Graduation nerves

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi folks,

I'm 3+ years out from my BPDex's psychotic break/assault/discard etc.  I'm doing mostly great at this point and have had almost zero contact with my ex in-person over the last two years (save for a few emails regarding our child).

It's my teen's high school graduation in a week.  This will be the first time in over two years that I may potentially bump into my ex-spouse at an event (background: 27 yr. relationship, 21 yr. marriage - had no clue about BPD until his psychotic break - everything made sense after he discarded/divorced me in 6 weeks).

I'm a nervous wreck.  I'm still in therapy and will be until the end of days despite the fact that  I've made amazing progress.  I practically raised my child alone throughout the marriage.  He was the fun Dad and I was the one who did ALL the practical hard, tough graft in parenting.  My teen and I are super close and although he is not ready to hear about his father's mental issues, he is aware that something is very off with his father.  He still loves him and I do support this despite the fact that it is hard for me.

I'm dealing with so much grief of how things should be at a graduation, surrounded by intact loving families who just can't relate to my experience.  I plan to attend the ceremony alone.  I'm SO dreading bumping into my ex to the point that that the whole graduation is ruined for me.  I'm so sad for my teen that he doesn't get parents that can be even minimally civil to each other.  I CAN'T sit next to my ex.  He assaulted me, cheated on me, spread a smear campaign that humiliated me and alienated his family from me. My skin is crawling at the thought of him being in the same football stadium.  I'm trying so hard to make it about my teen but I'm really struggling.  I'm SICK to my stomach at the idea of attending the graduation (although I would go through the gates of hell for my child).  I plan to avoid my ex (i.e. my therapist has given me some scripts if he approaches me i.e. I have to go to the bathroom, oh I see a friend etc.) but I'm so sad that a time of celebration is such a time of stress and heartbreak for me.

Can anyone relate?  Provide any words of comfort/advice?

Warmly,
B.

[Baglady]

Hi folks,

I'm 3+ years out from my BPDex's psychotic break/assault/discard etc.  I'm doing mostly great at this point and have had almost zero contact with my ex in-person over the last two years (save for a few emails regarding our child).

It's my teen's high school graduation in a week.  This will be the first time in over two years that I may potentially bump into my ex-spouse at an event (background: 27 yr. relationship, 21 yr. marriage - had no clue about BPD until his psychotic break - everything made sense after he discarded/divorced me in 6 weeks).

I'm a nervous wreck.  I'm still in therapy and will be until the end of days despite the fact that  I've made amazing progress.  I practically raised my child alone throughout the marriage.  He was the fun Dad and I was the one who did ALL the practical hard, tough graft in parenting.  My teen and I are super close and although he is not ready to hear about his father's mental issues, he is aware that something is very off with his father.  He still loves him and I do support this despite the fact that it is hard for me.

I'm dealing with so much grief of how things should be at a graduation, surrounded by intact loving families who just can't relate to my experience.  I plan to attend the ceremony alone.  I'm SO dreading bumping into my ex to the point that that the whole graduation is ruined for me.  I'm so sad for my teen that he doesn't get parents that can be even minimally civil to each other.  I CAN'T sit next to my ex.  He assaulted me, cheated on me, spread a smear campaign that humiliated me and alienated his family from me. My skin is crawling at the thought of him being in the same football stadium.  I'm trying so hard to make it about my teen but I'm really struggling.  I'm SICK to my stomach at the idea of attending the graduation (although I would go through the gates of hell for my child).  I plan to avoid my ex (i.e. my therapist has given me some scripts if he approaches me i.e. I have to go to the bathroom, oh I see a friend etc.) but I'm so sad that a time of celebration is such a time of stress and heartbreak for me.

Can anyone relate?  Provide any words of comfort/advice?

Warmly,
B.

[kells76]

Hi again Baglady! Nice to hear from you 

Yes, I can relate to the sick anxiety at anticipating being stuck at an event in an enclosed locale with the kids' mom and stepdad. We all went to the same small church for a while, and it was torture. Torture wondering if they'd be there or not be there -- you weren't ever really sure for at least half an hour. Wondering if they'd sit in eye range or not, if they'd be "performative" and attention-seeking, if they'd "just be doing what the kids wanted" by sitting with the kids even if it was our day... ugh, all of it. Plus, SD15 used to do an activity that involved HOURS long events on weekends. Like, it could be 5-6 hours in one enclosed space... and there were Mom and Stepdad.

I suspect that I may have had mild out-of-body experiences during many of those times? Just feeling numb, head buzzing, focusing on making it through.

It helped me at church to look directly at people who knew our backstory, and tell myself explicitly (in my head) "I can be strong because X is here and knows."

For the hours-long events, DH and I had each other there, and sometimes snuck in some beer (don't tell!). We also gave ourselves permission to decompress/disconnect during the slow times of the event by just doing stupid stuff online (youtube etc).

It would be much more difficult for me to go to an event like that alone.

Is it required that you go alone? A personal desire? Something imposed on you? Other? That'd be the first place I'd look for how to make it through -- anyone you can bring along?

Sometimes getting more info ahead of time helps me, too. Are seats assigned for the graduation? Are tickets dealt with through the school? I bet if you mentioned to them "you know, for Son's sake, his dad and I need to be sitting apart from each other... can we check tickets and be sure?", you wouldn't be the first.

Is there one entrance to the stadium, or multiple? If you get there extra early, would that give you a better chance of avoiding him?

And consider working out some logistics with your son ahead of time. Is he driving there or are you taking him? Can you work out some after-event timing with him? I can't imagine having to feel pressured to get those grad pics of him when Dad is right there. Can Son keep his regalia on for a while -- until he's sure Dad has hit the road -- and then you get pics/etc?

...

I understand the grief. Of course this isn't what you wanted for your son, and you wish the focus could be 100% on him on his special day. I think grief is underneath a lot of the venting and frustration and anxiety I express.

You're not alone. 

[worriedStepmom]

I'm dealing with so much grief of how things should be at a graduation, surrounded by intact loving families who just can't relate to my experience.  I plan to attend the ceremony alone.  I'm SO dreading bumping into my ex to the point that that the whole graduation is ruined for me.  I'm so sad for my teen that he doesn't get parents that can be even minimally civil to each other.

The grief of losing that dream for your kid is real, and hard, and can make you blind to the reality of your child's world.

Shortly after my divorce, I took my kids to a carnival. I felt so alone and lonely - there were all these perfect intact families, and then there was me with my kids.  Two years later, I attended the same carnival with my kids and my new bf (now husband) and his daughter.  I realized that to everyone else we looked like a perfect intact family.  In reality, we were dealing with exes and dating new people and hoping our kids would like each other.

You will not be the only person in that stadium dreading running into the child's other parent.
You will not be the only person in that stadium wishing that you could have given your kid the dream of an intact family.
You will not be the only person in that stadium who has had to deal with an abusive spouse.
You will not be the only person in that stadium who has had to deal with a spouse with a personality disorder.

When my SD graduates, we won't have any contact with her mom.  (We will look like an intact, loving family, but I'm the stepmom and her mom will be on the other side of the stadium.)

Do you know any other single parents who will be there that you could arrange to sit with?  Or can you arrange to sit with married parents of a friend of your son's?  My friend was in an abusive marriage and always sits with me and my H now.  That way she doesn't feel so alone, and her ex is less likely to approach because he knows I'm mean.

[ForeverDad]

Do you know any other single parents who will be there that you could arrange to sit with?  Or can you arrange to sit with married parents of a friend of your son's?

I really like this answer.  You don't have to be alone.  Bring a friend or friends, or link up with other informed parents, to help you deal with any encounters, situations or feelings that may arise.

[Baglady]

Thank you everyone 

I really appreciate your input.  Unfortunately, I do have to go to the ceremony alone as it's a ticketed event due to COVID restrictions - two tickets per senior (live-streamed to anyone else who is interested).  The parking lot will contain all the families.

I have been thinking through the logistics and that helps a lot.  And I appreciate the idea that I won't be the only one struggling with some of the same issues and to not make snap judgements about other couples, families there etc.

Honestly, it's likely just mainly about the grief...it's hard.  It's yet another tangible visceral reminder of all that was taken from me by my ex's mental illness.

Thanks so much for the support.
Warmly,
B

[Marianne-11]

Hi Baglady 

Others here have had good advice. I know it hurts so much and can well relate. But I hope you can find strength and comfort in thinking what an amazing parent you are to your child, you have come so far! I wish you well 

M

[worriedStepmom]

How did it go?

[Baglady]

Hi all 

Can't thank you all enough for your support!

The graduation went so well and I completely dodged running into my BPD ex (and all the flying monkey ex-in-laws) throughout!

I took the good advice to really plan out the logistics so that I could avoid the possibility as much as I could and it really worked.  I was able to really focus upon and enjoy my child's sweet ceremony throughly!  I had to go alone but it was fine.

Grief about how this was not the way I would have wished things to be is still ever-present.  Also, a quiet sense of failure that I can't be the type of divorced parent that can foster an amicable enough relationship with my ex so that I could have even taken a joint picture with all of us on the day.  Many of you understand why I could not do this and that is more than enough for me.

And...I have enormous pride in my teen, he has come through the mess of my ex's behaviors over the last 3 years with so much good heart and resiliency.  Never a whimper of complaint about the situation.  My overwhelming feeling is that of a deep-seated gratitude that my teen is thriving in spite of his father's antics and self-absorption.  I really can't ask for anything better.

Thank you, thank you all again so much!  Now I won't have to worry about this situation again until four years when my teen hopefully graduates from college   

Warmly,
B

[worriedStepmom]

My therapist fusses at me when I talk about the sense of failure.

You aren't the one that failed/is failing.  Your ex did/is.  He is incapable of being a coparent.

I hope you can come to peace with that eventually.

Also, Congrats on getting your son launched! 

[kells76]

So glad you made it, Baglady! What a relief for you to make it through without the stress and anxiety of running into the ex. I can almost feel the weight lifted off of you, even through the internet 

[Baglady]

Thank you Worried, Kells and Marianne!

This is a time when I wish we could meet in-person!  As much as I LOVE this site, there are times I so wish I could connect with like-minded folks over a freaking meal or something.  What we deal with is so unique and bizarre,  I'd honestly fork over hard-earned money for a flight to literally anywhere so that I could connect face-to-face and we could share our war stories and humor 

PM me if you are interested...I still have my stimulus bucks and this would be money well spent!

Warmly,
Baglady

[ForeverDad]

Many moons ago (okay years) some of the members here did have a reunion of sorts, as I recall it was in NYC.  I had previously lived a couple decades near the Brooklyn Bridge, but had long since moved away.  Among other residences, I resided in the Towers Hotel, Standish Hotel (I heard Matt Damon took over the top two floors there) and the Bossert Hotel.  With my custody issues always flaring up I missed the reunion.

I have met up with a handful of members over the years here and there.  Once was during a vacation to the Rockies, I try to go every year, about time to go forth again.  Besides being remote and anonymous, for most of us by the time we get past the worst impacts of our circumstances, we move on with our lives.

I sometimes wonder why I haven't moved on in my own life yet.  My separation and divorce are far in the past, I did manage to get a handle on limiting the chaos and sabotage, my child is now an adult, no one wants to hire an older programmer so I retired, now health issues too, but I'm still here in my little niche, evidently my comfort zone.