Ever Pressured to Resume Relationship with a BPD Relative?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Anyone ever feel like they've been pressured by other people to resume a relationship with a BPD parent or relative so that others can feel more comfortable and not have to deal with the awkwardness of your estrangement?

Especially by other relatives who were aware of the BPD relative's abuse toward you but turned a blind eye your whole life?

Feeling hurt and alone...  Any insight any of you may have on coping with this situation would help.  Thanks

[Clouds46]

Anyone ever feel like they've been pressured by other people to resume a relationship with a BPD parent or relative so that others can feel more comfortable and not have to deal with the awkwardness of your estrangement?

Especially by other relatives who were aware of the BPD relative's abuse toward you but turned a blind eye your whole life?

Feeling hurt and alone...  Any insight any of you may have on coping with this situation would help.  Thanks

[Notwendy]

Not pressured to resume a relationship, as I didn't go NC, but pressure to go along with the family "illusion" that my BPD mother is a normal loving mother and just pretend all is OK.

To be fair, she is nicer in public and with people who are not as close to her as immediate family. However, I have a hard time believing they are oblivious to her behaviors. They would have to have wondered at times.

She's managed to blame me for any issues between us and they seem convinced of this. I don't discuss her with them at all and have been polite and cordial in our interactions. At this time, I think they believe I have "come around" and decided to "be good" ( ie just comply with her). Who knows what she has told them or what they think.

I didn't decide to go NC, but I think it would be difficult to do this because it would require I also go NC with a lot of people in the family. I keep these relationships cordial and not emotional. I don't expect them to "see" my point of view, and don't discuss her at all.

I agree that the pressure to go along with "all is normal" probably comes with discomfort on their part. If I were to go NC, or when I don't go along, there has to be a reason. The reason can't be my mother's behaviors in these family dynamics.   So the only explanation that fits the picture is that I have to be the cause of the problem. This is the narrative they come up with any time I don't go along with it.

[beatricex]

Yes, I am definetly feeling the pressure to resume/continue a relationship with my BPD'd mom by both my older brothers. 

Probably because my parents are getting older and I'm the oldest girl.  I don't think my brothers really want to deal with her as she ages and needs more and more help.  She is super manipulative and gossips behind everyone's back.  All communication goes through her (I have made a consious effort not to do this, but I'm the only one)

Also, because if I stick around I can be her scapegoat not them!

[nothinggoodgetsaway]

I definitely have felt this- I want to validate you that you are NOT alone in this.

It can be really confusing to others who haven't had to make this difficult decision how on earth it's possible to do it. How could someone do something that is so bad that you can go NC?

The thing that's gotten me through it over the years (I'm about 10 years NC, since about 2012) is that if I knew my mom was doing the work- like if I were to get like an AA letter or something that she was graduating from a program and wanted to make amends- god, I'd be back in a heartbeat- no hesitation. But I can't be there with her or for her on her healing journey. I have no reservations about having a relationship with her - but I need to be chosen to be in that relationship. I'm not going back without knowing she's doing the work. That's all there is to it.

I also learned early on to just disconnect from any conversation where the theme was "she's your mother" or anything of the sort. I would just say "yeah, she is" and just move on if I could. Over time, people learned to just not talk to me about the decision because they knew I wasn't going to engage in it. I focused more on the people who could support me than the people that would fight me on it. I knew this was the only way I could make the right decision for me.

No one can make a decision for you- one thing that I wish I had learned earlier is about attachment styles and work. I am only learning about it now, as my husband is telling me he's going to divorce me, and I can see how much help it would have been to do this earlier. I was a disorganized attachment when I started working on things- and what that means is that I was both avoiding getting too close to people for fear they would hurt me, and also scared that they would leave me at every pass so clung super hard to those who I had. It was exhausting and I am exhausted. Learning how to manage my own emotions, recognize my needs, and see what I needed to move to a secure attachment with the world has made a big difference.

You are not alone. Hang in there, friend.

[zachira]

I have legal issues to resolve with my disordered cruel closest relatives. Like the rest of the family scapegoats, I will always be under pressure to accept how they abuse me and other family scapegoats as normal while the family golden children do some of the most egregious illegal cruel things, and there are no consequences. On my father's side, there are six generations of families with the scapegoat golden child dynamics. After the legal issues are resolved, I am considering going permanent no contact with all the relatives, as I will always be under pressure to have relationships with the abusers while they continue to mercilessly abuse me and other family scapegoats. I have heard that going no contact with the entire family and anybody associated with them can be excrutiatingly painful at first, and later on be a big relief. I have many relatives with BPD and NPD.
You are not alone. Very few people understand what it is like to go no contact with seriously disordered family members. We get it here.

[Mommydoc]

Yes, definitely!  My parents were in complete denial about my  uBPD sisters behavior and constantly pressured me to “ be the strong one” , to take her abuse, and understand how bad her life was in comparison to mine, to justify it all.   All they wanted was for us to get along, but they saw it as my job to make that happening by tolerating, looking past, and allowing the behavior.  Before my father died, in his own way, he gave me permission to take care of my mother and myself.  And thankfully, my mom, even with early dementia, has been able to share with me her insights and has started to acknowledge what I have endured, why, and given me permission not to “give in” to her unreasonable demands and  take the verbal abuse.   

You are not alone.  Family members do this for many reasons.  In my parents case, I now realize the enormous guilt they felt, like they had somehow not been good parents, that their love and affection for me, somehow was misplaced and caused my sisters sense of deprivation.  They felt responsible.  Denial, shame, and bargaining are all part of it.  It has been difficult to “unlearn” what they taught me about my role in this relationship as a child and young adult.  It is my dysfunction.   Fortunately with therapy, support from this site and self care and self reflection, I am my making progress.   I hope your family members who are pressuring you are doing with good intention, but it doesn’t matter.  I have learned that we have to stop the dysfunction ourselves regardless of who is pressuring us or why.   Self care, self compassion and self awareness have to come first.  Good luck. 

[Notwendy]

It was also recognized that I was the "stronger" one and somehow this seemed to make it OK for my parents to not recognize that emotionally, I was still their child and needed parental love.

I was enlisted as an emotional caretaker for my BPD mom. In some way there was special status in being a co-worker. ( co-dependent helper) with my father in meeting my mothers needs, but to get this approval meant not having any emotional needs. I knew that Dad ran on empty when dealing with mom.

It also meant not upsetting her, which was an impossible job for a teen ager. I was really a good kid but I believe there isn't a teen on the planet who has not aggravated their parents by just being a teen. Add to that BPD and I was her scapegoat child.

A sibling is the golden child and has been enmeshed with my mother.

Dad passed away after a long illness and gradual physical decline. During this time, I was being solicited by my mother's FOO to step up and become her caregiver/caretaker- which my father had traditionally been. I was more than willing to help, but during this time she also ramped up her emotional abuse with me and it was too much. When I decided I had to have boundaries, they all responded with anger at me.

It was my wish that Dad would have validated me when he was alive, given me permission to take care of myself, that I had value as an individual person, more than just being useful to BPD mom but when I asked him what his wishes were, all he had were wishes for my mother and the golden child. I know there was a time when we actually had a relationship and he was a father to me, but that was not his concern then. I also suspect that the reason he wasn't concerned for me was that he knew I could take care of myself, and worried about my mother and the golden child more.

I direct that at Mommydoc because, while being the stronger one in the family is the best position, it's still the best position in a dysfunctional situation. There's only so much emotional energy to go around and the ones who seem to need it most become the focus and it's natural that family members call on those with the stregnth to make overtures towards peace. That doesn't mean you don't have emotional needs too. It just meant there wasn't enough to go around.

But don't forget that you have needs too, and you don't need anyone else's permission to meet them. Take care of you too.

[Mommydoc]

Thank you for starting this thread Clouds46.  I hope you are taking care of yourself.  I can totally relate and am learning a lot. 

I direct that at Mommydoc because, while being the stronger one in the family is the best position, it's still the best position in a dysfunctional situation. There's only so much emotional energy to go around and the ones who seem to need it most become the focus and it's natural that family members call on those with the stregnth to make overtures towards peace.

Pretty much sums up my family dynamic.  It helps to know others have experienced and been able to move to a better place, away from the dysfunction.  We each have a choice, even though it might require breaking long standing patterns.

[Imatter33]

Anyone ever feel like they've been pressured by other people to resume a relationship with a BPD parent or relative so that others can feel more comfortable and not have to deal with the awkwardness of your estrangement?

Hi Clouds46,
Unfortunately, it is a big yes. I have been NC for my mom for 2 years and in that time I had lots of guilt from family, (disapproving texts, sad texts, letters...and now it has changed to being completely ignored by all siblings.

Other family (uncles, aunts, cousins)  know a little, but bc of ongoing issues in that family dynamic---host of mental health issues, we might as well be strangers. There is some liking of fb posts but that is it. Not everyone in the family is toxic but I just find it too painful to reach out at this time. We have a lot of don't ask, don't tell going on) Have not seen anyone in person for about a year and a half.
Covid may have made it easier to  detach but there is a part of me that will always wish for a close family that i do not have.

As far as coping, I truly try to detach from painful past and focus on the NOW. What good is occuring for me outside of anything to do with family? There is some so that for I am grateful.

I also have access to my father as he has been divorced from mom and her side of the family for a long time, but that has not helped with me being "bad guy" with my siblings. At least he has a relationship with be solely based on me and nothing else.

I definitely have felt this- I want to validate you that you are NOT alone in this.

It can be really confusing to others who haven't had to make this difficult decision how on earth it's possible to do it. How could someone do something that is so bad that you can go NC?

The thing that's gotten me through it over the years (I'm about 10 years NC, since about 2012) is that if I knew my mom was doing the work- like if I were to get like an AA letter or something that she was graduating from a program and wanted to make amends- god, I'd be back in a heartbeat- no hesitation. But I can't be there with her or for her on her healing journey. I have no reservations about having a relationship with her - but I need to be chosen to be in that relationship. I'm not going back without knowing she's doing the work. That's all there is to it.

I also learned early on to just disconnect from any conversation where the theme was "she's your mother" or anything of the sort. I would just say "yeah, she is" and just move on if I could. Over time, people learned to just not talk to me about the decision because they knew I wasn't going to engage in it. I focused more on the people who could support me than the people that would fight me on it. I knew this was the only way I could make the right decision for me.

I've also done some of what Nothinggoodgoesaway said.

Stop defending and talking about it, unless the person you can confide in has no interest in changing your mind and only wants to support you.

Nothinggoodgoesaway
My mom sent one letter that did not address anything significant 2 weeks after our fall out. At that time I tore it up and that has been her only attempt in 2 years.
But... she keeps making new fb profiles and asking to be my friend as if that is something that is supposed to signify... ? Change? Apology?
Well it doesn't mean those things to me, it only makes me feel more guilt and sadness. And i've blocked 3 or 4 of these profiles already. Should I just add 5 to the list? Probably.

Try to focus on the good Cloud46.
Try to focus on right now.
There is freedom there. Good luck. hugs.

[Notwendy]

A counselor in college actually recommended I go NC with BPD mom. She didn't mention BPD but I think she recognized the emotionally abusive nature of the relationship.

I didn't realize how enmeshment worked or how enmeshed my father was. I met with him and we got in the car where he drove home with me where BPD mom was. I knew that if I wanted a relationship with him, it included her.

I didn't understand about the dynamics. They had convinced me that any issues between us were due to me being the problem, so I tried harder to "be good" which meant being compliant to BPD mom's wishes.

If anyone is wanting some kind of apology or resolution, or realization on her part about her own behavior, I don't think this is possible for them. Realizing their own behavior would be intollerably shame producing I think. Instead, I think the apology is " things are good now, it never happened" which doesn't bring resolution. I think truly it's the best they can do.

I also think they wanted me to behave and also appear as if all was OK as a part of the denial. If I did say anything, what I'd hear is " it can't be that bad, look at how you turned out" which was puzzling because in many ways I was fortunate and my parents did take good care of us, materially. They cared about how we did in school and how we acted. But what went on in private between us and BPD mom is a well kept family secret and maintaining that my mother is a normal loving mother is what is expected.

[beatricex]

Notwendy,
Your dad and my dad are (were?  I think you said your Dad has passed?) very much alike.

I recently asked my Dad for an apology for saying loud enough that I could hear it and in a very mean way "Hang Up on Her".  It was sort of said like a growl.

I was stating a boundary to my Mom (stop emailing us - my husband and I) and she turned to my Dad on the phone, as always, he was right there by her side, and in her pathetic way said "what do I doo?" triangulating of course, bringing my Dad into the conversation, like she's some child that needs to be saved.  Also, like I was somehow beating her up by simply stating to stop love bombing me with emails.  So pathetic.

Anyway, a couple weeks went by my Dad texted me "did it rain there?" (we live a few hours away).  I took about two weeks to reply and I said "no apology for the 'Hang up on her?', I heard that, it was mean".  He actually texted me back "I'm sorry and I love you."

Pretty amazing as I'm almost 50 and my parents are in their 70's and this is literally the only time I can ever remember getting an apology from either of my parents.  Which I had to Ask for, of course.

Didn't even bother to ask for one from my Mom, she did nothing wrong, its like fighting with a 3 year old child.  What's the point?  They can never see their part in anything.  BTW, she drove to our house after the hang up, and left a note, pretending like nothing had even happened.  The note said "Sorry I missed you, LOVE MOM" and more soupy crap.  Love bombing again.

I haven't responded to her yet.  I'm thinking about seriously going no contact with my entire family again.  Not because I want to teach them a lesson, or because I am mad, but because I want to move on with  my life and be happy.

I don't want to keep thinking and playing the game of "make Mom happy."  It's really exhausting, and I am out of gas.

Thanks for the topic, the pressure is and has always been there for me.

b

[Clouds46]

Sincere thanks to all for sharing your experiences and insights.  They have helped immensely.  Couldn't sum up this common but unfortunate dynamic any better.  My thoughts and support go out to all of you as you continue on this tough journey

[zachira]

Reach out any time. We are here to help.

[Imatter33]

If anyone is wanting some kind of apology or resolution, or realization on her part about her own behavior, I don't think this is possible for them. Realizing their own behavior would be intolerably shame producing I think. Instead, I think the apology is " things are good now, it never happened" which doesn't bring resolution. I think truly it's the best they can do.

Notwendy:
I hadn't been able to see it this way, but I am starting to think you are SO right. The illness prevents admission of fault!   Her fb request in my case signifies she is saying, I am good now,  (its not me that has the problem its you) so if you accept my request lets have a relationship again. Nothing happened.

I ask anyone that has gone  back to LC after NC... Have you all as the healthy person(s) come to a place of acceptance of...things will never be "good now," but I am okay with that and will work like  to have a relationship with this super difficult person?

Just thinking aloud but... I think this whole site is dedicated to the pros and cons of this decision?

And if you decide to stay NC you are met with a host of your own pros and cons that hurt like 

[Siblings123]

Ooohhh gosh, I so relate. And really appreciate this thread so much!  Yes yes yes.

I have had such confusion because my Mom gets frustrated with my BDP sister and she also defends her or will say well she’s just feeling afraid, etc. I always say siblings know the sibling dynamic well. We know the subtleties that parents don’t always see. Or overlook as someone said well because of their own feelings. But it is highly confusing and upsetting. And so glad you discussed how we get these messages of how we should be to be a good sibling. Those messages from family and society caused me great confusion as I continually tried to do the “right” thing and realized I was really digging a hole for myself and feeding the pattern.

I started reading the book about caretaking role snd the intricacies it described were so validating and at the same time so difficult to read and realize some of the depths of the psychology of these tangled relationships I had to take a reading vacation. But will be diving back n. It’s amazing insight and understanding. And explains the complexities so well.

Growing up with these family members ftom childhood it really does take a lot to unravel. Thinking and messages and patterns.

I’m extremely grateful to get to be in this conversation.., finally! 

[Drtakjh]

I think it must be harder to have a BPD parent than sister (as I do). I am sure it takes a lot to stop wanting a parent’s love. I am saying here for the first time ever that I do not love my sister and am generally indifferent to her when I am not around her. I have not gone NC because that would cause more drama. When I am around her the victim stance and blaming make me feel as bad as ever. But what she doesn’t know is that over time she just doesn’t matter to me any more. It seems to me that would be extremely hard with a parent, but maybe some people get there. Sorry for your pain, and I hope you will find some way to be connected to your mom that works for you.

[Sylfine]

Not pressured to resume a relationship, as I didn't go NC, but pressure to go along with the family "illusion" that my BPD mother is a normal loving mother and just pretend all is OK.

Going through the same here.  "Stay for <insert person here>".  You are not alone.  Hugs hun!

[Notwendy]

Thanks, it's a creepy feeling to go along with the "my mother is normal, our relationship is normal". I have no idea what she has said to the relatives beyond "NW is being good now". Her relatives just go along with it too. I don't know how they don't wonder.

It would be a huge effort to go NC with her as that would include everyone who is connected to her. It's impossible really- my kids know their cousins on that side of the family, so I just smile and nod.

Beatrix, there's no point in waiting for an apology. I had only one choice, go along with it, or face their anger. I didn't hear anyone consider how her behavior might impact all of us.

I don't see the point in raising any issues.

[nothinggoodgetsaway]

Nothinggoodgoesaway
My mom sent one letter that did not address anything significant 2 weeks after our fall out. At that time I tore it up and that has been her only attempt in 2 years.
But... she keeps making new fb profiles and asking to be my friend as if that is something that is supposed to signify... ? Change? Apology?
Well it doesn't mean those things to me, it only makes me feel more guilt and sadness. And i've blocked 3 or 4 of these profiles already. Should I just add 5 to the list? Probably.

Yikes, imatter33- that sounds like it sucks. My uBPD mom just kind of went with it, I guess? That doesn't really make it easier, but I just was able to ignore her calls a long time and eventually changed my phone number. I did accidentally call her once, but then had my husband block her number and delete it out of my phone.
If you feel like you don't want any contact with her and don't feel like it would be good for you, I'd just keep blocking and ignoring. If you do feel like you want to say something and it would give you some good stuff as the reason for doing it, you could spend some time writing up some response that you block her alongside- something talking about what it would take for you to go back to the relationship, like...what your terms would look like.
My cousin on her side recently reached out for my address- I assume she's getting married or something- and I am finally at the point in my journey that I was able to say "Hey, thanks for thinking of me- I hold you in light and love. I am not comfortable sharing my address at this time, but know you're in my heart" and that got rid of the conversation.
No one's solution is right for everyone- but we're all in it somehow together. Hang in there. NC does get easier, if not ever simple.