BPD mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My mom has never been diagnosed (she refuses to see a doctor or therapist) but she seems to fit the criteria for BPD and therapists I have seen have suggested that is what she has. I'm home visiting them right now (I'm in my mid 20s, live with my boyfriend in another state) and it's been 2 days and already there is so much drama. She misinterprets the things I say, acts as though things are black and white, blames me for things, tries to guilt trip me frequently, and her emotions just flip flop one second to the other. She's also constantly yelling at my dad. I'm honestly not sure how to interact with her that will make for a positive visit for both of us. I set a boundary with her and she did NOT take it well. It's kind of a problem because I have my own mental health stuff to deal with, my anxiety is through the roof just being around her. I love her but it's hard to have a good relationship sometimes.

[princessveri]

My mom has never been diagnosed (she refuses to see a doctor or therapist) but she seems to fit the criteria for BPD and therapists I have seen have suggested that is what she has. I'm home visiting them right now (I'm in my mid 20s, live with my boyfriend in another state) and it's been 2 days and already there is so much drama. She misinterprets the things I say, acts as though things are black and white, blames me for things, tries to guilt trip me frequently, and her emotions just flip flop one second to the other. She's also constantly yelling at my dad. I'm honestly not sure how to interact with her that will make for a positive visit for both of us. I set a boundary with her and she did NOT take it well. It's kind of a problem because I have my own mental health stuff to deal with, my anxiety is through the roof just being around her. I love her but it's hard to have a good relationship sometimes.

[pursuingJoy]

princessveri, it's been a few days since you posted. How did the visit go? Are you home with your bf now?

From what you shared it does seem likely that your mom exhibits BPD behaviors. What boundary did you set and how did she respond?

We're glad you're here. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I'm hopeful that the distance offers some relief?

[Koala323]

@princessveri

I'm so sorry you're going through this; your experience is so relatable!  I can't stay at home for the holidays for more than a couple days, and I've found the best way to make it work for me now is to make plans outside of the house every day and tell my mom those plans are for 4 hours even though it's really only for 2, which buys me 2 hours of alone time to rest up and recuperate before going in for another round.

The reason those boundaries are important is because they're constantly violated.  Keep it up - it's hard now, but setting boundaries will help you in the future, and it will feel like the pressure valve lets up on you when your boundary works down the line.  Also, you mentioned how it's extra hard given your own mental health.  It's so important that you prioritize your mental health - relationships with BPD parents are built around us having solid boundaries and being able to sufficiently take care of our own health, in whatever way we need.

Also, it helps me to remember that my being home is a choice you make, and a privilege - not a right or a guarantee.  If your mom can't respect your boundaries, the consequence is you won't be able to come home.

I love my mom too, so much.  It's hard.  Thinking of you.

[pursuingJoy]

If your mom can't respect your boundaries, the consequence is you won't be able to come home.

100% agree. I believe this for me and my mom, and I believe it for me and my kids.