In over my head, the ground is always shifting.

[Depression = 72% of members]

There is a lot of history. But I will try to be concise. I met this girl online.  I determined that she was not my type. Despite my best efforts to maintain a platonic friendship she kept pushing for more.  Being LGBTQ, the lifestyle can be plagued by unbearable stretches of lack of companionship. We hooked up. I tried to keep it as a casual-friendship because of many unknowns in my career future at this point. We were separated by long distance. We spoke for hours on the phone for months and I became emotionally attached. Her work/life situation was not good, and I was still unsure of whether we had the chemistry and common values and interests needed to have a lasting sustainable relationship.  She moved down to be closer to me despite my concerns about her revolving her decisions around me.  I found the intensity of her needs and demands off-putting at times. She was very intense, persistent, jealous, immature, would not let me end things when it felt toxic, was prone to rages and constant break-ups followed by immediate apologies to reconcile, and frequently accused me having plans to discard her when I found someone better or my life improved. It has been a real roller-coaster to say in the least. At times she can be so amazingly warm, passionate, and generous.  I felt emotionally she had many positive traits and despite her not being my initial type I began to fall in love with her heart.  She frequently continued to re-assure me she was invested in her personal growth, though now it seems like the last thing she cares about.  Then, the pandemic happened.  I am now being blamed for the pandemic's social hurdles in our relationship. Her parents passed away recently, I have caught her in many small lies,  she made new friends at work and allowed them to influence her opinion of our relationship.  She is not from this region and my current lifestyle limits my social availability, we have essentially no friends in common.  She was hyper-sexual for months demanding it so much I couldn't even keep up with the demand.  Now she doesn't even try to touch me and has sometimes made passing jokes petting me like a dog when I request affection.  One of the last times we were intimate, she received while I was left hanging. We had a really good next day together until another lesbian showed up to her apartments and she made a passing comment about being attracted to her body and she was concerned about whether her appearance was presentable for this woman.  I immediately felt invisible to her and I felt crushed.  On two separate occasions months prior I went to her house and found used condoms on the nightstand. When I asked her about them she laughed and was like: "don't worry, I was just pleasuring myself with the sex toys. Don't touch them, I will clean them up."  On and off for a while now, she calls me late returning home from work and claims that she is just working a lot. She speaks to me for like 3-5min. I can sense in her tone she doesn't want to talk and feels obligated. Everything I say is annoying and she constantly negatively labels my behavior.  We have nothing to talk about anymore as she has grown ice-cold. She tells me she will call me back before bedtime, the call never comes, and I get a text about falling asleep on the couchei, being exhausted working 12hr. shifts., she doesn't text at lunch anymore.  The few times I call her back afterwork after her not honoring her intention to call me, all I get is voicemail. Sometimes a text but no call, and if I am lucky to get a call. It is short again. It makes me feel like she is hiding that someone is there.  I keep trying to get a definitive answer out of her about what we are, and she just keeps saying she doesn't feel sexual and she is exhausted from work. Her anxiety is very high and she tires easily of social interaction. Keeps saying she needs hours of silence to herself. Sometimes she looks at me with this stone cold psychotic mistrusting look in her eyes as if she thinks I have deceived her.  When things start to feel like they are improving suddenly her personality shifts and she is on her phone scrolling, texting, avoiding eye contact like she wants me to leave.  In the beginning I was the answer to all her problems now I am the root of all her problems.  I am feeling so alone and unwanted and confused and depressed.  Yet. She calls me for like 3min. with a normal happy tone but she is completely emotionally unavailable to me.  I keep telling her our relationship has all the telling signs that it is dying.  She keeps reassuring me that there are future plans together but none of her actions, facial expressions, or body gestures match her words.  She is sometimes  warm on the phone but by the time I get to the house her entire energy has shifted. She sometimes seems hesitant to kiss me.  I don't know how much more of this I can bear.   She used to tell me things like come bye and hangout at the house anytime you want until I get home from work, talks of moving into together.  The other day I mentioned stopping by to surprise her and she said call before you come, another time she said "I don't think the landlord wants a whole lot of traffic here."  I feel like she is cheating either physically or emotionally and isn't telling me despite best efforts to have honest dialogue.  I try to give her space but she is so cold now I feel like that is just leading to her discarding me.  She started smoking more weed, drinking a lot more, and her spending has thrown her budget off.  She keeps adopting more animals despite saying she already feels spread too thin plus trying to get her vet-tech. certification. She self-admits having a history of moving around a lot. I am secretly concerned she may be cheating and my health could be at risk despite her saying she would never do that to me.  I don't know what the hell to believe and I am paranoid all the time.  I feel constant fear that she is falling out of love with me, and I am walking on eggshells because nothing is ever good enough.  She will allow me to massage her for hours, sometimes pleasure her, and then finds an excuse not to reciprocate.  Was she ever in love with me? She doesn't want to discuss things and the few times we have she has zero empathy for my feelings and she keeps saying that I am not listening to what she needs that it is just work and school and that she is tired.  My mental health is suffering and all I get is one-word replies to my texts. There are no emotional emojis, and her morning greetings rare now and are the same pre-selected messages. I feel like a task.

[LGBTQ_dating_BPD]

There is a lot of history. But I will try to be concise. I met this girl online.  I determined that she was not my type. Despite my best efforts to maintain a platonic friendship she kept pushing for more.  Being LGBTQ, the lifestyle can be plagued by unbearable stretches of lack of companionship. We hooked up. I tried to keep it as a casual-friendship because of many unknowns in my career future at this point. We were separated by long distance. We spoke for hours on the phone for months and I became emotionally attached. Her work/life situation was not good, and I was still unsure of whether we had the chemistry and common values and interests needed to have a lasting sustainable relationship.  She moved down to be closer to me despite my concerns about her revolving her decisions around me.  I found the intensity of her needs and demands off-putting at times. She was very intense, persistent, jealous, immature, would not let me end things when it felt toxic, was prone to rages and constant break-ups followed by immediate apologies to reconcile, and frequently accused me having plans to discard her when I found someone better or my life improved. It has been a real roller-coaster to say in the least. At times she can be so amazingly warm, passionate, and generous.  I felt emotionally she had many positive traits and despite her not being my initial type I began to fall in love with her heart.  She frequently continued to re-assure me she was invested in her personal growth, though now it seems like the last thing she cares about.  Then, the pandemic happened.  I am now being blamed for the pandemic's social hurdles in our relationship. Her parents passed away recently, I have caught her in many small lies,  she made new friends at work and allowed them to influence her opinion of our relationship.  She is not from this region and my current lifestyle limits my social availability, we have essentially no friends in common.  She was hyper-sexual for months demanding it so much I couldn't even keep up with the demand.  Now she doesn't even try to touch me and has sometimes made passing jokes petting me like a dog when I request affection.  One of the last times we were intimate, she received while I was left hanging. We had a really good next day together until another lesbian showed up to her apartments and she made a passing comment about being attracted to her body and she was concerned about whether her appearance was presentable for this woman.  I immediately felt invisible to her and I felt crushed.  On two separate occasions months prior I went to her house and found used condoms on the nightstand. When I asked her about them she laughed and was like: "don't worry, I was just pleasuring myself with the sex toys. Don't touch them, I will clean them up."  On and off for a while now, she calls me late returning home from work and claims that she is just working a lot. She speaks to me for like 3-5min. I can sense in her tone she doesn't want to talk and feels obligated. Everything I say is annoying and she constantly negatively labels my behavior.  We have nothing to talk about anymore as she has grown ice-cold. She tells me she will call me back before bedtime, the call never comes, and I get a text about falling asleep on the couchei, being exhausted working 12hr. shifts., she doesn't text at lunch anymore.  The few times I call her back afterwork after her not honoring her intention to call me, all I get is voicemail. Sometimes a text but no call, and if I am lucky to get a call. It is short again. It makes me feel like she is hiding that someone is there.  I keep trying to get a definitive answer out of her about what we are, and she just keeps saying she doesn't feel sexual and she is exhausted from work. Her anxiety is very high and she tires easily of social interaction. Keeps saying she needs hours of silence to herself. Sometimes she looks at me with this stone cold psychotic mistrusting look in her eyes as if she thinks I have deceived her.  When things start to feel like they are improving suddenly her personality shifts and she is on her phone scrolling, texting, avoiding eye contact like she wants me to leave.  In the beginning I was the answer to all her problems now I am the root of all her problems.  I am feeling so alone and unwanted and confused and depressed.  Yet. She calls me for like 3min. with a normal happy tone but she is completely emotionally unavailable to me.  I keep telling her our relationship has all the telling signs that it is dying.  She keeps reassuring me that there are future plans together but none of her actions, facial expressions, or body gestures match her words.  She is sometimes  warm on the phone but by the time I get to the house her entire energy has shifted. She sometimes seems hesitant to kiss me.  I don't know how much more of this I can bear.   She used to tell me things like come bye and hangout at the house anytime you want until I get home from work, talks of moving into together.  The other day I mentioned stopping by to surprise her and she said call before you come, another time she said "I don't think the landlord wants a whole lot of traffic here."  I feel like she is cheating either physically or emotionally and isn't telling me despite best efforts to have honest dialogue.  I try to give her space but she is so cold now I feel like that is just leading to her discarding me.  She started smoking more weed, drinking a lot more, and her spending has thrown her budget off.  She keeps adopting more animals despite saying she already feels spread too thin plus trying to get her vet-tech. certification. She self-admits having a history of moving around a lot. I am secretly concerned she may be cheating and my health could be at risk despite her saying she would never do that to me.  I don't know what the hell to believe and I am paranoid all the time.  I feel constant fear that she is falling out of love with me, and I am walking on eggshells because nothing is ever good enough.  She will allow me to massage her for hours, sometimes pleasure her, and then finds an excuse not to reciprocate.  Was she ever in love with me? She doesn't want to discuss things and the few times we have she has zero empathy for my feelings and she keeps saying that I am not listening to what she needs that it is just work and school and that she is tired.  My mental health is suffering and all I get is one-word replies to my texts. There are no emotional emojis, and her morning greetings rare now and are the same pre-selected messages. I feel like a task.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[alterK]

Hi LGBTQ_dating. I am a straight man, so you may or may not find what I say relevant, but it seems to me there are truths about intimate relationships that we all share. That expression "roller coaster" is something probably 90% of the people on this board can relate to. It is not a fun ride.

It seems to me that you are so beaten down by the back and forth, up and down, on and off with your GF and feeling so desperate, that it is difficult for you to think clearly. That you are at the point where your sense of your own value is badly affected. Which is the first thing that needs to be repaired. You need to believe you are entitled to receive, not necessarily perfect, but still decent treatment. And that you can treat someone decently and have at least some appreciation in return. This is actually something within you, and isn't dependent on your relationship with any particular person. Your GF is doubtless going through her own suffering, and you are probably sensitive to that, but that isn't your biggest problem right now.

I would urge you to get yourself into some decent therapy/counseling. You need, and deserve, help. You need someone who is on your side, and who has the skills to work with you. If you can get yourself into a better place emotionally, then you will be more able to make decisions about your relationship.

[maregesimpson]

Hi LGBTQ_Dating:
welcome and thank you for posting. How are you doing?
I was in a similar situation although I hope I managed to keep my grounds a little less shifting. But I keep struggling, feel hurt and I miss her so much.

There are these crucial moments when one feels the hurt/disrespect/no empathy/mistrust is just to much to keep the relating going - despite all the love one feels and the support ones wants to give. More difficult it gets when there is poor/no real communication.

After being the LGBTQ-hero with the rainbow flag in her hands "my" woman told me she was soo heterosexual...it broke my heart. No empathy at all. Now there is only silence and distance - complete shutdown. It feels so unreal.

It is helpful to keep remembering all the destructive behaviors to keep one's own shields up.
Watch out for yourself, treat yourself good and get support.

In a relationship one should always be treated with kindness, respect and genuine love. Take care.

[LGBTQ_dating_BPD]

Thank you for responding MargieSimpson and AlterK,

I appreciate both of your efforts straight or gay. It has been some time and she managed to suck me back in again, making me question my reality. Desperately wanting to rationalize her behavior, I took her back. The last two months have had very little change. She started act more positively towards me and checking in with me more consistently but I am still faced with bouts of misdirected animosity.  When I got to her place it feels cold and I feel like I don't belong there. She put a mattress in the back room on the floor saying it was for the dogs. Her fridge seldom has food or food cooked in it and she rearranges the couches and the kitchen weekly. I can never find any utensils. She hasn't bought shampoo in like 2 months and has been using dog shampoo. It is as though she frequently showers somewhere else. Her clothes are always in piles on the floor as if she is never home. Her grades are dropping and she is still protectively glued to her phone paranoid I will check her phone. She gave away one of the dogs she rescued to a family member.  Her other dog appears to be distressed and I think the dog senses when she is having an "bpd-episode."  She frequently accuses me of being jealous, insecure, demanding of her time.  Makes comments about how she is just exhausted giving herself to me that she sees me all the time. When in actuality, I am a fulltime caregiver for my elderly family member so..I am actually lucky if I can break away for a night during the week or weekend.  It has made having a relationship with her very difficult to meet her needs and demands. which I had tried to explain all in the beginning to her that I was not in the right place to give her what she needs. And her crave for spontaneity, and the constantly shifting target of needs which when fulfilled somehow were too much or not enough. 

Now that she has essentially sucked me dry like a vampire and frequently makes statements like her feelings have changed and she is stable now and she doesn't see a future with me.  She told me her mom died and about a month ago revealed to me that her mother in fact is not dead, but that it was a tenant in her apartment and since her mother was MIA they presumed it to be her. I will never know what the truth was but her mother's death was the whole thing that bonded us together as she spent months calling me, text bombing me , and love bombing, needing my support and breaking down my boundaries slowly.  She claims the news about her mom is recent, but would not disclose how recent.  I can only imagine that she has let me believe this for at least 6months to 1year.  Perhaps longer.  She frequently projects traits on to me that I don't naturally possess and I self admit that at times I am insecure and suspicious because of her instability. She doesn't touch me at all.  One night she told me to get dressed up and come over for a romantic evening and by the time I got there her demeanor had shifted to being antisocial and there was nothing warm or romantic about the evening. I felt so dejected.

 She took chickens from a friend at work, and despite knowing the last thing I wanted was more responsibility she brought them to me telling me she thought it would be good for "us" and her landlord was trying to get his wife to agree to having them. The relationship with her male landlord is also strange, he buys her expensive things and is always doing favors for her. The way he looks at her makes me feel uncomfortable and he has a clear dislike of me which she denies. 

She broke up with me a few days ago saying she fell out of love, then 2 days later stated she was still in love with me, then I found her profile back up on a lesbian dating site with recent new photos of her which she claims she created a year ago when we broke up and says she forgot the password which is why she hadn't deactivated it. 

Later, she raged on me for questioning her. I blocked her number then she emailed me with I still love you and haven't cheated on you. Left a voicemail saying the same. Then, emailed saying she felt deathly ill (possibly covid) so I unblocked her to call her only to find that my number was blocked and when I emailed her back to check on her she never unblocked my number.  She wanted me to watch her dog for a week while she was sick, I told her to board the dog at her work. The last email I got from her was her telling me she presumed we were over and she was deleting all my contact information. 
I have been crying for 4 days now.  And all this amid some peer-career related competition she knew was important to me.  It seems she always sabotages me when my life appears to start to gain momentum then circles around and devalues me when I crumble under her instability. Saying things like we are just not growing...you haven't made progress while she has sucked me dry of the little time I have for myself outside of the responsibilities I provide to my family member.  For months she kept offering to pay for things and I wouldn't let her because I was afraid it would shift the power dynamic in our relationship and when I finally started to take her help, it did exactly that. Now she had something new to leverage over me and devalue me and gaslight me about.  I feel so alone, and there are no affordable therapy services available to me. I  have tried to find help.

[kells76]

 

Glad you are here. You are in the right place with people who understand.

I hope you can do something really kind for yourself tonight, even if "it seems small".

 

[kells76]

LdB, how are you doing today? I hope that tonight you can have another moment of doing something kind for yourself. I struggle with self care so after I post this, I will work on mindfully enjoying sitting on the porch and watching the moon. Looking forward to hearing back from you;
-kells76