But Now What Do I DO?

[izzitme]

Hey All!

So yesterday I posted a victory speech about a huge dynamic shift for me with my unBPD husband. I usually take all the blame and let him attack me and I didn't do that this time. I told him I expected an apology. Last night he told me he will not be bullied into an apology and he won't feel sorry for something he doesn't feel sorry for. He feels justified in throwing the remote because I was being indecisive about going food shopping and this frustrated him. So what do I do now? He is incapable of seeing his role in any strife and I always end up taking his wrath to keep the peace. I refuse to do that this time, but he won't listen to my side ever and bullies me into admitting I am "the bad one and the abusive one". I cannot do this anymore. I cannot allow attacks on my character. I am going to another city on Friday and having major surgery and I don't want to go with this hanging between us but there is no end other than him attacking me and me taking all the blame. Maybe I can reaffirm that I love him and am committed to our relationship but I want better for us than the dynamic we have been in? But that just opens the door for him to blame the whole dynamic on me. Ugh, help!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rev]

Hey All!

 I refuse to do that this time, AND he won't listen to my side ever and bullies me into admitting I am "the bad one and the abusive one". I cannot do this anymore. I cannot allow attacks on my character. I am going to another city on Friday and having major surgery and I don't want to go with this hanging between us AND there is no end other than him attacking me and me taking all the blame. Maybe I can reaffirm that I love him and am committed to our relationship but I want better for us than the dynamic we have been in? AND that just opens the door for him to blame the whole dynamic on me. Ugh, help!

Hi there Izzit... boy does your story sound like mine.

Here's a little insight from my experience. If you are going to effect any kind of change (notice the difference between "effect" and "make"?) then you are going to need to dig in, stay calm, and not J.A.D. E.   

Here's another little insight for you to have some fun with. That's a really powerful paragraph that you wrote - and see how I changed the "but" for "and" in each sentence. What do you notice when you read the sentences now?

In the meantime, hang in there. This can be really tough.  pwBPD are notorious for not apologizing unless they have regrets, which becomes a vicious cycle - just like you state - because the only way a pwBPD can truly protect their inner child is to be constantly on the offensive.

Hoping your surgery goes well.

Hope this makes sense.

Rev

[izzitme]

Thank you Rev,

The "ands" that you added makes sense and I looked up JADE and that was extremely helpful. I am just so sad that I accepted the dynamic of being "the bad one" and to blame for everything in the relationship. I am viewed as a subordinate, not an equal. With my newfound self-compassion and raised sense of self-worth, I am seeing this dynamic clearly. Moving forward is where I am going to need a lot of help with.

[Rev]

Thank you Rev,

The "ands" that you added makes sense and I looked up JADE and that was extremely helpful. I am just so sad that I accepted the dynamic of being "the bad one" and to blame for everything in the relationship. I am viewed as a subordinate, not an equal. With my newfound self-compassion and raised sense of self-worth, I am seeing this dynamic clearly. Moving forward is where I am going to need a lot of help with.

Great... and there is a lot of self awareness is what you write here too.  It is really hard not to get hooked.  The sadness that we all feel when reality hits us is part of the getting hooked. Hold on to that voice of self compassion sister. You're going to need it by what you write here.

Promise my something - okay?  If things get abusive, there's no shame in sharing that too. No one here is going to judge you - not even for two seconds. 

So I'm not going to say more, except to say, reach out when you need to - ask any questions you feel you want to.

Hang in there. It may not get easier in the short term, but it will become clearer.

Peace for your soul.

Rev

[I Am Redeemed]

If your boundary is "I will not be bullied", then do not allow YOURSELF to be bullied.

You cannot change or control what he does. But if he tries to bully, you can respond within yourself.

You may not be able to resolve this or change his perspective to keep this from "hanging between you". That does not depend on you alone. It depends upon the extent to which he is willing to look at his own behavior. It would seem that his capacity to do so is not much.

You know your truth. He threw the remote in frustration because you were indecisive due to your physical illness. Does this reflect on you or him? Can you control physical symptoms? Can someone control emotional symptoms?

Do not let your identity be defined by someone else, particularly a disordered person.

It may be very lonely and sad but hold your boundary. He is not willing to do what he demands you do.

Keep your head up, take the focus off him and his behavior and onto you and what you need to do to prepare yourself for surgery- with or without his support. The truth is that you are strong and you can make it through whether he apologizes or not, whether he supports you or not. Would it be much better with his support? Probably. Is it necessary? No. You have strength and you will be okay. We will be your support.