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Author Topic: Not sure what to do next  (Read 515 times)
trip256

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
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« on: June 11, 2021, 11:37:11 AM »

Hi, three months ago I left the house. I came home after work to see my husband behaving 'low'--glassy eyed, low motor functioning, overall very down. This is a typical behavior for him over the past year. Covid restrictions have been hard on him. While I was giving him a hug and reassurance he opened an app on his phone which showed a selfie he sent to someone. They had responded 'mm those lips.' When I asked him what this was he didn't have a response. I asked if he was cheating on me and he said no. I pressed further, and still no answer, so I stated I needed to leave for the night to give myself some space. He started to lay on the bed and yell, then follow me around the house. Finally he grabbed my bag hanging around my arm with one hand, and had a knife in the other stating that if I left I would find his dead body when I got home. I told him I would call for help if that's the case but I cannot be responsible for that. After an hour of texts where he threatened his life and the dog’s, I called the cops for a well visit. This was the third time in a year he has threatened knives. He has destroyed a tv, computer, phone, car fob, a wall, a lap, smashed a chair, tossed a couch, all in rage in the past. There have been many incidents which led to me leaving--I already had an escape bag packed in my car for a few months.

Since then, it's been a roller coaster ride. It was always a roller coaster, but now that I’m not home it's different and challenging to figure out next steps. I left for my safety. Talking with my therapist I see the patterns of behavior which were emotionally abusive, how he is manipulative, patterns of gaslighting. In some ways this has been very useful to reinforce that this isn’t my fault. However, I now am questioning my reality--do I love him or am I just codependent and benefit from his neediness? Is he truly better? Am I making it worse? What is real, what is safe, what is right, I just don’t know. Furthermore, the longer I am away from the house, the easier it is for me to stay away. I am fortunate to have a close family and network of support. I would be moving home solely for him/for us, and I’m not sure which it is. I promised him I would come home and try to make this work, but everytime I think about it, I feel this sick pit in my stomach. When I try to explain it to him, he often feels worse, that I think of him as a monster, that it is all his fault--a total blame cycle.

We also have good days together. It's not all bad. We will go for dinner, or a walk, and have a pleasant time. He will be reflective, tell me that he is doing everything he can to get better. At the moment I believe him, but then I go home and reflect--meeting with a therapist every other week doesn’t feel like enough when I meet with one every week, journaling and mindfulness is well and good, but he still will have days where he talks to me from a place of hurt instead of understanding. He claims he is drinking less, but he is still drinking regularly.

My close friends and family are at a point where they are scared for me to be alone with my husband. I don’t think he would actually harm me, but their fears are hard to brush off.

I recognize his struggles and his pain. I know he is sick. I love him and care about him, but at the same time, I will not sacrifice my own life to make him feel somewhat whole. I cannot do that. I just don’t know what to do, how do I help myself while being there for him. It has been three full months, will he ever recover from the hurt feelings of abandonment? Do we have a future?
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formflier
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« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2021, 10:47:43 AM »


Welcome

I am so glad that you found us and posted!

  I left for my safety. 

Solid job on putting a high value on your safety.

You are asking the right questions.  As I looked through your questions I had to wonder if "he thinks he is sick".

How does he address that?

I'll keep an eye out for your response.

Best,

FF
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #2 on: June 12, 2021, 12:12:11 PM »

While I’m glad you have a good support network of family and friends, I think it important to heed their concerns for your wellbeing. I say this as a former victim of domestic violence. I thought I could handle whatever happened with my former husband, but looking back, there were many incidents where I could have been seriously injured or even killed, had things turned out differently.

I would suggest you take the Mosaic assessment to determine your level of safety in this relationship:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304172

It’s good that you are questioning the future of your relationship and wondering how things will turn out without his full commitment to therapy and sobriety. What you’ve recently experienced is a good predictor of what the future holds should he not devote himself to therapeutic change.

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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Ventak
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To find out what I want, I look at what I do.


« Reply #3 on: June 12, 2021, 12:49:11 PM »

While I am only a sample of one...

Up to March 4th I would have sworn my BPDw would never do anything to hurt our children.  On March 5th, after choking me and tearing my clothes off while I was holding our 2.5 year old twins, she pushed me down a stair while I was trying to get to the safety of a neighbor.  Our son hit his head on the corner of a shelf.  One inch to the right and he would have lost an eye...

On December 31st, she came at me with a knife in her hand, she has destroyed a lot of electronic equipment including my work phone and laptop, so your story resonates.

Please keep yourself safe.
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trip256

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« Reply #4 on: June 14, 2021, 09:03:58 AM »

He acknowledges he is sick, often reminding me that I made a vow in sickness and in health. He was formally diagnosed with GAD and depression. He was prescribed lexapro, was too afraid to take it, and then started taking Gabapentin (prescribed 3 times a day, but currently only taking it at night). He does meet with a therapist every other week as well. He wants to make this marriage work. He cannot think beyond his own pain, so he has a hard time understanding how his actions, all done because of his own self-hatred and sadness, affects me. When I verbalize that, it just gets him upset, claiming his feelings aren't valid and that he has to be stone-faced until I move home. That language makes me nervous, that he will present himself in a certain way just so I will feel comfortable again...but then what.

It feels to me as if he knows he is sick, but sees his sickness as a reason to legitimize his behavior. He wants sympathy and forgiveness because 'this isn't who he is.' The challenge is, he says he cannot be better/happy until I move home, and I don't feel like moving into a sad, hurt space is a safe choice for me. A chicken/egg problem in a lot of ways.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #5 on: June 14, 2021, 11:25:53 AM »

Mental health issues don’t give an individual carte blanche to behave abusively, destroy property, and threaten harm to your animals and himself.

Talk is cheap. He claims this isn’t who he is, then let him prove it, through intensive therapy and a commitment to sobriety
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
formflier
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« Reply #6 on: June 14, 2021, 12:14:37 PM »

It feels to me as if he knows he is sick, but sees his sickness as a reason to legitimize his behavior. 

Very wise of you to see this...

How does he explain his non-compliance with his doctors orders?

Best,

FF
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Vincenta
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« Reply #7 on: June 14, 2021, 10:45:09 PM »

Dear Trip,

How are you today?
 : Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

I have been in many almost similar situations like you.
But never choked. That is an extremely, extremely!  alarming  sign.

In my case - once the violence ( far less what you have experienced, but yet violence indeed) started, it did not stop- no, it only got worse.

The time in- between might have been even regarded as very peaceful/ ‘ happy’ ...although it was not really at all.
Deep down I was nervous and anxious and sad all the time.

Now, looking back - I honestly think that he might have had killed me couple of times by ‘ accident’. . Lucky to be alive still.

At work he could stay cool, is still probably extremely successful - at home/ with me often the Mr Hyde was at present.

Most likely he did not really want to kill or hurt me, but completely lost any impulse control.
And that was exactly the most horrendous part of it. 
There can be no trust! Anything could suddenly trigger that violent mood.

It might be only few minutes... Few minutes that might cost your life, your health, your pet’s life...and his life, in prison.

There are several studies in US and  EU indicating a strong connection between violent crimes and BPD. We know also that about 70 % of BPD sufferers probably  suffer also from other Personal Disorder ( NPD, APD...) and/ or ADD, or autism, or addictions. All of those might impact on impulse control, too.

Dear Trip, think about it and please take it very seriously.

Please stay safe.  Way to go! (click to insert in post)
Have you seen the Safety Plan already on these site?

Please seek help at your nearest shelter, also for your pets.

And keep on posting here.
We are here for you. You are not alone!

Many hugs
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Vincenta
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« Reply #8 on: June 14, 2021, 11:28:49 PM »

Hi Trip,

Sorry - Instead is ‘ choking’ I should have talk about the threats with a knife! Really sorry!
Anyway, the concern of my previous message is still valid.
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trip256

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 4


« Reply #9 on: June 15, 2021, 07:47:30 AM »

Thank you all so much for these notes of support. I've been looking over these posts for a few weeks now just getting information, thank you for your messages.

He doesn't view his medication strategy as non-compliance--he believes he is taking really big steps for us and is doing some really scary things. The full medication is too much, perhaps even unnecessary in his eyes. I have not pushed the medication route, he is very resistant to considering it, and based on what I'm reading, medication doesn't seem to necessarily help much if he is truly struggling with BPD.

I find whenever I try to communicate with him at the moment, it escalates. He is seeking 'validation' that his feelings of abandonment are true, a promise that I will come home, and that everything will be ok. He wants credit for all of the work he is putting in. I'm afraid my responses come across as critical and not supportive (things like recognizing he is doing good work, but more is needed). I know I am tired and have limited patience, but I also know that if my capacity is limited his must be exponentially so.
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Ventak
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To find out what I want, I look at what I do.


« Reply #10 on: June 15, 2021, 10:36:31 AM »

He doesn't view his medication strategy as non-compliance--he believes he is taking really big steps for us and is doing some really scary things. The full medication is too much, perhaps even unnecessary in his eyes. I have not pushed the medication route, he is very resistant to considering it, and based on what I'm reading, medication doesn't seem to necessarily help much if he is truly struggling with BPD.

Not saying that you are doing anything wrong, or that medication would make a huge difference for him... but I wouldn't discount the benefit of the medication.  My BPDw dropped her meds 8 months ago and the difference for her was night and day.  Or rather it was the difference between occasional episodes, to frequent episodes and escalating violence.

As I understand the technical details.  Medicine doesn't directly affect BPD.  However, it can directly affect the amount of stress a person feels.  BPD episodes are directly reflective of current stress levels in their frequency and severity.

The best explanation I've read for the layman:  Imagine that emotions range on a scale from 0-100.  All humans lose their ability to think, behave, and talk rationally the closer their emotional state gets to 100.  A "normal" person will have a baseline emotional level in the range of 0-20.  A BPD person will have a baseline emotional level in the range of 30-60.  So something fairly minor that would take a "normal" person from say 10 to 20 on this scale, would take someone with BPD from 50 to 60, and 60 can be frightening...  Taking this model into account, the medicine might reduce the baseline emotional state for the BPD person down from 30-60 to 20-50.  For some, that becomes a HUGE difference, for others not so much.

Hope this helps, and isn't too confusing.
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formflier
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« Reply #11 on: June 15, 2021, 11:12:05 AM »


He doesn't view his medication strategy as non-compliance--he believes he is taking really big steps for us and is doing some really scary things. The full medication is too much, perhaps even unnecessary in his eyes. 

So..his doctors approved his meds to be used "as needed" by him? 

Best,

FF

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