Does rehab help ?

[sshaligr]

Dear members,
This is my first post in this forum.  I would like to make it as brief as possible and please please help me.
Been married for 20 years have 2 kids - daughter 21 and son 15.  We have had a very strained relationship, sometimes super great and most of the times super low.  After a few years into the marriage we felt there was something amiss and my wife mentioned this to her primary physician who put her on anti-depressants.  She has been on anti-depressants for about 18 years now, but still the issues were always constantly there.  We tried multiple marriage counsellors, but still nobody was able to pin point what the problem in our marriage was.
Recently, during the covid lockdown there were a few events that triggered major depressive episodes with my wife and she suggested that we see a family therapist.  We went to the therapist for about 4 months.  After about 10 sessions with the therapist, he asked me to learn about personality disorders and I started searching the internet.  The Borderline Personality Disorder was a very close fit to what we were going through.  Moreover, I was always telling my counsellors that I feel like I am walking on eggshells most of the time when I am with my wife.  When I was searching for information on bpd, I was thrilled to find a book that had that very name as the title.  I purchased that book and must have read it about 5 times now.  In June this year, my wife had a major argument with the family therapist and walked out.  Post this, my wife's condition got so bad that she was almost always on the bed with her cellphone.  She  confined herself to a single room, would not talk to anyone and would rage when we confronted her.  Finally about 5 weeks back, we seriously asked her to get help, got her side of the family involved and with help from my wife's sister who is a doctor, we got her into the hospital.  The psychiatrist changed her anti-depressant and after a week suggested that she get into a rehab facility.  He suspected a cluster B personality disorder.  My wife is furious that her family is doing this to her.    She is now in rehab, is in complete denial but is participating in regular group therapy and one-on-one sessions with the clinical psychologist.  They have given her a battery of tests to ascertain the nature and severity of the disorder.  My question is - does rehab work ?  My wife is in total denial.  Should we continue rehab ?  Any past experience with this and guidance on how to go forward will be really helpful. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

An intensive course of treatment geared to BPD, usually DBT therapy, can be successful in minimizing or eliminating some difficult BPD behaviors. To work, it needs your wife’s buy-in, which doesn’t sound like it’s currently happening.

[sshaligr]

I heard from the counsellors that DBT therapy is being conducted, but since she is in denial, I am not sure how much it will help.  Is there anything I can do to convince her to continue to be in rehab ?  I know for a fact that once she is out of rehab, she will not visit a therapist and the treatment will completely stop and her old routine of addiction to the screen, isolating herself socially, etc. etc. will continue.  I also heard from the counsellors that she is very socially active in the rehab center and is very busy talking to all the other folks there, writing newsletters for the center and keeping herself very busy.  But she wants to come out of there asap.  I dont know what to do.

[Cat Familiar]

Do you have to do anything?  Can she just stay put for a while?

[sshaligr]

yes, you are right.  The best thing I can do to support is to have her stay put. 

[sshaligr]

Thought of sharing the latest in our ongoing saga.  My wife did not want to continue in rehab due to the quality of food, etc. (standard list of complaints).   good thing that happened in rehab is that she has been put on a new set of antidepressants (vanilaflaxin and Lithium) and that her condition has been formally diagnosed by a registered clinical psychologist as Borderline Personality Disorder. 
She is back home now and is trying to understand her disorder.  apart from that very little has changed.  She does not agree that the 6 weeks in rehab was good for her.  She blames me and kids for all her problems and the rage continues.
tried to use SET a couple of times, it worked but few other times it did not.  It is a very painful experience.
she is supposed to meet the clinical psychologist next week for follow up sessions.