If we're not sisters, what are we?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I’ve been dealing with some residual anxiety that I can’t seem to shake around a family member whom I suspect may have BPD. Her current diagnosis is cPTSD and a bunch of other neurological diagnoses, either self-diagnosed or maybe medical.

I met my brother-in-law’s soon-to-be wife just last winter when we visited them (they live out of state from me) and I felt like I was swooped up into her inner circle immediately. Because of past friendships/relationships with folks who exude similar behaviors (very charismatic and instant adoration), I have been fairly guarded to trust her expressions of love and gratitude towards me for fear of manipulation. During our visit, it seemed like we were witnessing her “show.” She was loud, excited, immediately shared some intimate things, and bounced from joy to tears to anger with a 100% emotional force in the same conversation over and over.

For the past year, shortly after we met, she would text me “thinking about you” or call me to catch up as if we were best of friends. It stressed me out how quickly we went from just meeting to talking once or twice a week, but we do have common interests and I was willing to give the friendship a try. When our conversations were good, they were really good, but when they weren’t they were really bad. Overall it’s been mostly good than bad, but very few in between.

Fast-forward to a year later: I experienced a fairly serious health concern that eventually led me to need surgery this past March. In the days leading up to various doctors’ visits, I feel like I made the mistake of asking for her support to help me manage the pain (she’s trained in bodywork/pain management). She helped me a ton, but then it got to the point of frequent contact and long conversations that I was beginning to feel like she was nitpicking every aspect of how I live my life to the point it made me doubt my ability to care for myself.

While I was dealing with my own health concerns, my husband developed a stress-induced health issue himself (pandemic life is rough!). Between him and my issues, we were both feeling overwhelmed.

Leading up to my surgery I recognized that the amount of contact I was getting from her was stressing me more than helping me and I needed some space. I ended up sending her a message to our group chat with my husband and BIL indicating that we were overwhelmed with preparing for my surgery and will be spending that weekend getting what we need in order and “if you want to talk, please direct any contact to [husband]” so that I could make the choice as to whether I was up to or able to call back.

She acknowledged the message, but the calls/texts didn’t really stop. She didn’t call for only one day. After that, I got a call that Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and texts on Tuesday or when I texted her that I was preoccupied. It stressed me out and made me feel like my request wasn’t respected at all.

This eventually came down to my husband sending her a message that our “request still stands,” that she’s overwhelming me and we are still overwhelmed by our own struggles at the moment, but if she wants to reach out he’s available. She immediately responded saying that she “misunderstood and would leave [me] be.” She didn't reach out to him or me after that.

I eventually called her at the end of my 2-week recovery and we talked about it and it seemed like all was well. She indicated to me that she thought I meant no calls for the weekend, not the week of surgery. The conversation felt really good and I felt like she respected me and we were able to come to an understanding. Honestly, it felt like the friendship I’ve been wanting with her. About a week later, she posted a Facebook status about a week after we had talked saying she’s “less likely to do distanced communication as the weather warms up.” Since I initiated our last conversation to clear things up, she hasn’t called or texted me once.

Going from her and I talking once or twice a week for a little over a year to almost dead silence feels like I’ve been buttered up by her expressive adoration and gratitude just to be dumped out on the street because I asked for a bit of space around my surgery recovery. I feel like it’s my fault for either not being so specific about the timeframe for which I needed space, but also because I know (from her and I talking) that it caused her to feel devastated, which involved my BIL talking her through how different people need different things.

Overall, she’s still commenting/liking things I post on fb. She’s shared a couple of funny superficial comics or articles in our message chats, but contact has gone WAY down than it was before. I’ve been stewing in my own anxiety about it for weeks. I’ve talked to my own therapist about it on multiple occasions, but I just can’t seem to shake the fear that I’ve been dumped out by her so easily and so quickly.

In the past, when I’ve encountered people with or suspected of having BPD/NPD, I’ve eventually had to cut ties with those people to find relief. I don’t want to do that here, but I also feel like I don’t have a choice. She’s essentially family and my husband’s closest/best friend sibling’s significant other. I will be seeing her again and we will have contact. I just don’t know how to shake this resurfaced trauma of feeling like even if I do care or have expressed care in the past, it’s not enough especially when I need space. There are probably real reasons beyond me and her that have led her to not talking as much, but to go from 0 to 60 back to almost 0 again does not feel great.

[jumpingtothunder]

I’ve been dealing with some residual anxiety that I can’t seem to shake around a family member whom I suspect may have BPD. Her current diagnosis is cPTSD and a bunch of other neurological diagnoses, either self-diagnosed or maybe medical.

I met my brother-in-law’s soon-to-be wife just last winter when we visited them (they live out of state from me) and I felt like I was swooped up into her inner circle immediately. Because of past friendships/relationships with folks who exude similar behaviors (very charismatic and instant adoration), I have been fairly guarded to trust her expressions of love and gratitude towards me for fear of manipulation. During our visit, it seemed like we were witnessing her “show.” She was loud, excited, immediately shared some intimate things, and bounced from joy to tears to anger with a 100% emotional force in the same conversation over and over.

For the past year, shortly after we met, she would text me “thinking about you” or call me to catch up as if we were best of friends. It stressed me out how quickly we went from just meeting to talking once or twice a week, but we do have common interests and I was willing to give the friendship a try. When our conversations were good, they were really good, but when they weren’t they were really bad. Overall it’s been mostly good than bad, but very few in between.

Fast-forward to a year later: I experienced a fairly serious health concern that eventually led me to need surgery this past March. In the days leading up to various doctors’ visits, I feel like I made the mistake of asking for her support to help me manage the pain (she’s trained in bodywork/pain management). She helped me a ton, but then it got to the point of frequent contact and long conversations that I was beginning to feel like she was nitpicking every aspect of how I live my life to the point it made me doubt my ability to care for myself.

While I was dealing with my own health concerns, my husband developed a stress-induced health issue himself (pandemic life is rough!). Between him and my issues, we were both feeling overwhelmed.

Leading up to my surgery I recognized that the amount of contact I was getting from her was stressing me more than helping me and I needed some space. I ended up sending her a message to our group chat with my husband and BIL indicating that we were overwhelmed with preparing for my surgery and will be spending that weekend getting what we need in order and “if you want to talk, please direct any contact to [husband]” so that I could make the choice as to whether I was up to or able to call back.

She acknowledged the message, but the calls/texts didn’t really stop. She didn’t call for only one day. After that, I got a call that Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and texts on Tuesday or when I texted her that I was preoccupied. It stressed me out and made me feel like my request wasn’t respected at all.

This eventually came down to my husband sending her a message that our “request still stands,” that she’s overwhelming me and we are still overwhelmed by our own struggles at the moment, but if she wants to reach out he’s available. She immediately responded saying that she “misunderstood and would leave [me] be.” She didn't reach out to him or me after that.

I eventually called her at the end of my 2-week recovery and we talked about it and it seemed like all was well. She indicated to me that she thought I meant no calls for the weekend, not the week of surgery. The conversation felt really good and I felt like she respected me and we were able to come to an understanding. Honestly, it felt like the friendship I’ve been wanting with her. About a week later, she posted a Facebook status about a week after we had talked saying she’s “less likely to do distanced communication as the weather warms up.” Since I initiated our last conversation to clear things up, she hasn’t called or texted me once.

Going from her and I talking once or twice a week for a little over a year to almost dead silence feels like I’ve been buttered up by her expressive adoration and gratitude just to be dumped out on the street because I asked for a bit of space around my surgery recovery. I feel like it’s my fault for either not being so specific about the timeframe for which I needed space, but also because I know (from her and I talking) that it caused her to feel devastated, which involved my BIL talking her through how different people need different things.

Overall, she’s still commenting/liking things I post on fb. She’s shared a couple of funny superficial comics or articles in our message chats, but contact has gone WAY down than it was before. I’ve been stewing in my own anxiety about it for weeks. I’ve talked to my own therapist about it on multiple occasions, but I just can’t seem to shake the fear that I’ve been dumped out by her so easily and so quickly.

In the past, when I’ve encountered people with or suspected of having BPD/NPD, I’ve eventually had to cut ties with those people to find relief. I don’t want to do that here, but I also feel like I don’t have a choice. She’s essentially family and my husband’s closest/best friend sibling’s significant other. I will be seeing her again and we will have contact. I just don’t know how to shake this resurfaced trauma of feeling like even if I do care or have expressed care in the past, it’s not enough especially when I need space. There are probably real reasons beyond me and her that have led her to not talking as much, but to go from 0 to 60 back to almost 0 again does not feel great.

[Methuen]

Hi there jumpingtothunder,

It kind of sounds like she smothers you.  Like it's "all, or nothing".

On the other hand, with your common interests, you've also had good times together, and when it's been good, it's felt good.

However, it also sounds like she can't respect boundaries.  For a healthy person who hears their friend needs some space during a health crisis, they would be able to take a step back and say, "ok, when you are ready, let me know how I can help".  But instead of that, she isn't able to hear that you are unavailable to her, since you are overwhelmed with the health issues and just need your own space.  This is her problem, and you need to give her time to soothe herself.  Trust me, she will.  I have watched this pattern in my uBPD mom her whole life.  My mom's MO is "an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth", when some does or says something she doesn't like.  It could take a week, a month, a year.  But eventually she will come back to you when her need to have you in her life supercedes her need for revenge.  There is likely nothing you can do or say to mollify her, and the more you try, the more power you give her to control your own feelings about it all.  That will just feed the dysfunction.  Instead, let her have her feelings for as long as she needs to.  When she is ready, she will call you up one day, and pretend nothing ever happened, which is also going to feel bizarre.

About a week later, she posted a Facebook status about a week after we had talked saying she’s “less likely to do distanced communication as the weather warms up.” Since I initiated our last conversation to clear things up, she hasn’t called or texted me once.

This is exactly what I'm talking about (eye for eye and tooth for tooth).  Just let her be, and give her time to self-regulate in her own way.  If,when you have contact through family functions, just be cordial, follow her lead.  If she ignores you, go along with it and let it be.  If she is friendly, be friendly.  Do not make a reference to the past.  Do not bring it up.  Do not apologize. Now is the time to set healthy patterns for the future.  Don't play or feed into any dysfunction. Remind yourself that there is nothing to "clear up", because you did nothing wrong.

 

I feel like it’s my fault for either not being so specific about the timeframe for which I needed space, but also because I know (from her and I talking) that it caused her to feel devastated, which involved my BIL talking her through how different people need different things.

This is NOT your fault.  You can't fix this.  You can't fix her.  Let her be, and self soothe.  She will.  Give her time.  If you had given her a time frame (how could you unless you have a crystal ball and know the future?), she would have found some other reason to project her bad feelings onto you.   

I’ve been stewing in my own anxiety about it for weeks

This is just a huge misplacement of energy right?  By stewing over it like this, you are giving her control of your feelings.  That is not ok.  You were completely within your rights to ask for some space from a person who doesn't have the emotional skills to recognize that she was smothering you, and causing you more stress rather than less.  Again let her have her own feelings.  Don't try to fix them for her.  You can't.  Her feelings and your feelings should be differentiated, because you are two different people; you are not the same person.  When she's feeling bad, she should not be making you responsible for that.  Healthy people don't do that.

I just don’t know how to shake this resurfaced trauma of feeling like even if I do care or have expressed care in the past, it’s not enough especially when I need space.

Radical acceptance of my mom's uBPD helped me.  Once I accepted her as she is, and "met her where she's at", things got better.  There's still ups and downs when she dysregulates, but I'm better able to navigate those times now.  Whatever you do, don't JADE.  The best thing you can do is let her self-soothe.  When she does, she's going to pretend nothing ever happened, and you will know when that time comes.