Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 06:01:20 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Depression = 72% of members
Take the test, read about the implications, and check out the remedies.
111
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Bringing up attachment theory  (Read 363 times)
Hope4Joy
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 82


« on: February 09, 2021, 04:05:14 PM »

Hello, I haven’t been here in a while because it was overwhelming and depressing thinking there could be a giant elephant in my relationship that may never be resolved. Anyway, I just finished the book Attached and found it very enlightening. I definitely have an avoidant attachment and my husband is definitely anxious. We are definitely in the anxious avoidant trap. Hearing more depth about my avoidant tendencies immediately opened my eyes to see my husband in new light. I want to bring this up to him. I thought I would show him a diagram of the anxious avoidant cycle and see if he agrees that it describes our relationship. From there I could bring up the book. The thing is I’m terrified that he will shoot it down. He wants me to solve our relationship problems, but refuses any therapy and doesn’t even really want me to read relationship books. Did anyone bring attachment theory up to a spouse? How do they take it?

For me I think this is as impactful as the 5 love languages, which he did listen to me summarize several years ago and has agreed it has some merit.
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #1 on: February 11, 2021, 08:13:34 AM »


Why don't you kinda go through what you think the conversation will be like with us and perhaps that will help you feel more comfortable

You know...I'm curious to know more about the love languages talk.  What changed in your relationship after you discussed this with your husband?

When you step back and observe your hubby...what looks different about him after the love languages talk.

Best,

FF
Logged

Hope4Joy
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 82


« Reply #2 on: February 23, 2021, 02:59:23 PM »

Good idea. I think for the conversation to go well I have to catch him at the right time. I have to begin it the right way..setting an intention of improving the relationship. I’ll have to ask him to bear with me and be kind in response because I know he thinks I read into things too much, but that I think what I found is as important as the love languages. Then show him the anxious avoidant trap and that we seem to differ from the “normal” gender roles. Hopefully he agrees it represents us. I will tell him I listened to Attached and it changed my outlook on him and hopefully he has noticed some recent change in my behavior. I don’t think I can summarize it as well as I can the love languages and I would really like him to listen to it.

The love languages conversation was several years ago. I remember the conversation going pretty good and him agreeing with it overall. He does feel like it’s unfair that I need acts of service “in trade” of physical touch though.  He does seem to think I think too much of it now tho possibly like if he sees me talking with friends about it he might say something afterwards. So...I might just hear crap about attachment theory for the rest of my life also...
Logged
rum2020

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 25


« Reply #3 on: February 23, 2021, 03:22:41 PM »

You are awesome! To have the courage to have these conversations with someone with BPD who can be so invalidating and have the maturity to learn and evolve to have a healthy relationship with someone. I really hope that conversation goes well and you can see some improvement. I haven't read Attachment yet but will have to soon since insecure attachment styles play such a heavy role in these kinds of relationships. I definitely feel where you were at when you said "overwhelming and depressing thinking there could be a giant elephant in my relationship that may never be resolved". Good luck!
Logged
Hope4Joy
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 82


« Reply #4 on: February 23, 2021, 05:01:35 PM »

Thank you rum2020. I’m too tired of years of struggle and we have a young child now so it’s time to get this relationship in a place where it’s healthy for us all.
Logged
Hope4Joy
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 82


« Reply #5 on: May 18, 2021, 05:31:50 PM »

UPDATE: I got access to Hold Me Tight - Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love from the E-library. The first conversation is basically attachment theory and it is much gentler than the book Attached. We had the first conversation about a week ago and hubby agreed it was very accurate. I emphasized my own avoidant nature and how it comes from my relationship with my mother. We just had a big episode where he mentioned how my book reading obviously isn’t helping so I’m not sure if I can make it through the rest of the conversations ever (at least not with the book in front of me).

Praising God for His timing in revealing the right books and timing for a conversation.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!