Hello
It is good to find this site. I am thankful.
I have been on this journey my whole life really. My mother was an undiagnosed BPD, as is my sister. My daughter was diagnosed nearing 3 years ago. We have made great gains in that time including MENNINGER’s Residential Treatment Facility, learning DBT, gaining from individual therapists, making gains as a family and even teaching skills to others beginning their journey. We have utilized the time since my daughters diagnosis thoughtfully.
I am at a new place with of the changes that have occurred in our lives. My pain comes from my own past issues and patterns. Another issue is accepting that while my daughter is making great gains she is very different than the rest of our family. There is a roughness to my beauty that was not present before as noticeably. While I have radically accepted my daughter as she is — seeing her change into a harsher version of herself before my eyes is heartbreaking. Perhaps I need to go backward to grieve the changes I currently see and accept that the revised hopes I had may be JUST MINE.
The road is long and complex and I am able to embrace the journey with my family at my side!
Grateful to find you — Mama Goose
Well said. I understand. I grieve the daughter I once had too. She's my only child. Sometimes I'm just so sad about it. I get glimpses of who she used to be, and the last time she before she asked to be hospitalized (which yes, was really good that she admitted she needed help), she had an awareness...she said, "I know I'm awful to you, and I treat you like you're the worst mother, when you're the best mother," ...I have hold on to that. I see it sometimes like a window opening and and closing...sometimes she is aware of how she is, other times she isn't and is hurtful without empathy.
I don't know what to tell you ...I do know that I'm working on radical acceptance too. At one point I thought I was there, and then she was just awful/hurtful to me, and it was the first time she cursed at me. All the other times she just went silent. Ironically, I think this has led to her self-harming less...but it's hard to be happy about that...I'm grateful she's not cutting. But if the result is that she's cursing, angry and accuses me of causing her mental illness, and rewrites the past with me suddenly the villain - if she gets disappointed about something...it's hard to just take that when it randomly happens.
I don't know how you and I can prevent ourselves from grieving...maybe the acceptance gets better and a little easier with time? I hope so.
