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Author Topic: MC used the A word - what next?  (Read 836 times)
Notwendy
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« Reply #30 on: May 17, 2021, 08:15:10 PM »

Max, if you need lists and definitions of verbal abuse, a good source is Patricia Evan's Verbally Abusive Relationship book. It's written with the man as the abuser, but you know it can be any gender.

Your MC doesn't want to waste any more of your time and money. She has decided that MC is not going to be helpful for the two of you. For any therapy to work, the person has to be honest, capable of self reflection and willing to let someone advise them. I think you know this is not your wife.

If therapy isn't working, ACA isn't likely to either. To "work the steps" requires the same kind of self reflection and willingness to work at change. If someone has disordered thinking- takes victim perspective no matter what- then ACA or any other program would be filtered through this kind of thinking. ACA does delve into childhood in order to identify sources of issues, but it isn't about not living in the present. Blaming, taking victim perspective are not part of it. But someone who tends to do this might see it that way.

My guess is that you will let go of your wife changing when you feel there's little hope that anything you do can make her decide to change.  If that were to happen you could then focus on your own care and your children- even if you choose to stay with her, you stop trying to fix her and then shift the focus on to you and the kids. This may be what they call radical acceptance.



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Rev
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« Reply #31 on: May 18, 2021, 12:26:24 PM »

Max, if you need lists and definitions of verbal abuse, a good source is Patricia Evan's Verbally Abusive Relationship book. It's written with the man as the abuser, but you know it can be any gender.


www.humanservices.alberta.ca/documents/PFVB1100-men-abused-by-women-booklet.pdf

Here's another resource specifically for men from Alberta, Canada.

Rev
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formflier
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« Reply #32 on: May 18, 2021, 02:23:04 PM »

.
Your MC doesn't want to waste any more of your time and money. She has decided that MC is not going to be helpful for the two of you. For any therapy to work, the person has to be honest, capable of self reflection and willing to let someone advise them. I think you know this is not your wife.
 

Hey Max,

This is the crux of my idea/recommendation.  I would like you to hear this directly from your wife's therapist and/or your wife.  Explicitly.  No more beating about the bush.

We are working on X in therapy, it's likely that we see Y change over the next coming period of time.  It would be helpful if you would do A, when she does B while at home...a focus point of our therapy is that she does C instead of B.  However, it's likely that she will do B from time to time, even with our best efforts.


Something like that is what I hope you hear and honestly, I think it's "as least as likely as not"...given your wife's openness.

If you are explicitly asking for this and your wife's T and/or your wife are explicitly saying no, that's still useful information for you (even though incredibly disappointing)

You very well may decide to "stay", even with bad news from her T and or refusal to cooperate.  But you will know..explicitly...no assumptions.  

Plus...let's assume you stay, let's assume you are not welcome with her therapy and let's assume a year from now she wants to try (fill in blank) because it will solve all your r/s problems.  You will have a built in way to quickly understand her commitment to looking at herself...or to find out if she wants to fix Max..to fix herself.

Thoughts?

Best,

FF



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