Things you can never say to a pwBPD

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I thought it would be good to have a few laughs and start a lighthearted thread to talk about things that if said, to a pwBPD, would elicit a nuclear meltdown.

Here’s mine:

Of course I love you. Who else could tolerate you?

[Cat Familiar]

I thought it would be good to have a few laughs and start a lighthearted thread to talk about things that if said, to a pwBPD, would elicit a nuclear meltdown.

Here’s mine:

Of course I love you. Who else could tolerate you?

[Baglady]

It's not me, it's you...

 
B

[I Am Redeemed]

I need some time for myself.

[GaGrl]

"No."

[Guts42]

Actually that's not what you said, let's roll back the tape!

[Cat Familiar]

It’s always your feelings. What about my feelings?

[Ventak]

So many...

We have different memories.

[ForeverDad]

Why can't you let it go but instead keep bringing it up and demanding another apology every time?

Bonus...

Why do you demand "we are staying up until we fix this tonight" so often?

[Cat Familiar]

Y’all are really nice. My internal dialog is very acerbic.

Don’t you get tired of always having to be a victim?

[LovelyRita50]

Babe, you're overreacting.

[Ozzie101]

Um, you do realize all these things you’re accusing me of doing are things you do, right? You keep getting us mixed up.

You’re an adult, for Pete’s sake. Act like it.

[formflier]

Um...so here is one I've actually used and how I wish I could say it was "years" ago..when I didn't know better.  Probably a year or so ago.

"How about we look up the definition of "projection" together?"

her  "blah blah blah you just want to be right..blah blah"

"Why not figure out right now if "the book" believes I am right?"

the rest pretty much went the way you figured. 

Best,

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

Here's one that I actually made the mistake of saying:

Him: "It just really hurts my feelings that..."(I don't remember what it was, probably something like me loading the dishwasher the way I wanted to do it instead of the way he wanted me to do it)

Me: "Oh, for God's sake, EVERYTHING hurts your feelings!"

[khibomsis]

"Let me convince you with the facts" 

[kells76]

"And who is protecting the kids from YOU?"

[Cat Familiar]

It’s not always about you.

[Cat Familiar]

Grow up, will ya?

[kells76]

Maybe you're the problem.

[Ozzie101]

With extreme sarcasm: Gosh, can you please tell me again about how my family and I have wronged you? I don’t think 50 times is quite enough.

It’s your fault.

[Dad50]

I am pretty new here, but wow it is ridiculous, like there is almost a script. Every single one of these has happened in my relationship. A lot fo them this week.

How about, "Honey, I want to talk about some boundar... (couldn't even get it out)

I need some time to myself tonight ( We've already spent seven hours together)

I'd like to spend a little bit of time with my kids  (Her response has several times been "You're f*&^%ing me not them")

[Cat Familiar]

While maintaining a neutral facial expression, I enjoy saying these things in my internal dialog when I’m short on patience and empathy. It prevents me from saying them out loud 

I think having a healthy sense of humor is vital for navigating a relationship with a BPD partner.

What is amazing to me is that most of these things could be said to an emotionally healthy person in a jocular way and there would be no fallout. Sure some of these phrases might be rude and thoughtless, but a simple apology would take care of any emotional residue should that occur.

But with someone with BPD, a casual unkindness will be catalogued and remembered in perpetuity. So best we say them here, laugh, and refrain from saying them aloud.

Here’s more:
I was initially attracted to your sensitive nature, but geez, you take everything personally.

[Cat Familiar]

Can you just get over it?

What a drama queen!

As if we didn’t have real things to be concerned with!

How long are you going to hang on to that?

[GaGrl]

Here's a really specific one...

 "I'm going back to Fort B_______ for the week. Could you refrain from f***ing your boyfriend on the living room floor so that our 12-year-old daughter won't walk in on your extracurricular activities? Much appreciated."

[Guts42]

Why can't you let it go but instead keep bringing it up and demanding another apology every time?

Bonus...

Why do you demand "we are staying up until we fix this tonight" so often?

Woah!  Going through this right now!  I thought it was just me?

[Cat Familiar]

How many times must I tell you that I ________ (love, appreciate, want you in my life, etc.) before you believe it?

[IntoTheWind]

I said all of these things to my ex while we were breaking up - I knew at the time I should absolutely not say these things to her if we ever wanted to move forward, but I was so exhausted that being painted black by her forever was better (it worked):

• "You're being dramatic about X"
• "You need to take some personal responsibility for the situation that you have created"
• "You're acting like a victim for me moving on when you told me to"
• "I guess I'm the evil villain again, when will my reign of terror end?"

[Ventak]

Okay then go, I won't stop you.

[Ozzie101]

You think everyone really thinks about how best to make you angry every time they do or say something? Do you know how narcissistic that sounds?

The world doesn’t revolve around you.

Sorry, I’m fresh out of emotional bubble wrap for you. Shall I pick up more at the store when I go?

[Sluggo]

Its 2am and we have be talking about this since 11pm, can we discuss this tomorrow I have to wake up in 3 hours. 

Im sorry, I cant stay here with you today, I have to go to work. 

[Cat Familiar]

Don’t you think other people have problems too? Or are you the only victim of life’s inequities?

[I Am Redeemed]

Everyone doesn't have to come to your rescue or defense. Your interpersonal problems are due to your own behavior!

[Couper]

What do you want -- a medal?

[Cat Familiar]

Can’t you set aside your feelings for a minute and think rationally?

[At Bay]

C.F.  Hahaha

Me: You said you wouldn't do that.

Him: You made me say it.

[GaGrl]

"WHAT were you thinking?"

[B53]

I never actually said this, because it’s an understatement to say it would have not gone over well, but thought about it many times, but held my tongue. I’m sure others have said it.

“here we go again”

[Cat Familiar]

Do you have any idea how others see you?

[Sluggo]

here we go again

When there was a blow up ready to happen,  I would sing in my mind the song from Pink Floyd the wall. 'On of my turns coming on '

Then often I would think of the scene from the same movie where the guy just went ballistic started destroying everything in his hotel room while this song was playing.

Sluggo

[GaGrl]

When there was a blow up ready to happen,  I would sing in my mind the song from Pink Floyd the wall. 'On of my turns coming on '

Then often I would think of the scene from the same movie where the guy just went ballistic started destroying everything in his hotel room while this song was playing.

Sluggo

Another brick in the wall...

[formflier]

Well..maybe this is a bit of a thread hijack..but this is something I used to actually say..and from time to time still dream of saying.

When I can tell an old circular argument is coming, along with a well worn "speech"...I've offered to let her relax and I could give her speech for her.

Then of course...the couple times I actually gave the speech...whoohoo...that put some gas on the fire.

Clarity:  I can't think of a single time this ever "helped", although perhaps I felt a big smug after some of them.  Not recommended.


Best,

FF

[B53]

I hope this post continues, it makes me laugh. There were many times I looked at him and wondered if we where in an alternate reality and we were. Sometimes you just have to think WTF and find the humor in something sad. I spent to many times crying, we should occasionally get a little laugh from the absurdity of it all.

[Cat Familiar]

So you think everyone is not “on your side”?

[EyesUp]

Here are some of my genuine, certified, 100% authentic, guaranteed extinction-burst comments.  I've proven they work, so you don't have to...

We have no money this month (January) because you went overboard on gifts for the kids last month, which in fact were gifts for yourself <boom>.

I understand that you feel that I'm always critical, all the time.  Please write down one critical thing I said today.  Or this week.  Or this month.  Or this year <boom>.

Yes, of course you can test drive whatever you want, but no, we will not buy a G-Wagon, Rover, or Escalade <boom>.

No, I will not open a new joint account <ka-boom>.

[gloam]

This is great. So nice to laugh at the absurdity for once.
Here's mine:
"people have better things to do than spy on you."

[Forestrain123]

- All you do is talk about yourself
- Tell someone who cares
- Oops, yep you've already told me that story a million times. I get it you're amazing. Everyone, give her a round of applause.
- You chose to do those things, no one forced you.
- Nothing about that story adds up
- Nah, I'd rather do it this way, thanks anyway.

Could you imagine? LOL this is like therapy.

[Cat Familiar]

Having a pity party again?

[kells76]

Yeah... it's DEFINITELY not your fault (*eyeroll*)

[Ventak]

Okay then, go ahead and leave...  (Destroyed 9.5 years of building trust.  In my defense she had assaulted me 3 hours prior)

[Couper]

You are the architect of all of your problems.

[Sluggo]

Aye aye captain

[Couper]

(Looks at me with crazy eyes and says, "I don't trust you.")

Whaaatever...

[ForeverDad]

After an hour or two bearing the brunt of ranting and raging...
"How could people ever believe I'm the abuser and you're the helpless victim?"

[Cat Familiar]

Jeez! What’s your problem?

[Couper]

If you were a rapper, your stage name would be Cluster B.

[formflier]

If you were a rapper, your stage name would be Cluster B.

Pure gangster!

[Notwendy]

f you were a rapper, your stage name would be Cluster B.




and even produce a hit with the famous band "DSM-5"

[Couper]

"Oh good, I like that one.  That means I'm allowed to use that excuse, too."

[EyesUp]

"You're an anger artist.  You can find a way to create anger anytime, in anything."

[Notwendy]

Just please tell me the truth!


( response: how dare you accuse me of being a liar)

[Cat Familiar]

So that’s OK if you do it, but NOT OK if I do it?

[Ventak]

So that’s OK if you do it, but NOT OK if I do it?

I literally just went through this...  The answer was:  I've told you not to do it.  You've never told me not to do it.

Seriously.

[Cat Familiar]

Along the same lines as the above: what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

[B53]

As, I remember it, “weren’t you the one who broke up with me, broke my heart and walked away. Why do you think I owe you anything?”

There is a song that has a line that goes
“You made your bed, and didn’t want me in it”

[Marianne-11]

Oh boy, this is therapeutic 

- Let’s sit down and have a rational conversation about this.

- Let’s look at actual facts; what we know has really happened.

[ForeverDad]

I'm going to play that Culture Club song again...
"Do You Really Want to Hurt Me, Do You Really Want to Make Me Cry..."

[Couper]

"I called and rescheduled your appointment."

[GaGrl]

"Could you stop at the pharmacy and pick up my prescription? I'm having a flare-up of the STD you gave me. "

[oakland2021]

I'm new here and reading through this thread I already feel so at home. It's a bittersweet feeling.

[once removed]

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