Ex has now reached out. (+ the reply you wish to send, but don't.)

[Ad Meliora]

But there's definitely something about you ever having been with someone else that triggers them, and there's absolutely nothing you can do or say to change that.

Hi Grumpy, yes for some reason any talk of my previous ex's was a sore spot.  At one point I wrote a long letter detailing them including the good things and what went wrong.  I thought she wanted to know and this was a big big mistake and triggered a whole bunch of negative responses from her.  She couldn't understand how I could be the "hero" of my story.  We are all the hero's of our own stories, things always make perfect sense in hindsight.  It was a way to cast doubt on my self-concept and attack my self esteem.  She didn't know who she was, clearly.

I think also she could see the things I saw as problems in my exes in her as well, as if she knew the end would soon come.  She likely saw herself as so much worse in many ways.  It didn't stop her from going along with the idealism and fantasy I was creating about her.  The myth that fostered further projection from me onto her.

[Ad Meliora]

The only thing that did matter to my ex's mind was what other people thought.

Yes, I saw this too.  Especially with her friends.  She would bend over backwards to please them.  Make them food, let them use her house when in the area on sales calls, even lend their 16 year old children money ( ).  When it came to me she didn't really care.  She was dismissive, belligerent, and argumentative often.  When I was with her she would respond to texts from her friends and family right away where I would get silence for hours (sometimes days).

Her family was the next tier she wanted to maintain the charade with although I think it was fairly easy with them.  She could keep them at arm's length and they were used to her self-described "awkward" behavior.  Easy to keep up appearances there.

I was in a category of my own in her behavior and how she thought about me.  Somewhere between stranger and a stern brother and high-school love.  It was  a weird mix and kept me constantly guessing.

One day I came to her house in the evening and as I came in through the screen door and looked at her on the couch it was as if the veil had dropped somehow and I saw a different person sitting there than the one in my mind.  She looked at me for a second too as if she could sense I saw "the stranger" and began talking smoothly and saying things that reassured me it was actually her, not some shape-shifting monster.

Now this may be far afield, but I wonder if there were ever moments that you saw a different person completely and wondered "Who is this, really?"

[poppy2]

One day I came to her house in the evening and as I came in through the screen door and looked at her on the couch it was as if the veil had dropped somehow and I saw a different person sitting there than the one in my mind.  She looked at me for a second too as if she could sense I saw "the stranger" and began talking smoothly and saying things that reassured me it was actually her, not some shape-shifting monster.

Now this may be far afield, but I wonder if there were ever moments that you saw a different person completely and wondered "Who is this, really?"

I can totally relate to and agree with the general idea that there are "different fronts"... like the mask can work with friends and the work environment, and the real punishment can be reserved for lovers/family, depending on what is going on in the BPD mind.

Personally, I think I've stopped asking myself whether or how my ex was 2-3 people, who knows about the diagnosis or destructive behaviours, although of course I still think about it. I just think it's a no-win because the clever, high-functioning ones are able to hide it, not forever, but that's exactly why they would leave, in my opinion.. being "found out" is a source of shame. 

Also, to answer your question - yes. For me, the moment when I saw the "other part" of my ex is when she uncharacteristically and completely out of blue tried to assault me. Sadly, I was triggered by this at the time to recognize that is was "her" doing it. But I think it's very important in relation to personality disorders, or any kind of compulsive, traumatic behaviour, to see the "whole" person... not to push aside moments when they act "out of character". That's something I've learnt now.