My ex behaved in ways that confused me. Could it be BPD?

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Hey all,

I broke up with my ex a few weeks back and she moved out 13/02/21. Since she has been gone I have been feeling up and down. Mostly though I feel much more relaxed and that a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. We met late July 2019.

I loved her a lot and did my best but I was felt nothing was ever good enough. When she was sweet and kind she was amazing and also very affectionate but the amount of red flags by the end was beyond words.

I will list below everything I can remember that she did that hurt and/or confused me. This all happened over the time I met her to the time we broke up.

During our second date I got a dating app notification which was just a generic notification. After she saw it she went all quiet and got the bus home. The next day she deleted me on Facebook and said that if I am dating her I cannot date other people at the same time. I wasn't dating other people.

Not long into the relationship she said she loved me and would refer to me as her soulmate.

We went out for the day once and then the next day she would not talk to me because she decided I wasn't the one. Then she calmed down and said she loved me.

She once called me to say it was over and I said ok. 10 minutes later she calls to tell me she misses me and loves me.

She would fold her arms and raise her eyebrows and curl her lip if I didn't do what she asked me to do straightaway. She would make noises like an upset toddler. For example if she asked for a massage and I didn't do it straight away she would act like what I just described above. Maybe it was just joking but it happened a lot.

She said she was going to leave all the gifts I had got her at a pub we used to hangout at and I would have to collect them. Met up with her and she then started being sweet again.

She once text me saying she was pregnant and that she was crying and would have to have the baby in Spain where her family are. I got through on the phone and she said it was a joke and she was out shopping. When I got mad about it she said I have no sense of humour.

We once went for a drink and she had got it in her head the bartender fancied me. When we went there the following week the bartender got her order wrong and spoke to me for like a minute about the weather. My girlfriend then stopped talking to me and said it was my fault the order was wrong. She also said I had spoken to this woman to upset her.

We moved in together back in July 2020 because her dad got cancer and he had to go back to Spain. While I was at work she hacked into my old phone behind my back and saw banter between me and two female friends. She used that against me all the time saying I can't be trusted and can't see how hacking my phone was breaching trust.

I once said I might start doing the occasional night shift at work for more money when she starts working. She said I just don't want to spend time with her and she started ignoring me. She then installed a dating app the same evening because to her we had "broken up."

I saw two people from my past with whom I didn't want to interact with while I was walking with my girlfriend. I then moved off the path to get away from them. She asked who they were and I told her. She then got in a mood saying I am hiding things.

She asked about my previous relationships once. I told her about them and in arguments she would bring them up and say I deserved the way I was treated before.

One time she brought up things from the past like what she found on my phone when she hacked it behind my back and the barmaid incident. It turned in to the usual having to explain and defend myself and then she freaked out when I told her I make rude jokes at work sometimes. She started crying and shouting and telling me I am dead to her. She packed three bags of clothes and threatened to leave. She eventually calmed down and was sweet again.

She once spent an hour belittling me and saying she wanted to leave. I had enough and said "ok start packing your stuff then." She then started crying and saying I was kicking her out. Even now she says I kicked her out even though she wanted to leave. I have said she can stay with me until she finds somewhere but insists I am kicking her out. She packed to leave multiple times but never did go until recently.

She once started asking to look through my Facebook and I said no. She then said if I didn't let her she would leave. The reasoning was she showed me a video on her phone once and as she was closing Facebook I saw a dating app. I asked to see it because it was clearly dodgy. She then said I had demanded to look so she could now look through my phone too.

She would accuse me of treating her like s*** and say I am the worst. That would happen when we would argue and then it would go back to her saying she loves me, misses me and needs me.

She once was expecting a phone call and it didn't come. She said it was because of my negativity the call never came. Also she once said she would not sleep with me anymore because I transfer my negative energies to her when we sleep together. A couple of days later her contactless card payment didn't work at the train station. She blamed me for that. I wasn't even at the station at the time.

She says all arguments are my fault because I try to talk to her when she doesn't want to talk. I have tried explaining that communication is important in a relationship and she said no we can only talk when she is ready.

She won't accept responsibility for the break down of the relationship with her lack of trust in me, bizarre behaviours, insecurities etc and says it is because I shout at her and "treat her like s***."

I paid for everything and provided her with a roof over her head and food. When I mention that to counter her thing about me treating her badly she accuses me of showing off and being distasteful.

During an argument once she threatened to break my stuff and smash a plate over my head and punch me in the face. Then later she said I was being domestically violent because I shouted at her.

I did a night shift last month and she accused me of actually being out having sex with my female friends. Ever since hacking my phone while I was at work she would hold it against me the banter I had with them.

I felt very drained most of the time and that I was walking on eggshells. Anything that went wrong I got the blame.

I got a lot of criticism from her about the way I am. When we argued she made sure to talk louder than me and then she proceeds to insult me.

She accused me many times of being domestically abusive. Her reasoning being that I shouted at her sometimes. She would berate and belittle me and bring up the past and use it against me. I would try and defend and explain myself until I lost my temper. After I lost my temper she would make the argument about that and then say I was abusive.

She did some background research on me and then started using my past against me. She lied about who she got the info from. First it was my ex, then a friend, then me, then my brother and finally she said it was my mum. My mum has never spoke to her on the phone.

She would annoy me and then record me when I was angry and then play the recordings back to me. She has told me she has report me for domestic abuse but I have heard nothing from the police and she said those recordings could make me lose my job.

She would say sometimes that she could easily find another guy and criticise me for how I look. Then later she would call me handsome again.

I know I shouldn't of shouted but I always felt fed up defending myself against allegations of cheating and lying and hiding things when I never did any of those things.

She demanded I pay for her plane ticket back to Spain and after I paid for it she never took the flight and never refunded me. She told me if I didn't pay she would make my life difficult.

Many times she packed her stuff and said she was going and then when I would say ok pack your stuff it suddenly became I am kicking her out.

Sorry for the long post. That is all I can remember for now. I will add more if I remember more.

Thank you.

[MrWobblytickle]

Hey all,

I broke up with my ex a few weeks back and she moved out 13/02/21. Since she has been gone I have been feeling up and down. Mostly though I feel much more relaxed and that a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. We met late July 2019.

I loved her a lot and did my best but I was felt nothing was ever good enough. When she was sweet and kind she was amazing and also very affectionate but the amount of red flags by the end was beyond words.

I will list below everything I can remember that she did that hurt and/or confused me. This all happened over the time I met her to the time we broke up.

During our second date I got a dating app notification which was just a generic notification. After she saw it she went all quiet and got the bus home. The next day she deleted me on Facebook and said that if I am dating her I cannot date other people at the same time. I wasn't dating other people.

Not long into the relationship she said she loved me and would refer to me as her soulmate.

We went out for the day once and then the next day she would not talk to me because she decided I wasn't the one. Then she calmed down and said she loved me.

She once called me to say it was over and I said ok. 10 minutes later she calls to tell me she misses me and loves me.

She would fold her arms and raise her eyebrows and curl her lip if I didn't do what she asked me to do straightaway. She would make noises like an upset toddler. For example if she asked for a massage and I didn't do it straight away she would act like what I just described above. Maybe it was just joking but it happened a lot.

She said she was going to leave all the gifts I had got her at a pub we used to hangout at and I would have to collect them. Met up with her and she then started being sweet again.

She once text me saying she was pregnant and that she was crying and would have to have the baby in Spain where her family are. I got through on the phone and she said it was a joke and she was out shopping. When I got mad about it she said I have no sense of humour.

We once went for a drink and she had got it in her head the bartender fancied me. When we went there the following week the bartender got her order wrong and spoke to me for like a minute about the weather. My girlfriend then stopped talking to me and said it was my fault the order was wrong. She also said I had spoken to this woman to upset her.

We moved in together back in July 2020 because her dad got cancer and he had to go back to Spain. While I was at work she hacked into my old phone behind my back and saw banter between me and two female friends. She used that against me all the time saying I can't be trusted and can't see how hacking my phone was breaching trust.

I once said I might start doing the occasional night shift at work for more money when she starts working. She said I just don't want to spend time with her and she started ignoring me. She then installed a dating app the same evening because to her we had "broken up."

I saw two people from my past with whom I didn't want to interact with while I was walking with my girlfriend. I then moved off the path to get away from them. She asked who they were and I told her. She then got in a mood saying I am hiding things.

She asked about my previous relationships once. I told her about them and in arguments she would bring them up and say I deserved the way I was treated before.

One time she brought up things from the past like what she found on my phone when she hacked it behind my back and the barmaid incident. It turned in to the usual having to explain and defend myself and then she freaked out when I told her I make rude jokes at work sometimes. She started crying and shouting and telling me I am dead to her. She packed three bags of clothes and threatened to leave. She eventually calmed down and was sweet again.

She once spent an hour belittling me and saying she wanted to leave. I had enough and said "ok start packing your stuff then." She then started crying and saying I was kicking her out. Even now she says I kicked her out even though she wanted to leave. I have said she can stay with me until she finds somewhere but insists I am kicking her out. She packed to leave multiple times but never did go until recently.

She once started asking to look through my Facebook and I said no. She then said if I didn't let her she would leave. The reasoning was she showed me a video on her phone once and as she was closing Facebook I saw a dating app. I asked to see it because it was clearly dodgy. She then said I had demanded to look so she could now look through my phone too.

She would accuse me of treating her like s*** and say I am the worst. That would happen when we would argue and then it would go back to her saying she loves me, misses me and needs me.

She once was expecting a phone call and it didn't come. She said it was because of my negativity the call never came. Also she once said she would not sleep with me anymore because I transfer my negative energies to her when we sleep together. A couple of days later her contactless card payment didn't work at the train station. She blamed me for that. I wasn't even at the station at the time.

She says all arguments are my fault because I try to talk to her when she doesn't want to talk. I have tried explaining that communication is important in a relationship and she said no we can only talk when she is ready.

She won't accept responsibility for the break down of the relationship with her lack of trust in me, bizarre behaviours, insecurities etc and says it is because I shout at her and "treat her like s***."

I paid for everything and provided her with a roof over her head and food. When I mention that to counter her thing about me treating her badly she accuses me of showing off and being distasteful.

During an argument once she threatened to break my stuff and smash a plate over my head and punch me in the face. Then later she said I was being domestically violent because I shouted at her.

I did a night shift last month and she accused me of actually being out having sex with my female friends. Ever since hacking my phone while I was at work she would hold it against me the banter I had with them.

I felt very drained most of the time and that I was walking on eggshells. Anything that went wrong I got the blame.

I got a lot of criticism from her about the way I am. When we argued she made sure to talk louder than me and then she proceeds to insult me.

She accused me many times of being domestically abusive. Her reasoning being that I shouted at her sometimes. She would berate and belittle me and bring up the past and use it against me. I would try and defend and explain myself until I lost my temper. After I lost my temper she would make the argument about that and then say I was abusive.

She did some background research on me and then started using my past against me. She lied about who she got the info from. First it was my ex, then a friend, then me, then my brother and finally she said it was my mum. My mum has never spoke to her on the phone.

She would annoy me and then record me when I was angry and then play the recordings back to me. She has told me she has report me for domestic abuse but I have heard nothing from the police and she said those recordings could make me lose my job.

She would say sometimes that she could easily find another guy and criticise me for how I look. Then later she would call me handsome again.

I know I shouldn't of shouted but I always felt fed up defending myself against allegations of cheating and lying and hiding things when I never did any of those things.

She demanded I pay for her plane ticket back to Spain and after I paid for it she never took the flight and never refunded me. She told me if I didn't pay she would make my life difficult.

Many times she packed her stuff and said she was going and then when I would say ok pack your stuff it suddenly became I am kicking her out.

Sorry for the long post. That is all I can remember for now. I will add more if I remember more.

Thank you.

[once removed]

its hard to love and live with someone with bpd traits. they can be really critical people, and it can really take a toll on the self esteem.

it sounds like she had really, really dysfunctional ways of trying to get her needs met, get your attention, etc.

you mentioned youre feeling more relaxed. how are you holding up?