It wasn’t until I read Aspergirls
https://www.amazon.com/Aspergirls-Empowering-Females-Asperger-Syndrome/dp/1849058261/ref=asc_df_1849058261/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312132020328&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=12638995229130688387&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=t&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9032610&hvtargid=pla-436570250341&psc=1a few years ago that I recognized that many of the issues I had growing up and into adulthood had gone unrecognized due to Asperger syndrome being described in the literature as more relevant to males.
Like you, I learned to cover and adapt. And in doing so, I learned how to successfully fit in and avoid circumstances that can be distressing for me, like big parties where I know no one. One side benefit of the lockdown is that these events are not occurring in my social circle. The only way I can comfortably navigate big parties is to utilize the skills I learned when I worked as a reporter and start “interviewing” fellow partygoers. It allows me to endure the experience feeling less stressed, but still at an emotional cost.
So you understand that due to your mental makeup, accommodations need to be made so that you can thrive. And you realize it’s the same with your husband. He has acting out behaviors that he doesn’t seem motivated to understand or control.
You have an advantage because you’re good at focusing your mind and are inspired to learn and grow. People with BPD have an unstable self image and the idea of change is frightening to them. Most are very reluctant to either seek therapy or pursue it to the point where it actually makes their lives easier.
So where does that leave you? You are already working on strengthening your boundaries. I would suggest you learn how to “thicken your skin” so his insults and unkind words just roll off without leaving a mark.
When I first started doing that I felt like I was being selfish or narcissistic, insults that BPD people, including my mom and former husband, had leveled at me to get me to bend to their will. Now that I’ve been doing that for a while, if my husband accuses me of being self absorbed, I heartily agree with a laugh. It’s really defused any potential insult and has made our lives almost conflict-free.
If you don’t get upset by his behavior, he’s likely to do it less. As you’ve mentioned, he expects you to process his emotions, and people with BPD and their permeable boundaries, will project their emotions onto you, displace their anger towards others onto you, and as some here often say, vomit their emotions onto you.
If you can put on your psychic raincoat and hold your umbrella, you will stay safe and dry from his outbursts.