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Author Topic: How many times have you thought "this will never be bad again" only to...  (Read 404 times)
CHChuck
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 68


« on: September 10, 2021, 11:52:55 PM »

I can't tell you the number of times in my marriage I've thought, "I've finally figured out how to keep these good times" before crashing down. Once again, after two months of tight-rope walking to maintain peace with my spouse, my one misstep has led to a week of pure hell...Yes, I made the mistake...she tells me so...to disagree would be "gaslighting" her.

For two months, I maintained peace by accommodating her anxiety swings and the attacks they motivate. I've learned if I can weather the initial storm, we quickly return to the close friendship we share in the good times. About a week ago, I did the unthinkable. When my wife implied that she was not interested hearing "another one of my schemes." I corrected her by saying I am actually suggesting a safer way to invest her trust income and wish she'd be willing to hear my ideas, as they have been very successful in the past.  

With this comment, I have stepped over a line, hurting her in remarkable ways. She wants to abort our dinner plans because "I've been so cruel" to her. I manage to calm her down enough to have dinner and initiate some conversations. I've learned this is my responsibility in these moments because she is "too hurt" to talk.

On the way home, I try to calmly explain that given the effort I make to being an honest, transparent person, I am hurt when she implies I am "scheming." This comment has led to a week of attacks because I did not address the way I hurt her. So, in a matter of 4 minutes, our relationship has gone from one of tremendous friendship and, maybe, closeness to one in which we are not talking...AND it's my fault because "I'm just being too sensitive."

So many times, I am hammered regardless of the decision I make. At the movies, we sat next to someone who had BO. Afterwards, my wife is furious with me for not warning her about this individual. The next time at the theatre, I try to coach her through the seating.  She tells me, "quiet, they might hear you. I can take care of myself!" My reply in these situations makes all the difference. If, EVERY time it happens, I reply with grace and a pleasant apology the peace continues. Otherwise, within 5 - 10 minutes all hell breaks loose.

So, maybe I am the problem? I mean, I walk around in fear of one of her outbursts, but I am twice her size and, maybe, shouldn't "take everything so personally." Why is it so difficult to be happy with all I have? During the peaceful times, we have very enjoyable days together working, watching TV, or eating meals together. After 25 years of marriage, I've learned to find joy in those peaceful times...but is it a marriage? We have not been intimate in over 15 years and we share no interests outside the home.

I believe the strain navigating this marital mazes is about to kill me. For the past year, I swing toward near-suicidal depressions when these sudden breakdowns happen (I've learned to internalize those feelings because my wife finds them so upsetting). I slowly recover when she begins showing the slightest bit of warmth. I developed an eating disorder that I struggle to control after her criticism of my health and diet despite my exercising two+ hours a day and never eat desserts.

Her outburst and wealth have created a pretty unhealthy power dynamic in our family. At the moment, she has blocked me from her wealth so that I "can't just leave and have a happy life." During the good times, I hesitate to talk about these things because I fear another outburst and I've learned to be happy with what I get.

So, right now, I'm just laying low hoping to see another good period. How do I break the cycle?
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ForeverDad
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #1 on: September 12, 2021, 10:25:33 AM »

How do you break the cycle?  Rather than answer that in a few words, let's ponder the matter.

You've been married for some 30 years.  So this 'cycle' is not something that's occurred just a few times.  And you've tried and tried to the point of exhaustion to modify your life, to appease, to mollify, yet still the conflict returns.  It's not for lack of trying.

You've been here for a over a year now, no doubt you've browsed our Tools and Skills board to educate yourself on practical Boundaries and ways to Communicate wisely.  Yet still things often fall apart.

Years ago someone phrased our collective situation in an intriguing way and I often repeat it.  The poor behaviors of people with BPD (pwBPD) are more evident the closer the relationship.  What is closer than a spouse or an immediate family member?  So while some people may notice from a distance that there's something 'off' about that person, you as the person in a close relationship are exposed directly.  And as has been noted, there's so much emotional baggage of the past history of the relationship that the pwBPD just can't and won't get past it and isn't truly listening, at least not consistently.

Let's discuss the membership here.  This board includes several situations in which we find ourselves, some comparatively mild, some more severe.  Some have been able to work with their spouses and have managed to use our newfound skills and tools to find some response and continue the relationship, well, at least for now.  The more extreme cases?  Sadly, many here tried to get a positive response but failed and so they decided there was (for multiple reasons) no other choice but to end the relationship.

What do you think?  Where are you?  After these decades and after a couple years learning relationship and communication skills, do you see sufficient improvement in your spouse's behaviors?  Do you believe more time and energy spent on your marriage will make sufficient difference?  Lastly, your health — physically, mentally, emotionally — has been negatively impacted, what would it take for you to recover?
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formflier
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



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« Reply #2 on: September 12, 2021, 10:53:53 AM »


You don't say it explicitly, yet I get the vibe that you believe that if you did things right...she would not (fill in the blank).

First:  Is that about right?


Yes you have a responsibility to do you best for the relationship, yet I would encourage you to NOT use your wife's behavior as THE standard by which you evaluate yourself.

There have been times when FF was perfecto...and FFw went off on a bender.  So that tells me it's not about FF...not that FF controls his wife's behavior.

Let me pause there and get your reaction.

Best,

FF
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