Well this is new for me...

[BSandBP]

This is a bit daunting. I've never read a post here, I've never been here before, but... the path led me to making a post, and I'm trying to overcome my fears about (everything in life), so here I am.

I've been married for eleven years, and the last one was punctuated with an anniversary devoid of any warmth or love where divorce was brought up and accepted by 9:00 am. Whether or not anything happens there is anyone's guess, but personally, I think it was a bluff and I fell for it, the same way I always do.

We didn't speak for the remainder of the day. That was two weeks ago, give or take.

We currently live in separate rooms, sleep in separate beds, but try to get along... we both want things to work. I usually wake up first and today was no different. I offered to go out and pick up some quick breakfast, suggesting there was a warm bed with a curled up kitty in my room if they wanted to go snooze there until I returned. It was gleefully accepted with happy sounds of comfort and giggles as the kitty was petted and cuddled.

Basically, a great start to a day, to be perfectly honest. Then, I made a bit too much noise at my desk chatting with friends while my SO snoozed, waking them "in a not-nice way," and... within 30 minutes I was, in their words, the meanest person they had ever let into their heart. Oof.

Did I mention I am very codependent, too? Oh how it stings... I try to tell myself "Ahh! That's what splitting is! Don't take it personally!" but when the majority of our encounters are negative like that, how do I call it splitting?

I just recently finished, "How to Stop Walking on Eggshells" about a week ago and am now working through "The Essential Family Guide..." I just hit part 2 tonight and I am just starting to read about some of the tools I can try to apply. For some strange reason, instead of continuing to read and learn these tools, I somehow ended up wandering over here...

I think maybe subconsciously I wanted to ask (theoretically) real, living people who have read these books and applied these ideas to their relationships how things ended up working for them. As I learn more about and start to work on my codependency challenges, I have been (clumsily) applying this idea that "I need to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else" to my relationship  and it isn't going super well.  I'm surely not executing with any sort of finesse, but I mean... I didn't expect it to literally have the opposite effect from what was desired. Now, the tools I am learning to help me cope with my loved one's challenges start with essentially the same message.

So.. yeah.. here I am. Hi.

I think I'll take a stroll around now and see what's going on. Thanks in advance to all who have paved the way before me...

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[alterK]

Hi BSandBP. I too am new to this forum, so it’s a bit presumptuous of me to offer advice, but maybe telling you a little about my experiences will help. I am 16 years into this relationship with my wife. 3rd marriage for me, 4th for her. I am 77, she 67. She has a daughter with BPD. In retrospect this—and the relationship between mother and daughter—should have been much more of a red flag for me. Still, I did begin to learn something about the condition. A couple of years ago my wife and I were going through a particularly rough period and we went to a counselor. In an individual session he said, “You know, your wife has BPD too.”

Huh? What? I never thoughta that! But of course he was right. Well, I’ve never told her what he said, and my wife and I have muddled along, living as something slightly more than housemates, trying by mutual agreement to avoid discussing anything controversial. We are sleeping apart, but still getting together regularly. Keeping our finances separate except for shared household expenses like utilities and insurance. Etc.

Lately though, because I anticipated a week-long visit by my son and his family, which I knew was going to be very troubling for my wife, I started cramming. I read almost all those standards on BPD written for spouses. Result: I learned a lot, not just about my wife, but about myself. I found it fascinating, though occasionally painful. Understood some things about my own upbringing that in some ways disposed me to choosing this kind of partner.

From your post, it appears that you are starting on a similar journey, trying to learn, and I can only offer you encouragement. The Rome of restoring my marriage won’t be rebuilt in a day, and maybe never will, but at least I have found some reassurance and am starting to see the direction in which I myself want to go.

A long time ago a psychologist friend said to me, probably quoting someone he had learned from, “People prefer familiar problems to unfamiliar solutions.” I suspect people with BPD are especially resistant to change because they are operating from a position of such intense fear. Makes is tough for everyone.

So, good luck! I hope you find benefit in your learning attempts.

[once removed]

For some strange reason, instead of continuing to read and learn these tools, I somehow ended up wandering over here...

this is a great place to use, practice, and refine them. i use them all the time, not just when im supporting others here, but with everyone in my life.

a good example would be that ive never really read any of the literature say about the communication tools, explicitly "these are examples. they need to be personalized, sincerity is really key above all, and they need to take in the context of your relationship and the language you use, otherwise you risk condescending."

Did I mention I am very codependent, too? Oh how it stings... I try to tell myself "Ahh! That's what splitting is! Don't take it personally!" but when the majority of our encounters are negative like that, how do I call it splitting?

its a balance, and may be easier to think of sort of on a spectrum.

it is personal. it is your closest loved one saying hurtful things. and yet, it likely is not entirely about you. everyone has woken up (or been woken up) on the wrong side of the bed, and been a jerk. when you have bpd traits, that anger goes from 0-60, could last for hours, and you could bring up every wrong the other person has ever done, in the process. that part is less personal and more personality.

when it comes to splitting, the general gist is that youre either the greatest person in the world, or the worst. "not taking it personally" means having a balanced view of yourself, and knowing you are not either of those things, and that our loved ones have a tendency to over emote and exaggerate. a lot of us have a tendency to over invest in either of those extremes at the expense of that balanced view.

go too far into not taking it personally, and you can become reflexively dismissive (as i often was in my relationship) of your partners complaints and attribute what may be valid, or may be a less than constructive way of communicating a real need, all to "bpd".

so not taking it personally, to me, really means being comfortable in your skin and having a balanced view of yourself, in a way that you can separate yourself from criticism (or whatever) and look at it more objectively. for example, im not the worst person in the world, but underneath the things this person is screaming at me, maybe im not always the best listener! maybe they feel neglected by me.

I've been married for eleven years, and the last one was punctuated with an anniversary devoid of any warmth or love where divorce was brought up and accepted by 9:00 am. Whether or not anything happens there is anyone's guess, but personally, I think it was a bluff and I fell for it, the same way I always do.

what happened? why the divorce threats?