Thanksgiving - My sister is coming to Thanksgiving for the first time in 5 years

[Janere]

5 years ago, my BPD sister decided I was toxic and would not come to any more family gatherings if I was there.  I felt horrible. I tried to apologize for every wrong I ever did to her but she cursed me out in our family church and said I was a bully and that she could teach me not to be a bully.  I finally went to a therapist to figure out what was wrong with me and she gave me a book "Understanding the borderline Mother" and asked me to focus on the behavoirs (not the "mother" part).  It was eye opening for me and I no longer felt anger toward my BPD sister because I finally had an understanding of why she was the way that she was.  But my anger developed toward my enabling family and other sister whom I was close with.  My family has enabled my BPD sister for years.  They had separate birthdays, Christmas's and Thanksgivings with her.  They didn't invite me to certain events and flat out told me I couldn't come to my neices graduation in the town where I live but they do not live.  I learned early on never to cross my BPD sister so I would avoid confrontations with her. My other sister could flat out have the most awful fights with her and she has not been ostricized because she's an enabler. I came to understand that my other sister (whom I was close with) was triangulating.  My other sister would tell me horrible things the BPD sister would do or say and it drove a larger wedge between my BPD and me until my BPD cut me off.  I have a family of my own so I have tried to focus on them but now, this Thanksgiving, my BPD sister is finally re-married (4th time) and is bringing her new husband and another entire family she has adopted, to our family Thanksgiving.  She's successfully turned all my neices against me.  They talk in whispers around me and laugh.  I will be going to Thanksgiving this year with no allies other than my husband and children and my parents.  My BPD will be surrounded by all her people.  I cannot stop ruminating about it.  I'm going to our family Thanksgiving because I love my parents and they want us all together.  They don't mean to be enablers, they just want to have a relationship with their daughter.  I cannot blame them for that.  I'm also going because my children love going to their grandparents home for holidays.  As for me (and my husband) I wish I could fly away...

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Janet! 

Your story sounds so familiar. I remember the holidays when my parents would take us to our grandparents and the drama before, during and after were awful. I would encourage you to set some boundaries and stick tightly to them. To help you think of some options, I have some questions.

Will you be staying overnight at your parents place? Are there options such as going early to spend time with your folks and leave after the meal? In other words, limit your our time around your sister. Can you arrange the seating assignments?

Looking forward to hearing back from you,
Wools

[Couscous]

Welcome to the forum!

I was in your shoes and I pretty much could have written your post two weeks ago, as I was preparing, yet again, to sacrifice my own emotional wellbeing for the sake of my children and my enabler father. Oh how quickly things have changed! Now, we are literally going to “fly away” out of town, for Thanksgiving.

What led up to this abrupt change of heart was reading the book Emotional Blackmail, and my finally deciding that I am no longer willing to subject myself to the toxic environment that is my family. I simply will never attend another family gathering again. I am doing this first and foremost, for me, but my kids will also benefit greatly from having a less distracted, preoccupied mother during the holidays. They can see their cousins and my enabler father some other time.

But this was a two year process for me, and you may not yet be ready to take such drastic action. Good luck!

[Methuen]

Janere,  

It sounds like there could be a lot of people under one roof.

What would the compromise position be?  On the one hand it sounds like they’ve ostracized and excluded you for years, so not going could be one option.  On the other hand you are anxious and stressed just at the idea of going and staying, knowing all the drama, chaos, and mistreatment that will ensue.  

Have you given thought to staying in a hotel?  This would give you space, and a safe place to retreat to.   The idea has merit, and a lot of us do it, even though there is a financial cost.  The other way has an emotional cost.  Which is worse?

After reading your post, the situation doesn’t really pass the sniff test.  If they’ve held separate family functions in the past, why is this time different?  

Lastly, how old are your children?  Will the nasty nieces try to turn your own kids against you (since they whisper and laugh behind your back)?

Is getting a hotel an option you could consider?