Child's Mental State ---HELP

[MsCamper]

 

I have made the decision to leave my relationship. After guidance from my personal therapist and some additional assistance from my marriage counselor, I have drafted a letter to be left on what was to be this afternoon. This decision was made to minimize the conflict and potential explosion based upon my decision. Over the weekend my husband exploded on his daughter because she was not hitting the tennis ball correctly. Insert large sigh here...it was her first time to ever pick up a racket and only her third swing when he became so agitated. His son and I were able to suspend the situation by talking her into playing basketball with the son for a bit. The son spent part of this time giving his sister a pep talk then came to talk to me afterwards. The daughter is feeling worthless and unloved. She has started talking about harming herself. I have known her feelings of being worthless and we have talked about it often, nearly every weekend they are home with us. This is the first I have heard of her wanting to hurt herself. I spoke with her alone and she started talking about her therapy sessions with me explaining how they have told her that her anxiety and depression is the result of her father's behavior about her. I do not think I can tell her father this as any time I have tried to tell him how he makes his kids feel has turned into my error. It does not result in anything positive for the kids but only more anger from him. I am also not friends with his ex-wife. We get along okay but just a general ex vs new wife relationship.

I am going to hold off on leaving today as the kids will be here for a portion of the afternoon. I do not want his daughter to have a single shred of thought that the relationship ending has anything to do with her. I also do not want him to think that as well.

Questions:

Any advise on how to talk to his daughter, without telling her I am leaving before I tell her day, to ensure she knows that my decisions are not a result of my feelings or relationship with her?

She has a therapist, and I am hopeful that she has discussed the thoughts on hurting herself, but I am not sure. Do I say something to her mom? Do I keep quiet? I am not looking to create more conflict in my life by stirring the pot in reaching out to his ex wife but at the same time I am truly concerned about her.

[kells76]

You're a truly caring person to put a child's needs in the front of your mind as you exit your relationship. I'm touched by your consideration for her and your accurate recognition that you're a capable adult and she's just a kid in all of this.

Can you remind me how old his son and daughter are, and how often they're with him vs with their mom?

Any advise on how to talk to his daughter, without telling her I am leaving before I tell her day, to ensure she knows that my decisions are not a result of my feelings or relationship with her?

The specifics may depend on her age. My gut feeling is that you are as straightforward as possible: "My dear, I want you to know this as clearly as possible -- you're an incredible kid, and you're so worthy of love and care. Even though I'm not going to be married to your dad any more, I want you to know that that decision was only between me and him, and has nothing to do with how wonderful you are or anything you did or didn't do. I hope that no matter what happens, you can hold on to that and know that you are so special and valuable just for who you are."

Or something that is true to you, and also just straightforward -- "It's not your fault, and I hope that if you ever find yourself thinking that, you can tell yourself strongly that it isn't true, because it's not".

She has a therapist, and I am hopeful that she has discussed the thoughts on hurting herself, but I am not sure. Do I say something to her mom? Do I keep quiet? I am not looking to create more conflict in my life by stirring the pot in reaching out to his ex wife but at the same time I am truly concerned about her.

I'm guessing that Mom is in touch with the therapist? Can you reach out to both at the same time, maybe a cc'd email?

I get the "wondering if/how to intervene" question. A few years ago SD15 (then 12 or 13) was telling DH and I story about a "weird kid" at school who was saying stuff like "something big is going to happen on Monday at school". SD then commented something like "I'm not sure I want to go to school on Monday". I'm just the stepmom but after thinking about it for a couple of hours I did email the school and titled my email "safety concern". It ended up being a dumb kid trying to hype a song he'd written, but you only know as much as you know, and sometimes for safety you do need to "overcommunicate" and then let the professionals sort it out.

I would err on the side of telling Mom and the counselor, and just be super straightforward about it: "Here's the situation, here's why I'm concerned, as much as I didn't want to overstep my role, I know we all care about Daughter, so as I transition away from being in her life, I want her to be cared for and I want you both to know what I know. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me at any time for any information you need. I wish her the best in your caring hands"

I don't see it as stirring the pot. I would think that the T would appreciate the info (kids don't always disclose everything in sessions) and would hope that Mom would be grateful for your concern.

Hugs as you go through this change in your life 

kells76

[Skip]

What does leaving mean?

Is it temporary and a hope to get his attention?
Do you have a place to live?
Do you have an attorney?
Are you filing for divorce?

What are you saying in your note?

[MsCamper]

Additional details: The child is 15. He has custody every other weekend.

Skip: I am going to proceed with divorce. I am not leaving the dwelling. The home was mine prior to the marriage and we have only been married a very short time. I will be asking him to leave the home.
The letter is just a paragraph explaining that I have made the decision to end the relationship. I share in it that we have both made attempts to bridge the gap between us but at this time I do not feel that we are able to fulfill what each of us need in the marriage.  
We have only been married a short period, 4 months, and have no shared assets. I am hoping he is willing to do a non-contested divorce so we do not have to spend money on an attorney. I would like to retain what I brought into the marriage and him the same. If that is not agreeable then I will seek legal counsel.

[ForeverDad]

My gut feeling is that you are as straightforward as possible: "My dear, I want you to know this as clearly as possible — you're an incredible kid, and you're so worthy of love and care. Even though I'm not going to be married to your dad any more, I want you to know that that decision was only between me and him, and has nothing to do with how wonderful you are or anything you did or didn't do. I hope that no matter what happens, you can hold on to that and know that you are so special and valuable just for who you are."

There are a couple aspects of which we may not be aware.  (1) Such encourage needs to be repeated.  It's so easy for a one-time encouragement to be overwhelmed when she sees her disordered parent every couple weeks.  (2)  Kids often feel that they're the cause of the adult problems.  Probably you're limited in what you can do to help her to accept that her father's treatment of her or others is not her fault.  But stress to her that her father's failed marriage with her mother or you are no reflection on her.  Help her to stay out of the middle.  You're rooting for her to enjoy her youth.  All too soon she'll be grown.

I would like to retain what I brought into the marriage and him the same. If that is not agreeable then I will seek legal counsel.

It would be a good idea to seek some legal advice even at this early time.  Consultations are inexpensive and sometimes even free.  Good lawyers knows that not every person walking in the door will be a client.  Experienced lawyers would know that even simple attempts can go sideways and "have your back" by providing some basic legal perspectives and how to avoid being pressured into improper concessions.

[formflier]

I'm going to agree with others that at least a legal consultation is a wise move, prior to initiating any action.

With regards to what the daughter thinks.  Less is more, be direct and also realize that people will think what they think.

Do you think divorce will come as a surprise to your hubby?

Best,

FF

[MsCamper]

Thank you all for the advise.

I am hopeful this action does not come as a surprise. In truth, I am hopeful that his ever growing distance is his way of saying he wants this as well but does not have the strength to take action first.

I have found an attorney and requested a consultation to discuss.