Splitting and Sex

[blackorchid]

Has anyone else experienced this.

Every time my upwBPD splits, rages and dysregulates and moves out, after a couple of weeks he wants to be sex buddies...He doesn't want a relationship with anyone, he's not moving home, but he wants sex with me every day.

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[EyesUp]

In short: Yes. 

It took a while to understand that for my stbxw, sex was just another validation tactic.  At times, she used sex like a reset button, a get out of jail free card, a rug sweep special.

After 14 years of marriage, it was not an easy lesson, but an important one.

[formflier]

, but he wants sex with me every day.

What do you want?   

I would encourage you to think about under what conditions you feel good about yourself (holding to your values around sex) and under what conditions you do not want to have sex with him.

Once that is clarified, we can guide you from there.

Best,

FF

[blackorchid]

In short: Yes. 

It took a while to understand that for my stbxw, sex was just another validation tactic.  At times, she used sex like a reset button, a get out of jail free card, a rug sweep special.

After 14 years of marriage, it was not an easy lesson, but an important one.

How was she using it as validation?

What do you want?   

I would encourage you to think about under what conditions you feel good about yourself (holding to your values around sex) and under what conditions you do not want to have sex with him.

Once that is clarified, we can guide you from there.

FF

Thanks FF, I'm just wondering if others have seen this behaviour

[formflier]

Thanks FF, I'm just wondering if others have seen this behaviour

Yep...I have.

My psychologist has described my wife as "hypersexual" in that often, especially when stressed or out of it, she comes on the hunt for FF.  Usually there have been some really odd things said (how is that for polite?) so I have to navigate my feelings around this.

As things in my relationship have calmed...there has been less and less of this and our sex life is much more "normal" (whatever that is).

So..bottom line, I'm not surprised in the least at what he is doing.  (very different that suggesting what he is doing is healthy for the relationship)

Best,

FF

[blackorchid]

Yep...I have.

My psychologist has described my wife as "hypersexual" in that often, especially when stressed or out of it, she comes on the hunt for FF.  Usually there have been some really odd things said (how is that for polite?) so I have to navigate my feelings around this.

As things in my relationship have calmed...there has been less and less of this and our sex life is much more "normal" (whatever that is).

So..bottom line, I'm not surprised in the least at what he is doing.  (very different that suggesting what he is doing is healthy for the relationship)

Best,

FF

Thank you FF

I just google hypersexuality and BPD
Can bpd cause hypersexuality?...s
For some people, sex relieves feelings of anxiety, worthlessness or depression...some personality disorders, including borderline personality disorder, can cause hypersexuality.

Reading between the lines of everything: wanting sex, overspending, new plans for a career, new friends, tattoo... I think he feels worthless and then this means he's worth something? (in his mind) He wants to hear how good he is and this plasters over his feelings...for a while...

[Selfishsally]

Blackorchid-

My partner most definitely uses sex to validate himself and to feel worth something. And similar to what your partner is doing, he will put that expectation on me to fill for him. But without me getting the emotional fill up or love I need. Physically It can be great but as his wife, of course I want him to actually care about me.
So, yes, I think that he is asking you to still be there for him without him needing to give you anything in return.
You might enjoy having sex with him but can you protect your heart at the same time?

[blackorchid]

Blackorchid-

My partner most definitely uses sex to validate himself and to feel worth something. And similar to what your partner is doing, he will put that expectation on me to fill for him. But without me getting the emotional fill up or love I need. Physically It can be great but as his wife, of course I want him to actually care about me.
So, yes, I think that he is asking you to still be there for him without him needing to give you anything in return.

Thank you. It's nice to know I'm not the only one dealing with this. Does he does this whilst he's split you?

You might enjoy having sex with him but can you protect your heart at the same time?

and this is the thing for me. It's so hard being near him when he is so distant and cold. The first time it happened, years back it was so confusing and emotional for me. It really did affect me every time he came and left. Now, I guess I see it more as his stepping stone back, the motions he goes through and I try to emotionally detach from it and what it means.

[Selfishsally]

. Does he does this whilst he's split you?

So, yes. This happened a lot more when we were in our 20's, when I had no idea what I was dealing with.Things seem to have calmed down in our 30's.
I was married and living with him. I, of course, felt confused and emotional as you described.  Most times I felt I didn't have a choice either give him what he wants or deal with him berating me and possibly triggering another bout of rage. I didn't realize how wrong it was or how damaging that was to my soul till much later.
I wouldn't want to tell you what to do, just don't do anything you don't want to and that I recommend only doing something that will make you feel good and bring you peace.

[Selfishsally]

 

So, yes. This happened a lot more when we were in our 20's, when I had no idea what I was dealing with.Things seem to have calmed down in our 30's.
I was married and living with him. I, of course, felt confused and emotional as you described.  Most times I felt I didn't have a choice either give him what he wants or deal with him berating me and possibly triggering another bout of rage. I didn't realize how wrong it was or how damaging that was to my soul till much later.
I wouldn't want to tell you what to do, just don't do anything you don't want to and that I recommend only doing something that will make you feel good and bring you peace.

I should also add. I don't think he was purposefully trying to put me in that no win situation. I think he was just trying to reach out for me to make him feel good again.
 Like, maybe they can't quite comprehend how selfish they are acting and how it makes us feel. But, they aren't trying to be malicious. 

[blackorchid]

I should also add. I don't think he was purposefully trying to put me in that no win situation. I think he was just trying to reach out for me to make him feel good again.
 Like, maybe they can't quite comprehend how selfish they are acting and how it makes us feel. But, they aren't trying to be malicious. 

Yeah, I sort of think that too.

And get that too with not wanted them to rage if I say no

[EyesUp]

How was she using it as validation?

Another comment in this thread summed it up - sex, spending, tattoo, etc.- it's all immediate gratification.  Sex has another element in the oxytocin / dopamine cycle - it's addictive, and the feelings it can produce wash over everything else, at least for a while.  Sex can also be entangled in many other aspects of self image. 

For my wife, I think the equation has often been, "if I'm having sex, I'm attractive" or "I have value"

It was a long road to get to this understanding - for me.

[blackorchid]

Another comment in this thread summed it up - sex, spending, tattoo, etc.- it's all immediate gratification.  Sex has another element in the oxytocin / dopamine cycle - it's addictive, and the feelings it can produce wash over everything else, at least for a while.  Sex can also be entangled in many other aspects of self image. 

For my wife, I think the equation has often been, "if I'm having sex, I'm attractive" or "I have value"

It was a long road to get to this understanding - for me.

Hi EyesUp,
Interesting how you said tattoo, I think he has dysregulated pretty badly this time, a couple of weeks ago he got a massive tattoo on his calf, despite usually disliking tattoos...

I'm starting to see him thinking the same lines as that If I have sex I have value... you summed up what I have been thinking.

He is saying he doesn't want a relationship just sex.

He's just messaged me this morning asking how I am. I said fine, you? he said Im ok but drunk every day...no problem


FYI we argued over his drinking back on May 24th, during the argument I told him to F^%k off. He was saying he was going to leave me and was being pretty nast. I swore and left the room, went to bed and tried to calm down. The next day he didnt come home. Came home the next day, we argued again (I know i shouldn't have JADEd but I was emotional still). He didnt come home for 4 days, home the next night didn't want to talk. Not home 2 days, Home again -  i thought we had made up that night. Next night not home again, the following night he came home and said his new BFF had told him I'm toxic for him and so he is leaving.  A couple of week later, June 22nd he came to collect his things.


Since then the sex card...

Monday we ended up spending pretty much the whole day together, he was very distant but more himsef

You also nailed it with the spending, everytime he comes he has something new and on Monday he wanted to go shopping together.. He's definitely searching for  immediate gratification..


Last time in 2019 I think it played out around 2 months...