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Author Topic: Exhausted by step daughter  (Read 718 times)
Kaylynn

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: married
Posts: 8


« on: May 06, 2021, 03:46:47 PM »

I'm new here...just found this site during a search for "how do I step-parent my spouse's 17 year old budding BPD daughter?"

I'm exhausted. I've been married to my amazing husband for 6 years, and together for 9.5 years. He is truly the best dad and husband in the world! We have a blended family of 5 that range from 27 down to 15 y.o. They're all beautiful children...including the daughter I reference above. My spouse's ex-wife is BPD (diagnosed and in and out of therapy), and my SD daughter has despised me since I began dating her dad. Her mother has filled her and her brother's minds with a lot of negative lies about me. I have always treated both kids lovingly, with a hand's off approach to parenting. I make dinners when they're over so we can all be together, and frequently find ways to go out of my way to show them I love them. We are a Christian home, and I seriously consider ways to show them love from me and to reinforce that they are loved by God and worthy of respect.

Long story short, since she was 7, I have been there for my SD when she's been angry and lashing out at me and others, suicidal (ideations), cutting, and when their mom kicks them out. I try to be empathetic when she shares her frustrations about girl drama at school, and boyfriend issues. However I have NEVER felt that she cares about me, and it's rare when she will look me in the eye and have a conversation. She shows signs of contempt and jealousy toward me often. I have spoken to her about how her hurtful treatment of me is, and her dad has supported me in keeping healthy boundaries in regard to her.

I know not to take anything personally, but last weekend was a moment when I cracked and I feel completely done with her. I want to hate her, I want to hurt her back, I want her to know how manipulative and conniving she is and how much pain she brings into our family. I would NEVER do or say these things, but I feel them nonetheless.

I've read a lot on BPD and understand the DBT therapy process. But as a step parent, I feel as if my hands are tied behind my back and there is nothing I can do to ever help her or our situation. I'm so tired and angry and just sad for her dad, her and me. I guess I'm reaching out here to find some hope. I don't have any hope for her getting better or for us ever having a healthy relationship. She is becoming just like her mother, who is just a mess. Her older half-sister (no relation to us) is also a mess and displays BPD tendencies.

She and her brother are at our home 1/2 time, so I need to find a way to be around her when she's there, without making things worse or sacrificing my own sanity. Advice, input or positive stories would help! Thanks...
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
beatricex
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Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2021, 03:56:45 PM »

hi Kaylynn,
I have a suspected BPD'd step daughter as well. 

This made me go aha!  I'm not the only one...
Excerpt
it's rare when she will look me in the eye and have a conversation. She shows signs of contempt and jealousy toward me often.

She was living with her Dad when I met her Dad, she was 19.  She has no relationship with her bio Mom.  They divorced right before I met her Dad.

Fast forward to 7 years later, she has disowned her Dad because he won't divorce me.  She has two kids under the age of 3 and we can never see them again.  She left her Dad's house as soon as we started dating, citing "her Dad as her best friend" and she didn't agree with the choices he was making with his life (ie, dating me).

I try not to take anything personally with her, she has a pattern of unstable relationships with friends, teachers and most of her family members except an older sister who is currently her flying monkey (we'll see how long that lasts, they go through periods of being "best friends" then enemies).

Really feel for you and I get what you're going through.  Hang in there, it does get better (ie, they move out!).

b
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pursuingJoy
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« Reply #2 on: May 07, 2021, 11:53:07 AM »

I can relate, but as a bio mother of kids (16, 17 and 20) who hate their stepdad and demand that I divorce him. They ignore him and show the same signs of contempt. At the moment, two (17 and 20) are saying I've never loved them and the only way they would ever feel loved by me is if I divorced their stepdad. They demand that I choose them or my husband. Takes a mountain of emotional intelligence and self control to maintain a steady response of 'I love you both.' Sometimes when I'm alone, I just cry. It's pretty tough.

It's draining. I'm so sorry we're all going through this but I'm gonna be honest, I'm glad I'm not alone. Do you ever hope that maybe this is a phase and they'll come around?

My kids have long had a rocky relationship with their dad, even though that's where they choose to live most of the time. He's hurt them and they've had long conversations with me, for years, about how manipulative and neglectful he is. I wonder sometimes how different this might be if they were bonded with their bio dad. Maybe it's too painful to process the pain he's caused, so they've focused on their stepdad as a scapegoat, just because he's there and represents all men? I know their dad gets a pass for behaviors that their stepdad does not, and some of that just has to do with bonding and bio-connection.

I found an article the other day on the art of disengaging as a stepparent. It defines where we are as a couple/family. My husband has hung on to this idea for too long that he would make up for the bad their dad had done, that he would be a 'real' parent to them. He would offer unsolicited guidance and try to parent them, but they weren't receptive, so he'd try even harder. The disengaging means releasing all of that, just letting go. It's hard for everyone but it's often the best way to preserve sanity until (or IF) something else can develop.

Politics have played a huge role in our conflicts, and the pandemic has created a pressure cooker at home.

My husband and I are seeing a blended family counselor, and we've set up a family session for next Friday for whoever wants to come. I honestly don't know what else to do. Some of this feels like we have to ride the wave.

Just know you're not alone. I've got to believe this is going to get better, somehow.
« Last Edit: May 07, 2021, 12:05:20 PM by pursuingJoy » Logged

   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
beatricex
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 547


« Reply #3 on: May 07, 2021, 10:58:04 PM »

hi pursingjoy,

Really did not expect anyone out there to hear me.  Sometimes I feel as if I'm shouting into a glass bottle, which I throw into the ocean...it bobs up and down...and maybe like years down the road, someone will pen me a letter back.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Anyway, thank you for responding.

How did the therapy session go?  It's next Friday night, right?

My husband struggles every day with not getting to see his grandchildren.  I know this has nothing to do with me, and I am going to stay strong for him.  I am going to do this because I love him. I don't have kids of my own, so my stepkids are my kids.  Might sound weird, but that's all I got.

As far as does it get better?  How the hell do I know?  Well, put it this way, if they're narcissitc not borderline, no.  If borderline, I guess maybe? 

I gave up on therapists a longggg time ago.  I think they're OK for directing one when they are first starting on a journey, but I divorced my parents when I was in my mid 30's because my Mom is BPD'd.  I think I can probably write that book.  I can write the footnotes.  I can direct the movie.  LOL So I don't need to read a book telling me about what's going to happen next, cause I already know.  In my experience, this is what therapists do.  Hey - have you heard about that book?  Walking on eggshells?  The only therapist that helped me, btw, was a hypnotherapist, finally the nighly nightmares about my parents killing me stopped.  Those were real, and that is a real artifact of trauma.  Actually, probably the ones before that helped too, really hard to say.  I think trauma is cumulative, and so is the healing from it.  We take baby steps towards healing, and we heal in baby steps.  My step daughter won't even take one step.  Why I have such a problem with her.

My husband, thankfully I suppose, does not know what happens next.  Ugly, that's what it is.

b

« Last Edit: May 07, 2021, 11:04:15 PM by beatricex » Logged
Kaylynn

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: married
Posts: 8


« Reply #4 on: May 08, 2021, 08:05:45 AM »

Thanks so much for replying @pursuingJoy and @beatricex. It is so good knowing I'm not alone. I honestly know no one (besides you two now!) in the same situation as myself.

@pursuingJoy...
"Do you ever hope that maybe this is a phase and they'll come around?"

I have hoped for this as I'm a very optimistic person. I believe in the human soul and the Holy Spirit to bend toward love, but I've about given up hope.

Your situation is very similar and my heart aches for you too. My own daughter told me the same thing when I married my DH and pulled away for a few years. She was adopted at 6 mos. and is now 22 yo. We suspect she has had some attachment issues and years back I went to a therapist who specialized in reactive attachment disorder who helped me navigate those painful years between 13-18. You're right that it takes a mountain of emotional intelligence! She has now come back around and loves the heck out of me! I guess I get hope from that experience now.

Do you have a link to that article you mentioned? Would love to read it.

@beatrice, I would encourage you not to give up hope on therapists. They're definitely not perfect and there are a lot of duds. It took me a while to find the right person, but I found EMDR therapy has been incredibly helpful.

Sorry you don't get to see your grandchildren...that's tough. Interesting that you mention your SD's sibling who is her "flying monkey."  My SD's younger brother is becoming that for her. She is always bossing him around and having him do her chores for her. I read an article earlier this week where the psychiatrist/author said a BPD's mantra is 'never do for yourself what you can have someone else do for you.'

Thanks again for your posts...glad to know I'm not alone.


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pursuingJoy
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« Reply #5 on: May 10, 2021, 11:57:17 AM »

Thanks for sharing your story about your daughter coming back around. It's important for kids to go through a season of seeing their parents flaws and individuating, kind of pushing against the system, as a way of really coming into their own. I'm trying to trust that this is all part of the process. Dang they say some hateful things though.

I have hoped for this as I'm a very optimistic person. I believe in the human soul and the Holy Spirit to bend toward love, but I've about given up hope.

In my head, I try to untangle hope and radical acceptance, or simply accepting what IS, today. Today, they reject me. Today, there is tension. Today, there is anger and hurt and frustration. It just IS. I don't have to fight it, be angry or anxious. I can listen. I can process my own emotions responsibly. I can ask for what I need and take care of myself without guilt.

Hope leaves room for change in the future.

Hope without radical acceptance leaves you anticipating the future in a state of constant anxiety, always feeling like there's more you can do or should have done.

Radical acceptance without hope might tend towards closing a person off permanently.


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   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
Kaylynn

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: married
Posts: 8


« Reply #6 on: May 12, 2021, 08:04:31 AM »

Well as we feared, my SDs therapist diagnosed her with BPD after a grueling session yesterday. Apparently she spent the hour sharing her disgust of me and blaming everything on me. My husband was so sad yesterday, as he has never wanted to believe she was BPD. He’s grieving her future, the work she will need to do to live with this, and the possibility that she may not want to do the hard work. It was really hard to watch and also relieving to grieve together. She hasn’t communicated with him in almost two weeks now. All over me asking her to move her laundry basket out of the middle of the hallway into her room. But We all know that’s not the real reason. Sigh...
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pursuingJoy
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« Reply #7 on: May 17, 2021, 11:30:22 AM »

Kaylynn, I'm so sorry. I've been wondering how you've been doing. I couldn't jump on the site for a few days, seemed to be a connection issue.

Oh the heartache, although a diagnosis often comes with a measure of relief, too. Any news since you posted 5 days ago?

Our family session on Friday went as badly as it could have. Before the session, my girls texted me to say they didn't want their stepdad there. Normally I would have folded, but I felt like it was really important to push back a little. My husband appreciated that I called him before responding to their request - it sent him the message that we're in this together, something he hasn't always felt.

He had a Dr.'s appointment right before counseling so he suggested that I could take the first 30 minutes with them, then he would join us. It seemed reasonable, it gave everyone agency, and my kids agreed.

About an hour before the appointment, they said they wanted time alone with the counselor first. That was my first clue that they were in defense mode. When they arrived, they walked past me without acknowledgement. As I waited for my husband in the waiting room I discovered that the walls were SO thin. I heard most of what they said - pretty awful insults hurled.

When we joined they were a little more reserved. Husband did apologize for hurtful things he'd said, but when they accused him of something false, he pushed back and they said, "see! all he does is deny it happened!" The counselor challenged them not to catastrophize or make assumptions about what other people were thinking.

I am now the 'passive bystander with a long history of abusive boyfriends who can't imagine life without her husband,' the counselor is 'a joke,' and they refuse to speak to my H. Last week I was told I'm codependent and abused, because what else could explain my refusal to divorce him the moment they demanded it?

I was a single mom for 9 years and dated 3 people during that time, only 2 of which ever had any contact with them. I make my own money. I was fine on my own, and I would be again. I love and enjoy my husband (most of the time Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)) and I want a life with him. His mom has BPD, he had/has poor boundaries, he cusses too much, and he suppresses anger that comes out in passive aggressive behavior. He's a very loving, intense, engaged, driven person. He adores his kids. At first he put a lot into being a great stepdad, but when his efforts weren't appreciated, resentment set in and he lost patience with my kids. Just in the past 2-3 months, he's finally let it go and disengaged and found a measure of peace, something he should have done years ago.

Sorry to vent, but thank you for reading. People that understand are in short supply.

The good news, as far as I know, is that your SD received a diagnosis early AND she is still in development. BPD is treatable, and yes, it does require her to buy in. People change so much between the years of 17-25.

How are YOU? Is your H adjusting and coming around? Has this affected the other 4 kids?
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   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
Kaylynn

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: married
Posts: 8


« Reply #8 on: May 18, 2021, 02:50:46 PM »

After 2.5 weeks of not seeing my SD, I actually feel a sense of freedom. However today she had her weekly session with her therapist and her dad joined at her therapist's suggestion.

Of course the whole discussion was about how unreasonable I am and that I am NOT her mother. She refused to (isn't able to?) believe that I may not be the problem.

The therapist said a couple of times that SD is not able to process information yet that would help her understand (which means info about her mom being BPD and also breaking up their marriage with an affair.) They are going to have a few more sessions before calling a family session with all of us together.

I told my H that I don't want to be around her for a while and that I will probably go elsewhere if she comes over. I need space and she triggers so much past trauma for me. That just about broke his heart as he wants peace so badly. But I just can't anymore...

Sounds like your family session was super challenging. I bet you feel ganged up on and really weary.

I'm hopeful that over the next 10 years my SD will mature and start to see things as they are. I don't want to be her mom...just want a kind relationship.

I suggested to my H that we read through the BPD books that the therapist recommended and talk about them together as a way to be proactive and to bring us on the same page. I hope we do.
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pursuingJoy
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« Reply #9 on: May 18, 2021, 04:12:13 PM »

I told my H that I don't want to be around her for a while and that I will probably go elsewhere if she comes over. I need space and she triggers so much past trauma for me. That just about broke his heart as he wants peace so badly. But I just can't anymore...

I know how your husband feels, but also want to reassure you that it's ok for you to prefer not to be around her. Your husband needs a little time to grieve and take all this in. Space from her doesn't have to be a big dramatic thing. It can be a practical necessity and good emotional management. Would you stay in a hotel, or do you want to find things to keep yourself out and about during the day?

It's all so awkward and counterintuitive, isn't it? Not what I thought would happen with my family, that's for sure.

Might take your H a bit to come around to reading a book and taking in more information. He's likely overwhelmed with the diagnosis. Mine won't read a whole book. If I read about a particular concept, he's open to discussing it. He is more receptive if I keep a positive or hopeful tone. My H and I both become resistant to talking about our kids when the non-bio parent starts to come across as constantly negative (even when we, the bio-parent, can admit that their negativity is merited).

Yeah, I'm worn out. I work out quite a bit and I've started hot yoga, just because I'm trying to practice being in the present moment. I'm working hard not operate from a place of fear or anxiety.

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   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
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