otherwise. and it sucks, and it hurts, but we cant respond to rejection with "you cant reject me, im rejecting you", and realistically expect that to work.

Ahh you’re very right, and I have known for a while that this person will never be in a position to make me feel anything other than these things. I just think my heart had a hard time catching up. It’s the lies & games that I don’t understand, with just me it feels like; I never got the truth- and how come they commit to other people? Even when I actually met him on his level of no strings attached. When I previously asked this, he’d just say “it’s not you, it’s me or I don’t want any type of r/ship” and then has one

Perhaps I just want to psychoanalyse haha. A friend said it’s because they know I see through him, but somehow I feel we’re the ones they walk over..
« Last Edit: February 10, 2021, 06:04:45 PM by Lulu1 » Logged
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« Reply #7 on: February 10, 2021, 11:48:15 PM »

Ahh you’re very right, and I have known for a while that this person will never be in a position to make me feel anything other than these things. I just think my heart had a hard time catching up. It’s the lies & games that I don’t understand, with just me it feels like; I never got the truth- and how come they commit to other people? Even when I actually met him on his level of no strings attached. When I previously asked this, he’d just say “it’s not you, it’s me or I don’t want any type of r/ship” and then has one

you did get the truth: he wasnt prepared to commit to you.

there was a lot of baggage in your relationship as it was; he had cheated. thats really hard to come back from, let alone build into something stronger.

there was an attraction, but there wasnt a future.

i was in his position once. there was a gal i pursued, and she pursued me even harder. when she pushed for commitment, i balked. i told her it wasnt her, i went out of my way to stress it in fact, and i meant it. but i put all the blame on myself. i didnt tell her all of the real reasons. that would have been unnecessary, and hurtful. and then shortly after, i fell into another relationship. that wasnt because of her, or something she lacked. its because i didnt see a future between us, at least not one i was prepared to invest in.

it happens. sometimes relationships are just mismatched, one person wants it more than the other, and it doesnt, and cant, work out.

Excerpt
Even when I actually met him on his level of no strings attached

you told him that you werent interested and accused him of mind games, and then rapidly changed your mind. he asked you what made you change your mind, and you told him to forget about it. you made an impulsive move, he could sense that, and he did you a kindness in not taking advantage of that. you feel low about it because it was a desperate move, and you see it as a rejection of you, when it was mainly a case of you lowering your standards. focus on that part. he didnt do that part to you. it just stings more because you lowered your standards and then found out he was in a relationship.

you can beat yourself up for it, or you can beat him up for it, or you can constructively examine this relationship and see that it was a dead end, and that its time had long past, let yourself feel the loss, grieve it, and learn from it.
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Lulu1

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« Reply #8 on: February 11, 2021, 05:40:59 PM »

.
It's a balance thing in the end. How much misery do you want to endure for those brief moments in bed?

Hiya, thanks for your reply. Food for thought definitely. I’m definitely attracted to the high intensity r/ships. I’m quite a feisty, head strong character in honesty, and what I do really worry about is finding someone I had as much fun and connection with as the ex. I’ve found happiness with people previously yes, but not that amount of desire. Like you say, it’s finding the balance. I have met people who shared my passions but it takes a long time to come across said person! That’s my fear. I do not wish to settle for mediocre & I guess I need to come to terms with that!
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Lulu1

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« Reply #9 on: February 11, 2021, 05:48:41 PM »

you told him that you werent interested and accused him of mind games, and then rapidly changed your mind. he asked you what made you change your mind, and you told him to forget about it. you made an impulsive move, he could sense that, and he did you a kindness in not taking advantage of that. you feel low about it because it was a desperate move, and you see it as a rejection of you, when it was mainly a case of you lowering your standards. focus on that part. he didnt do that part to you. it just stings more because you lowered your standards and then found out he was in a relationship.

I do totally agree with all you say and he probably has done me a favour. I just want to clarify, I told him why I changed my mind. He just didn’t reply; that’s all. I did say that’s ok. Also, it wasn’t desperation IMO. if he thought so it may have helped me to not lower standards. It’s the quick moves on to other people I don’t respect, that’s my thing to get over really! Also, by telling me the truth, I’d rather he had told me he didn’t see a future rather than blaming his diagnosis etc.
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Lulu1

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« Reply #10 on: February 11, 2021, 05:52:15 PM »

i can relate, it was strange feeling. the only thing that changed it most was a few years later actually leaving and staying no contact for several months. What actually does the fear feel like, could you describe it. does it affect you in a sort of terror way of breaking apart, does the attachment already got to that stage?

Thank you for all you’ve said. It’s helped. I think the fear is that a) never being around him. The connection, energy, personality, and actually having to let go of that. Even though we’ve had some months of no contact, he was in my mind lingering. I did date which helped but I couldn’t detach. B) I need to. Really do!
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« Reply #11 on: February 12, 2021, 04:07:22 AM »

Lulu, maybe we are just prone to addication in a sense.

These high intensity relationships have a lot in common with a drug addiction. There is the intermittent reinforcement which heightens the intensity of our feelings. There is the pain of withdrawal, and then of course there is only one thing that can reduce the pain: being together with our PD lovers. And after that there is pain from withdrawal again.

The reward center in our brains goes in overdrive of course, as a consquence.

My sister, who is very smart, sent me a text about someone who is hurting and pining for her lover. It described my feelings perfectly. Then she told me the text was actually an interview with a heroin junkie. All they did was replace "heroin" with "my partner". Striking to realise...

Another of my sister's analogies to drugs was: of course life is infinitely more exciting when you're on cocaine. You feel like PLEASE READ in between, but you can always 'go back for more' and live super intensely. The metaphor is pretty good, don't you think? It's intense, intense highs and intense lows, and the only think that can make you feel better is 'another hit'. But in the end you do feel that in general you are miserable, even though there are the occasional highs, at the cost of your general health.

So there's that. Of course life on cocaine/with your PD partner is more intense and eventful. Of course normal life is more boring. But that doesn't mean that making cocaine/your PD partner into your life goal is a smart thing to do.

Well. That's the rational side. If only the emotions would follow...
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« Reply #12 on: February 12, 2021, 07:52:28 AM »

Lulu what are your thoughts on going back and staying in contact but keeping to his wishes of no emotions just sex?
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« Reply #13 on: February 12, 2021, 12:30:27 PM »

Lulu, maybe we are just prone to addication in a sense...My sister, who is very smart, sent me a text about someone who is hurting and pining for her lover. It described my feelings perfectly. Then she told me the text was actually an interview with a heroin junkie. All they did was replace "heroin" with "my partner". Striking to realise...[/i][/i]

This is SO TRUE. I've been seeing a therapist at a domestic violence shelter. Several months ago, I told her my wife is like cocaine to me. That perspective has helped me to understand my behavior and make better long-term decisions.

By the way, I've been "clean" for several months. It feels great.
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Lulu1

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« Reply #14 on: February 12, 2021, 04:57:07 PM »

Lulu, maybe we are just prone to addication in a sense.

The reward center in our brains goes in overdrive of course, as a consquence.

My sister, who is very smart, sent me a text about someone who is hurting and pining for her lover. It described my feelings perfectly. Then she told me the text was actually an interview with a heroin junkie. All they did was replace "heroin" with "my partner". Striking to realise...

Another of my sister's analogies to drugs was: of course life is infinitely more exciting when you're on cocaine. You feel like PLEASE READ in between, but you can always 'go back for more' and live super intensely. The metaphor is pretty good, don't you think? It's intense, intense highs and intense lows, and the only think that can make you feel better is 'another hit'. But in the end you do feel that in general you are miserable, even though there are the occasional highs, at the cost of your general health.

This is so accurate to how I feel! Your sister is smart. It’s like I just want to go back for one last time, every time.  I know it’s no good but when the opportunity arises, the urge is there. I’m really hoping I come across someone who gives me a feeling of that want but in a ‘safe’ and real way, you know?
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Lulu1

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« Reply #15 on: February 12, 2021, 04:59:53 PM »

This is SO TRUE. I've been seeing a therapist at a domestic violence shelter. Several months ago, I told her my wife is like cocaine to me. That perspective has helped me to understand my behavior and make better long-term decisions.

By the way, I've been "clean" for several months. It feels great.

This is fantastic! Well done. I need to research this perspective
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« Reply #16 on: February 12, 2021, 05:03:43 PM »

Lulu what are your thoughts on going back and staying in contact but keeping to his wishes of no emotions just sex?

Good question! Well he has stopped talking now, no friendship as he’s moved on again- if he came back and wanted the above, I was so back and forth. I didn’t want a r/ship after how he treated me but I felt I still needed something. Have these emotions, care for him. I’d like to say I’m getting strong enough to say no I wouldn’t..
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« Reply #17 on: February 12, 2021, 08:33:55 PM »

I didn’t want a r/ship after how he treated me but I felt I still needed something. Have these emotions, care for him.

Hi Lulu

Interesting to hear and wondering would you say he mostly quite self-reliant type and didnt want or need much help?
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« Reply #18 on: February 13, 2021, 08:54:33 AM »

Hi Lulu

Interesting to hear and wondering would you say he mostly quite self-reliant type and didnt want or need much help?
Ah, if you mean emotional/mh needs; didn’t want the help, not mine anyhow. I think he’s seen a therapist maybe 3 times ?
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« Reply #19 on: February 13, 2021, 12:16:48 PM »

Hi Lulu, yes exactly,

you have strong feelings for him and they are blocked from making a proper electric circuit, sometimes the conduit goes the financial way instead, or giving gifts and so on becomes a substitute for it. sort of a "I cant prove love this way, ill do it that way", its not uncommon but sometimes when still the relationship fails, it can be an added source of grievance. It was for me and we are talking not much money, £60, I make that in 2 hours I felt used at the time or duped (i asked her for many times over a year at least for it back) with just same promises of "tomorrow" type answer. Its not now what I thought back then, its just another way to keep a connection. Harder to abandon when the partner owes money and via versa, I could still chase her forever for this debt if I felt that way, use it as an excuse.

Its worth thinking about I guess, I just wrote it off in a damage limitation way and punish myself, no chocolate bars for a month kind of thing...
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Lulu1

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« Reply #20 on: February 15, 2021, 04:09:30 AM »

Hi Lulu, yes exactly,

you have strong feelings for him and they are blocked from making a proper electric circuit, sometimes the conduit goes the financial way instead, or giving gifts and so on becomes a substitute for it. sort of a "I cant prove love this way, ill do it that way", its not uncommon but sometimes when still the relationship fails, it can be an added source of grievance. It was for me and we are talking not much money, £60, I make that in 2 hours I felt used at the time or duped (i asked her for many times over a year at least for it back) with just same promises of "tomorrow" type answer. Its not now what I thought back then, its just another way to keep a connection. Harder to abandon when the partner owes money and via versa, I could still chase her forever for this debt if I felt that way, use it as an excuse.

Its worth thinking about I guess, I just wrote it off in a damage limitation way and punish myself, no chocolate bars for a month kind of thing...

Actually, this made a lot of sense and the money thing, yep been there! Except, he didn’t care that he never gave back £50 so after a couple of rude texts I thought to not bother. It’s not right at all but it’s less pain for us I guess!
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« Reply #21 on: February 16, 2021, 12:21:01 AM »

Well even on lowest of income someone can put aside a fiver a week. If they want to.

Yes it makes it easier,

With regards to sex and physical beauty comparing guys, whatever he is he is in decay like we all are. In otherwords another sinkhole besides financial and emotional...
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« Reply #22 on: February 20, 2021, 09:19:24 AM »

I agree. I never saw my money again. Or belongings. Ah well. I just can’t stand the using then they get to move on to someone else and make them feel wonderful, then again, and again.. I wish my attraction would cease to be honest!
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« Reply #23 on: February 20, 2021, 12:41:06 PM »

maybe you are still angry with him but its difficult to express, hes a guy, hes taken your belongings, not paid you back money, its not that you arent bothered it is that you tried and it got ignored?

its like putting mute on a song, it still plays the tune, but we control not to hear it at that moment.

I think you are angry with him and a lot of other things, but it is breaking the rest of the image that he cultivates. Good looking, great sex...

sorry I cant remember anything else.
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« Reply #24 on: February 21, 2021, 04:01:23 PM »

I agree. I never saw my money again. Or belongings. Ah well. I just can’t stand the using then they get to move on to someone else and make them feel wonderful, then again, and again.. I wish my attraction would cease to be honest!

You are blocking yourself from allowing anyone better to enter the picture. The mind is a powerful thing. Program it to have the mentality of there are plenty of fish in the ocean...you just haven't hooked your trophy catch yet. In essence think in abundance, not scarcity. You are treating it like this guy is so powerful and he is on a pedestal. That just stunts your growth and prevents you from being happy. Ultimately he is just another human being. Nothing special. I don't care if you think he is special...you have to train yourself to make him as just another person out in the world for your own sanity. How about viewing yourself as one hell of a catch? How about having the open mind that you haven't found the best yet and that this guy is just another stepping stone along your journey to make you better. There are lessons to be learned...you just have to learn them. The most important...you are allowing him to control you essentially. Want better, expect better, do better. I want to see you happier and doing better because being hung up on someone like this that doesn't value you like you want to be valued does suck and it is just such a waste of precious time and effort.

By you allowing him to stay in your thoughts you are telling yourself that is the best you can do. You are saying you cannot do better than him. You are saying you deserve to be treated poorly because you don't view yourself as any better which to be straight to point is total and utter BS! Please do yourself the service of telling this person to kick rocks! Want a real man? Want a real awesome person in your life? Then start putting that energy out there and it will come back to you eventually. That isn't bs. You get back what you project. Radiate confidence and self respect and the disordered people and lower value people will steer clear of you. Also remember high value men don't want to deal with feeling like they are second best and they do not want to feel like you are still hung up on someone else. Put yourself in their shoes and perhaps that will make the light turn on for you and you can get past this mess.

I sincerely wish you the best moving forward and want to see you do better!

Cheers!

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