Please help with estranged spouse who has turned on me

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Please help!

Please help

[Helpme2020]

Please help!

Please help

[kells76]

Hi Helpme2020, welcome to the group 

What's going on for you?

Let us know how we can be supportive.

Cheers;

kells76

[Helpme2020]

I don’t know why my post didn’t appear, I wrote out a whole long one. I was blindsided months ago when I discovered that my spouse of 16 years cheated on me with an employee. I soon learned that he is a compulsive liar, has many traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder and is closeted bisexual (possibly homosexual). He has been diagnosed Bipolar and refuses to take any medication.

He has begun splitting and raging at me. The children are terrified of him (he has been an absentee father their entire lives) and ran away crying after he screeched obscenities at me. Estranged spouse refuses to take any responsibility for his role in destroying the marriage. It makes me absolutely livid! Now he has drained the bank account so I have to ask him for money, like a beggar.

He refuses to leave our home, refuses to sell our home, refuses to sign any separation agreement and refuses mediation. I don’t know what to do. I am so shocked, angry, hurt and horrified that this is my life and my whole marriage has been a lie. HELP?

[CoherentMoose]

Yikes!

Sounds to me you need to find a safe place while you work your plans going forward.  Has there been any physical violence, or threatened physical violence in the past?  Do you have any friends or family that can help?  How about DV shelters?  My GF researched those as a part of a safety plan and they are out there.  Sometimes they are hard to get in to, but they are there.  Fortunately for my gF, her mother was able to secure shelter for her when the time came to depart from her xBPDH. 

First order of business is to find safe and secure shelter with the means to provide living basics, and then obtain legal help.  Good luck.  CoMo

[ForeverDad]

Boundaries are important.  For years I was so frustrated, my then-spouse ignored and bulldozed the boundaries I set for her.    It was here I learned of effective boundaries.  Sadly, the implementation of them still left us heading toward the end of our relationship.  We had one child, a preschooler then (and now an adult) and the court order (as it morphed over the years) was a way to enforce at least minimal boundaries.

Your spouse won't agree to things, or later violates them?  Family court is The Real Authority.  Just so sad that getting that to happen means the marriage is over.

[ForeverDad]

How have things been lately?  Do you have an update on what your concerns are?  Peer support is here, just ask...