One signature away from divorce and not planning on a party.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Been on this site for a couple years.
  I want to thank you all for the responses and good advice.
I want to thank you for tolerating my emotional turmoil.
  I want to wish all in similar situations gods speed.
    The divorce settlement is signed just waiting for the court to sign off. Amazingly it’s fair and reasonable and I should be relieved and I guess I am.
  I will always feel like I let her down. And that’s just how I was trained to feel. I know logically this is not “all” my fault but it’s so hard to tell  myself to think she is not my blood. She is not my daughter of my sister. She is a person whom I did all I possibly could to try to reason with and help.
  I know it’s not the end. I know she will reach out whenever she Pleases to ask for assistance and or just dump on me.
  That’s ok.   I will always try to help.
    I know I will never feel right again. I know I can never be with any other again. I am too damaged. And that’s ok. I will never try to tell anyone besides what I have said on this site what has happened. They wouldn’t believe it anyway.
   So again, thank you again for making me feel I am not crazy because it’s so obvious I am not alone.
  Good luck to all.

[Goosey]

Been on this site for a couple years.
  I want to thank you all for the responses and good advice.
I want to thank you for tolerating my emotional turmoil.
  I want to wish all in similar situations gods speed.
    The divorce settlement is signed just waiting for the court to sign off. Amazingly it’s fair and reasonable and I should be relieved and I guess I am.
  I will always feel like I let her down. And that’s just how I was trained to feel. I know logically this is not “all” my fault but it’s so hard to tell  myself to think she is not my blood. She is not my daughter of my sister. She is a person whom I did all I possibly could to try to reason with and help.
  I know it’s not the end. I know she will reach out whenever she Pleases to ask for assistance and or just dump on me.
  That’s ok.   I will always try to help.
    I know I will never feel right again. I know I can never be with any other again. I am too damaged. And that’s ok. I will never try to tell anyone besides what I have said on this site what has happened. They wouldn’t believe it anyway.
   So again, thank you again for making me feel I am not crazy because it’s so obvious I am not alone.
  Good luck to all.

[ForeverDad]

    The divorce settlement is signed just waiting for the court to sign off. Amazingly it’s fair and reasonable and I should be relieved and I guess I am.

You found the light at the end of that dark tunnel.  You are now Free to take some deep breaths of fresh air and bask in the sunshine again.

    I know I will never feel right again. I know I can never be with any other again. I am too damaged. And that’s ok. I will never try to tell anyone besides what I have said on this site what has happened. They wouldn’t believe it anyway.

Oh, yes, you will!  And that's a promise.  (...in response to your first three pessimistic sentences.)  Right now you're still in a recovery phase.  That's okay.  Take your time to recover.  And an experienced counselor will be oh so helpful to get you back on your feet, if you don't already have one.

Recovery won't come in a day, a week or a month.  Like so much else, recovery is a process, not an event.  It's okay to lick your wounds, gradually heal, and in time you'll notice that — though you have been deeply wounded emotionally — your life will resume and be better than you expect.

[Ventak]

    I know I will never feel right again. I know I can never be with any other again. I am too damaged. And that’s ok. I will never try to tell anyone besides what I have said on this site what has happened. They wouldn’t believe it anyway.

Goosey, I'm so sorry for your loss.  I know how devastating the journey can be.

A member here recommended CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous, coda.org).  I've just attended my first meeting so can't recommend one way or the other based on experience... but it sounds like you might see benefit from checking it out.

Praying for your recovery.

[B53]

I went to CODA for five years. I met many nice people from all walks of life. Some I still hear from time to time. I was never a big talker, but listening is healing too. Not only was it healing for me, but I got see new people join and watch them heal.

Good luck!

[Sluggo]

  I know I will never feel right again. I know I can never be with any other again. I am too damaged. And that’s ok. I will never try to tell anyone besides what I have

I felt same way for about 4 yrs after divorce.  I gradually healed. 

Sluggo

[Goosey]

Thanks you all.
Apologies for my self defeating attitude.
  I really do look at everything with a grain of salt now. After decades on a hamster wheel trying to cobble together patches on finances and emotions I feel like that John Lennon lyric. I’m just watching the wheels go round and round. No longer riding on the merry go round, I just had to let it go.
     I do try to stay positive, just very reserved.
  Just a fleck of carbon who knows people deserve to be treated politely. Nothing special or extraordinary about existence.
  Anyway all is well. .
   Screw that hamster wheel.

[Goosey]

Next week I should be divorced.
  Just typed and erased a long report on what happened this week. It doesn’t matter. 
  I guess I just have to say I don’t think people with the same disposition as me ever shake free of the damage from a bpd relationship.
 
   I know it’s absolutely useless to try to reason with her.
  I tried everything I could. 
     I miss her. I love her. I fear her. I can’t help her. It’s not my fault. I feel I failed the women I married.
   Next week I may be divorced.
   That removes the threat of more financial damage, yes that is important of course.
    I guess I am saying the pull is strong.
  I haven’t seen this woman in 18 months. I haven’t slept with her in years. I haven’t had a lucid conversation with her in the same amount of time.
  It’s insane I feel so torn. Like I should get divorced and THEN go save her…… I mean I am the crazy one now.
   Why is bpd so damn hard. On everyone. 
   
   
 
   
   

[Goosey]

I realize why there will never be any semblance of basic normalcy between us. I know this from the facts of this disorder.
  I did the thing she feared the most. I pushed away to save myself(don’t feel saved). I get it.
  It’s such a twisted path of pain for her. I get it. I know how I contributed to the final blow. It’s inevitable to happen. Cruel joke of a disorder. She will never forgive me for my actions. Ever.

[Ventak]

Goosey, I'm very concerned for you.  What steps are you taking to care for yourself?  What does your support system look like?

I've been going through similar trauma in my life, and without my psychiatrist, my family, and the compassionate friends from this site I would be lost... Hopefully you have good support.

[Goosey]

After years of this I kinda just shut up and withdrew from  everyone. I mean people have their own lives. They have families and jobs. I see them have retirements and  grand babies and… lives.  
   I make appointments to my therapist then cancel. I know what’s going on with me. . I have been advised the difference between between guilt and empathy. I fall right back to guilt every time.
   It’s like self punishment.  I know it’s stupid and destructive.    
       I know if I went and found her right now to try to talk to her, to tell her I want to help, it would be a huge instant out of control situation.  
     I am not looking for sympathy. And I know I’m preaching to the choir.  
     I want to be angry at someone else for not helping her. I begged her doctor to help me help her. I begged her “new” friends.  I begged her mom and sister to help me have her hospitalized. And I know the limitations on getting that accomplished. It’s almost impossible.  
    So again I sit here  typing my twisted guilt out. And I have no damn idea what she is doing.  I only hear from her when she wants to remind me what “I” have done.
    I’m mad I know she has BPD, I’m mad I know how painful it is for her. If I didn’t know I maybe could just use a typical brush off and dismissal. I know nothing but too much.
  It has consumed me. I really don’t want to talk with anyone for too long. I know where I will end up, talking about this.  It’s not fair to anyone to endure that anymore.
   I somehow made it this far for my daughter. To protect her and support her. Well now she is a young adult. I now try to shut up about it all and let her get on with her life. So what’s the point anymore. It’s so ingrained in me that I should not feel good. That somehow I don’t deserve it because out there somewhere is this person I did this to.
   I know this is stupid. I know better. I do it anyway. I know I have built a wall around myself to stop me from talking about it. I did a good job. I hear from my one sister out west. She has a life also though. It’s just not fair to anyone to waste their time trying to rewire me. Again not looking for sympathy. Just stating  that this is most likely classic codependency I guess. I just manage to do it alone haha.
  

[Sluggo]

Goosey, 

It seems you are trying to do this alone.  Grief shared is divided and better managed. 

Reset that appointment with therapist.  And  call a hotline this morning to just get it out.

I also went to Alanon meetings.  My wife did not drink but I responded in same way.  I could find a meeting any day of week in driving distance by just googling.  I did not have to say anything if I chose not to...  but it helped.

Don't isolate. 

Sluggo
 

[Ventak]

Based on recommendations from this site I have started attending CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) meetings.  I'm not far enough along to know how helpful they may be, but it does provide an outlet other than here for me to express myself.  They have nationwide all virtual groups as well as local groups.  That might be a better forum for you than the ones you have tried so far.

It's interesting that you mention your daughter.  I had a very interesting conversation with my adult daughter yesterday (from a prior marriage, exW had Narcissistic tendencies).  She told me that my letting her know what was going on with my BPDw was extremely helpful for her.  She had felt that I was disappearing from her life and was very hurt by it, and understanding what I have been going through gave her a perspective of understanding that helped her heal.  We also discussed how she was so surprised by my divorce from her mother because we "never fought", and I helped her understand that dynamic some.  Children are generally more in-tune than we give them credit for.

I think it might help your healing to take this as an opportunity to get closer with your daughter.  Start meeting for dinner once a week or some other activity that the two of you have enjoyed in the past.  Let her know that you are hurting and tend towards isolation when that happens... but that you don't want that to affect your relationship.  Ask her if she has any questions for you..  If she does, be honest but don't go into detail and don't use it as an opportunity to vent.  Do you think she would appreciate your taking those steps?

[Goosey]

Honestly she lived the nightmare with me. She was physically attacked during an episode. There was an arrest and years of separation. Just this past week my daughter reached out for assistance with an issue that’s more in tune to a mothers advice. Initially the response was positive and very helpful. I was relieved and hopeful. That quickly devolved and back to the usual.
  The one thing I do have to keep chugging along  for is to just help my daughter return to counseling. But honestly she knows I love her, I feel it’s important for her feel the sunshine for a change. I may just remind her of the past. I really had become security guard in a sense. That’s how insane it was.
  And more honestly I think she is a bit  disgusted that I even grieve over the loss of it all. And that makes me feel even more pity toward my wife internally. And my wife tortures me with the demise of their relationship because of course that’s all my fault somehow.
   I’ll keep quiet as I have bad just try to seem somewhat Normal.

[GaGrl]

When you speak of "my wife tortues..." are you saying you have current contact with her? If so, how do you think that is affecting your ability to move through the grieving process to a better place?

I will say that my husband's relationship with his daughter and granddaughter was crucial in moving him through the estrangement with his then-wife. Nurture that relationship.

Prior to the marriage/divorce, what activities engaged you the most? This is a time for self-esteem and indulging your interests.

And therapy.

And this forum.

[Goosey]

No contact usually. Email if necessary. 
I made the mistake of simply emailing “thank you”.  It was for assistance to our daughter. It just went south from there. It’s obvious it was her opening to start a new relationship with her daughter. I only responded calmly and with advised wording of what I am  (and she is) dealing with. I do understand how she feels abandoned. . I do not point out it’s her doing. I do not ever mention mental illness.  I just agree with the overall situation.
       I do apologize for this thread. I should be past this point. I’m working on a job today so when I’m working Im fine. My mind is grounded in reality and I wonder why I fall right back to misery at her command.
    I’ll get through the final step of divorce. Then comically I’ll have to hustle so much harder to regain a financial cushion that it will keep my mind occupied. 
   Wife will be fine. She probably just email bombs us and then goes on with her day bubbly as ever. I don’t know.

[Cat Familiar]

Grief demands expression. It needs to be experienced. You once loved her and imagined a bright future with her. Things didn’t turn out that way. Now your heart has to catch up with your current circumstances.

Things will get better. It helps to talk with others who’ve been on similar paths.

 
Cat

[Goosey]

Thank you Cat.
   And I know there is no hurrying my grief. As bad as I feel today is a drop in the bucket on my misery one, two, four years ago.
   I know What I am up against. I know I am ill equipped to have the patience and intelligence to handle it.
  I know what I am accused of are  just words that mean nothing.
    I struggle more with the accusation of “abandoning” most of all. I want to explain that if I did what she did I’m sure she would have had me in chains somewhere. but I know explaining is futile. Conversation is futile. The whole situation is futile.
  I know this.
  Just need thicker skin.
Appreciate everyone’s feedback.

[Turkish]

I know what I am accused of are  just words that mean nothing.
  I struggle more with the accusation of “abandoning” most of all.

A person with BPD feels that their feelings and emotions don't matter and are worthless. This translates into a distorted world- view: "therefore, I don't matter and am worthless (and unlovable)." It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as they tend to push loved ones away, most of it unconsciously and unaware.

I think that the words do mean something, just not in the way that you may be thinking. Her accusations are likely lashing out as emotional survival. It's what has worked for her, as dysfunctional as it is.

Separating "who's responsible for what" is very tough, and we've all struggled with this, so I'm glad that you're still sharing here.

Others have given good advice to connect with resources on real life.  

[Goosey]

I think that the words do mean something, just not in the way that you may be thinking. Her accusations are likely lashing out as emotional survival. It's what has worked for her, as dysfunctional as it
[/quote]

    I agree. And this shows how I am unable to express my thoughts. If I had said to her “her words mean nothing “it would be doing exactly what she says I do. . That I think she doesn’t matter. This is the dilemma. Of course I care. I am consumed by the concern and my compassion for her. I just can’t unjumble my message.    Her defense mechanism does work for her, and thank you for stating that. I had read that in the past (many times) but I forget in the heat of the moment . It’s a defense mechanism( I’ll repeat this all day to myself) . 
 

[Goosey]

I care.
I could hire a sky writing plane to etch it above her head.
She wouldn’t process it.
There lies the dilemma.

[Goosey]

And this board is about divorce.
Suprised I didn’t get bounced to another board haha.
   So the divorce is a couple days out.
My honest thoughts.
  Wish it wasn’t happening but in reality we haven’t been together in years. I assume (kinda know) she has new relationships and functions. So I’ll be hopeful it’s another layer of connection stripped off and it will be a positive thing for us both.
   How was that?

[Sluggo]

Wish it wasn’t happening but in reality we haven’t been together in years. I assume (kinda know) she has new relationships and functions. So I’ll be hopeful it’s another layer of connection stripped off and it will be a positive thing for us both.
   How was that?

False hope was the hardest thing for me to shake.  Maybe it will get better, maybe things improve, maybe since I moved out she will miss me and want to get help, maybe we will get back together.  Holding on to that false hope consumed my thoughts.  It was not until I let go of that false hope that I could start looking forward ...than always had my head turned around looking backwards.

So 5.5 years since I left, looking forward, and much happier and thinking of my present and future than what could have been.
 
Sluggo 

[Goosey]

Thanks Sluggo.
You summed it up. Always looking back isn’t helpful.
She isn’t coming back as much as I sometimes hope.
  And honestly I just couldn’t handle it. I found a interesting thread on this site about life coaching. Interesting to see how working to regain some self esteem and confidence may be helpful. Therapy alone may only go so far. Thanks again.

[ForeverDad]

False hope was the hardest thing for me to shake.  Maybe it will get better, maybe things improve, maybe since I moved out she will miss me and want to get help, maybe we will get back together.  Holding on to that false hope consumed my thoughts.  It was not until I let go of that false hope that I could start looking forward ...than always had my head turned around looking backwards.

Accept... Let Go... Move On... Look Forward... to a healthier and functional future!

[Goosey]

It’s right there, I just have to reach out and grab it.
  Thank you all.

[Goosey]

This site saved me. Seriously.

[Cat Familiar]

And you’ve undoubtedly saved others through sharing your experience. We’ve all been through some rough patches. 

[kells76]

Hey Goosey,
Just want to thank you for being real. Shutting people out and building walls as coping mechanisms are both relatable. I've been struggling this week, so you're not alone. I'm thankful you were willing to be vulnerable and post about where you're at.
Looking forward to whenever you post again;
-kells76

[Goosey]

We’ll work is done. Time to ruminate.
  I sat in my truck this morning typing an email to my now ex wife.
  Why? Why didn’t you tell me what was going on with you? I know I screwed up so badly in retrospect with me reactions but I just didn’t understand the pain you are in!   
  I typed and typed and sat there. Then I deleted it.
   I was then pissed at many. Not her. I’m pissed at her therapist I called begging for help and guidance and got nothing.
  I’m pissed at her family for not grouping up  with me to intervene and “save” her.
  I’m pissed at the “skip” hospitals that just shut me out and released her without a hold TWICE! In major mental crisis incidents! .
  I’m pissed at her “new” now gone friends who just bashed me and then seem to be gone.
           Then I’m calm.
  It’s over. And I can’t shake my wanting to save her.
     She emailed me Friday when she was notified to get settlement check. Wasn’t a pleasant exchange.
   I’m so painted black I don’t exist. I understand it’s a coping mechanism now. I just have periodic spasms of wanting to try to explain that I didn’t understand but let me help now!
   I typed and typed but I wouldn’t ask the question I really want a truthful answer to. “Are you diagnosed with bpd?” 
  I just don’t have the nerve.
And I erased it all and tried to work today.
She’s gone from me. She’ll be ok.
Not much else to say.

[Goosey]

Sorry about that post. I’m repeating myself.
Just typing it instead of just living it.
I’ll move forward with the previous advice and thank you.
  This is ridiculous at this point. Ugh.

[Cat Familiar]

 

[kells76]

I think I hear your anger (rage? either is OK) at all those people and institutions that you begged and pleaded with to help you help her, but all you got was a deaf ear as you watched her self-destruct. To me that sounds like it could've been traumatic for you. She was someone you loved, and you never wanted this for her.
You can "repeat yourself" and process and come back to topics and feelings as much as you want and need here. No judgement.
Same from me as from Cat Familiar:
 

[ForeverDad]

Closure... But you're not going to get it from your Ex.  So what to do?  Gift yourself closure.  You did what you could.  But it wasn't enough.  The reality is nothing will ever be enough for her.  No matter what you did in the past or promised in the future would have changed the outcome.

Ponder the Five Stages of Grieving a Loss.  There is denial, anger, bargaining, depression and eventually acceptance.  It was what it was, it is what it is.  You put forth valiant effort, left no stone unturned and yet the marriage still failed.  Not your fault.  Recall the task of Sisyphus was to push a boulder up to the top of a mountain, watch it roll down and then do it all over again every day.

I recall a few who mentioned writing one last letter.  But like you they never sent it.  Some memorialized the sad end by lighting their letter, almost in a ceremony, to Let Go and Move On.

Ponder what you will do in the months and years to come, what you will accomplish, the joys to be treasured...

[Goosey]

Watched a YouTube that was posted on a link today.
 Very “cut to the chase “ stuff. And very long haha.
One point was that codependents are likely to be narcissistic. So then I have to take a silly quiz on google.
  I score “not a narcissist”.
  I’m not Gandhi but not a narcissist according to a site trying to sell me a copper fit bracelet.
   Now if I take a google “clinical depression “ test I am waiting for the padded wagon to pull up out front.
   The Video I speak of was about “final discard”. I was hanging on every word as I usually do when this whole dynamic is laid out to me. The thing I couldn’t figure out is was my last four years with her my “final discard”. Not that it matters.
When did I no longer supply any oxygen for the fire.
  Not that that matters.
   Nothing really matters.  And I don’t think they have padded white ambulances anymore. That’s just bug bunny cartoon stuff.
    No contact. Divorced. She ain’t blocked. I’m an idiot. Jealous I’m stuck being me in this mess. Doing everything wrong. Want to give her a last “told you so” moment. Lost.
  If your new in this dynamic. Get out now.
     

 

 

[Cat Familiar]

How are you feeling today, Goosey?

[Goosey]

Ok and thanks.
Apologies.

 

[Cat Familiar]

  It’s a process. Be kind to yourself. It takes time.

[Goosey]

Just kinda realized I didn’t thank you “forever dad”. Your right about that damn Boulder.
  Down to one pic of my ex I haven’t deleted. It has both my wife and daughter in it.
   Working on it.
   Thank you.