Suicidality

[JadedEmpath]

I have been with my BPD SO for about 8 years now. In that time I have also obtained a degree in psychology, read books about BPD, and read many forums that have be invaluable to me. I am at the point where I am pretty good at separating myself from the rages and splitting and disassociation. I can usually see them for what they are, and don’t let them hurt me personally. Its still a daily journey, and I still have to keep my own emotions in check.

My SO has made some progress with his behavioral symptoms over the years, probably in that the push/pull tactics don’t have the intended emotional responses from me like they used to--many of them have slowly tapered off. For the most part, this is good. Boundaries have worked in many ways. At the same time, though, I am realizing that many of the intolerable behaviors that are becoming less and less, were his (unhealthy, but still) coping mechanisms. The more insight he has of his own behavior, the less distraction he has from the trauma and pain that caused his brain to develop that way in the first place.
 
He hasn’t talked about suicidal thinking in years, but a few weeks ago he called me while I was at work (I live at work for my job, 9am Friday-3pm Sundays) dangerously drunk with a plan to kill himself. He didn’t do it. I kept him on the phone and listened as my heart broke for over and hour, and then he fell asleep. But this really shook me up. Is this how he really feels all the time deep down? He is impulsive and often miserable. He really struggles in so many ways emotionally. Now that he is trying so hard not to act out in hurtful ways, he is doing other strange things, like trying to just hold it all in until his body is just shaking, like really concerning stuff.

What if he does attempt suicide one weekend while I am at work? I don’t know what to do for him. He is deeply depressed, and I can’t get him to seek help at this time. He has a tendency for paranoid thinking, so its hard to support him. Generally we have moved past distrust of me, but he needs other supports outside of me. He has people around him who are very supportive and loving and nonjudgmental—they are there for him—but he is paranoid of them when he really needs them most. I am not sure what I am looking for, maybe someone who has been through this part of the struggle and has come out on the other side?

Thanks for reading y’all.

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[once removed]

boy, oh boy, do i feel ya. what a rock and a hard place.

marsha linehan once told a client that while she would provide the upmost support, she couldnt prevent her (the client) from committing suicide. its advice that is more cold and clinical than i would tend to prefer to offer, but it is part of the reality of loving a difficult and troubled person. you may see marked and dramatic improvement, but they will, likely, always struggle.

having said that, getting  faced and calling someone up, with depressive or even suicidal thoughts, isnt uncommon for someone who struggles; its not even unheard of for someone who doesnt have bpd.

and i dont say that to downplay what he said or what you experienced. it sounds like you handled it brilliantly. im saying it can be difficult to distinguish from the struggles our loved ones have, have had, and will have, and a person who struggles and is on a really bad drunk.

and really none of that speaks to the fact that a suicidal threat is a cry for help, and a bad drunk doesnt diminish that; it is, in itself, a cry for help.

the easiest thing is to talk to him about your concerns. how to do that is not necessarily as clear and very much depends on your relationship. has anything been said about it between the two of you since?

it might be a good idea for the two of you to come up with a plan when (if) these things happen. it might be a good idea, to the extent you are able, to discuss how you feel when these things happen (tread lightly, obviously. you want to be able to communicate, you dont want him to walk away with the impression that he shouldnt share when hes struggling).

[JadedEmpath]

@onceremoved: Thanks for the reply. I have talked to him about it. He is really depressed right now. Having trouble getting out of bed in the morning, sleeping all day when he is off work/school. I don't get far before he is unresponsive. I keep reminding him that I love him and he is valuable and that I don't want to lose him. He knows how it makes me feel. Yesterday he pulled out of it for a couple of hours and apologized (just in general i guess, and i was quick to tell him he didn't need to apologize to me), but he still doesn't want to get help. I also think a plan is a good idea, i'd like to do a WRAP plan with him, but hes just not in a place to do it. 1.) when he is depressed, he just disassociates/ becomes irresponsive 2.) when hes "up" he is is not mood to talk about something like that, hes "above it" 3.) the sort of plans that would be most thorough would have to include other people anyway, and his pride + paranoia gets in the way of that. I feel really stuck. We are going to have some big life changes coming up with fall (me going back to school, him moving away from me for an internship, us selling our house) and I am very anxious about how he will handle that level of stress when he is already struggling so much..