Struggling to live with family and mum with BPD, advice?

[marstarcheef]

I'm not sure where to begin. My mum has diagnosed BPD and I live with her, my brother, and my sister - both are between 10 - 14 and have autism.

I want to be independent and be able to live my own life but I feel so obligated to do things for her that she struggles with that I feel stuck here. She struggles with the younger children and I often have to step in as well as keeping up with a lot of the housework and childcare when she neglects this. She has also tried to commit suicide multiple times and self harms frequently. She's tried to get help but the health services have not done much for her. When I don't help and try to step back I feel terrible, she seems to struggle massively and will fall into even worse self harm and sometimes it leads to a suicide attempt. I know it isn't 'my fault' but I can't help feel responsible. If I were to leave, move out, and set the boundaries I actually want, I know that it would go to PLEASE READ here.

Is there any advice anyone can offer up? I don't want to be stuck in this bear trap for the rest of my life.

[billydylan]

I'm so sorry mastercheef.  It sounds like you are carrying a lot of weight, and setting aside your own desires to do so.  I don't have any great words of wisdom.  But I feel for you.  It would be nice if you could go live your dreams with their support, right? 

[Methuen]

marstarcheef, that sounds like a situation that isn't really sustainable for any of you.

Since your two siblings age 10-14 are autistic, does your mom get any support for that?  Has she looked into available supports?  Are there autism support groups in your area?  Will she accept support if it is available?

Since your mom is diagnosed BPD, does she accept that diagnosis?   You mention she's been suicidal in the past.  Is she under a doctor's care?  Are there things she does to look after herself, even sometimes?  You mention she's tried to get help, but the health services haven't done much for her.  Can you tell us more about that?

Does she have family or friends, other than you?  Who else is supporting her, apart from you?

Lastly, are there things you are doing to take care of yourself?  Can we ask, how old are you?

[Drtakjh]

There is a special kind of suffering involved when a child (of any age really) has to parent his/her parent. Obligation, guilt, worry, resentment...all part of the picture. I am sorry you have had to get on this treadmill. I am sure you will find a path that works for you as life unfolds, but just wanted to tell you that I feel for you. My niece sometimes has to parent her BPD mother as well, like feeding her and putting her to bed when drunk. Hate to see it but at her age that is what she has felt to be right. Not nearly as bad a situation as yours, though. Thanks for writing the group and my best to you.