How to talk to child when coparent acts like a victim all the time

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone! My ex (undiagnosed but had BPD/NPD traits) and I coparent our 7 year old daughter and overall she seems quite resilient and happy. However over the last year I find she has more and more stories of how people are so mean to daddy and she seems quite distraught when she tells them.Her father has always loved to play the victim and acts like he’s always the target of some conspiracy against him. I am just concerned he seems to be trying to make her into his emotional rescuer. I’ve told her that he is a grown up and can deal with his own feelings and problems and she doesn’t have to worry. But I wanted to hear what others do in this situation? I worry she’ll develop social anxiety thinking that other people are always out to get you, or feel like she has to parent her own dad.

[Kat82]

Hi everyone! My ex (undiagnosed but had BPD/NPD traits) and I coparent our 7 year old daughter and overall she seems quite resilient and happy. However over the last year I find she has more and more stories of how people are so mean to daddy and she seems quite distraught when she tells them.Her father has always loved to play the victim and acts like he’s always the target of some conspiracy against him. I am just concerned he seems to be trying to make her into his emotional rescuer. I’ve told her that he is a grown up and can deal with his own feelings and problems and she doesn’t have to worry. But I wanted to hear what others do in this situation? I worry she’ll develop social anxiety thinking that other people are always out to get you, or feel like she has to parent her own dad.

[ForeverDad]

We have a theme here, well, many themes, but a major one is that kids should not be put in the middle.  Her dad is involving her in his adult issues and that's not healthy.  It's good that you've noticed and are doing your best to counteract that.

Besides your own balancing input, can she take advantage of counseling?  Do you have some level of Decision Making for health issues?  If simply joint, then likely her dad might object to any light being shined on his issues, but have you tried that?  If you ever end up in family court again, rest assured courts love counseling.  Even if dad objects, likely the court will agree with you about counseling.

Schools also have counselors.  They may be able to provide support also, though probably limited.

[mart555]

I am just concerned he seems to be trying to make her into his emotional rescuer.

I think that this is a valid concern and if your daughter has a lot of empathy she may feel like she has to do it, and that her dad's happiness depends on her.   Definitely look into emotional validation (there's a book called "The Power of Validation").  Quite difficult for young kids but it seems easier with time.  I had to explain to my youngest (12) multiple time that he needs to make choices based on what he wants / makes him feel good and not to please his mother (ie: if she asks for something or offers him a choice).

Be the stable parent.

[Kat82]

Thank you for the suggestions, I always appreciate the advice on this forum. Unfortunately therapy isn’t something I can decide on without his consent and he’s made it clear he doesn’t support the idea. I’ll definitely take a look at that book and if things are becoming unmanageable then see about a guidance counsellor at school.
Thanks so much!