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Author Topic: Are there other parents here whose children idealize and adore them?  (Read 1073 times)
Leaf56
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« on: September 09, 2021, 01:27:54 PM »

Okay, so here's something I've been thinking about. While it seems like the majority of children with BPD have high-conflict relationships with at least one parent, I'd like to know if there's anyone else here besides me whose child has spent the overwhelming majority of his/her life idealizing you and "loving" you beyond what seems normal. I've detailed my experience of this in other posts but just a refresher:
Ages 0-23, my son made it very clear his entire life that he idealizes me and loves me more than anything else in the world, etc. All I ever heard was how much he loves me, how wonderful I am, etc. I was never comfortable with his level of worship.
Ages 23-24, after moving in with his dad, who openly and vocally despises me and who has spent my sons' lives telling them horrible false things about me, my son spent a year as he says now, trying to despise me, and sending me horrible texts like those that others here have described. I blocked him and all that anger toward me stopped pretty quickly. By the end of the year he says that he realized that, in shorthand, I'm just as good as he always thought I was. (Don't worry, I know this is weird and I'm also uncomfortable with it, but for now it is what it is.)
Ages 24-25 He's back to loving me more than anything. But he spent the previous year saying absolutely horrifying things to me, things I can't forget.

So when I say I'm receiving texts, while there was a year of bizarre crap that I simply did not tolerate, the texts I get are not blaming me, or disrespecting me, or anything like that. He's just wanting me to fix his life for him. So, I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced anything similar to this. I'm very aware of what typical BPD behavior is between mother and daughter since my sister has practiced it her whole life. My son's behavior is NOTHING like that, but somehow similarly controlling, and that year-long window into the possibilities of his personality expression, possibilities that no one could ever have guessed at based on his prior loving and completely noncombative nature, have made me proceed with extreme caution.

I'm also wondering if gender might play a role and whether daughters are more awful to their mothers than their sons are? So, anyone else have an extremely loving and idealizing BPD adult child?
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Leaf56
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« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2021, 03:13:47 PM »

Okay, judging by the number of views, I'm going to venture that there's no one else out there? Amirite? Clair_Paravel, see anything like this in your practice?
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incadove
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« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2021, 10:25:00 PM »

I have definitely experienced swings between idealization and demonization.
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Sancho
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« Reply #3 on: September 11, 2021, 02:59:12 AM »

Hi Leaf 56
I've been thinking about the description of you son -there are aspects of it that sound like aspects of BPD. So the BPD person can be totally enthusiastic about someone - they are all wonderful, can do no wrong, everything they say is completely correct etc.

Some small thing can turn all this into it's opposite. So your experience has some of the aspects of this - and it sounds as though when he did turn, his comments, texts etc were nasty.

Were they blaming? ie everything is your fault etc. What about anger?

It seems as though your son doesn't have a strong inner self ie he 'merges' with whoever he is with? It is hard to know without knowing other aspects of your son and other concrete examples.

Would he be willing to go to counselling with you so that you can express your concern about his intense emotions and the way they can swing?
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Leaf56
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« Reply #4 on: September 11, 2021, 11:16:34 AM »

Incadove, thanks for replying. Would you say you've experienced more idealization or demonization over the years?

Sancho, you asked: "It sounds as though when he did turn, his comments, texts etc were nasty. Were they blaming? ie everything is your fault etc."

Yes, the texts were totally blaming, everything my fault. His attitude toward me turned on a dime when I had him hospitalized for the first time from a lifetime of "Oh, mommy, you're the best person in the world and I love you so much" to (an example of a direct quote from one of his texts) "I'm gonna make you regret you ever had kids. My goal is to make your life hell since simply living for me is the biggest hell ever. I want to make sure you're never happy because you gave birth to me and that's enough for me to forever scorn you and loathe your existence you b****. Every time you think of me just hear my voice saying "f*** you b****" to you cause that's how I always feel about you, you eyesore. Just drop dead" etc. This stance came about after he went to live with his dad at 23 because his dad allows him to smoke weed daily in his home (since dad does too) and his dad convinced him that everything wrong in both their lives is all my fault. Then a year later he realized he was wrong.

Sancho, you asked: "What about anger?"

His anger is over the top, through the roof, and almost constant. Just no longer directed at me, although because of the quick shift before, it feels like it could turn on a dime at any moment, to the extent that I remain afraid of him.

Sancho you asked: "It seems as though your son doesn't have a strong inner self ie he 'merges' with whoever he is with?"

He has absolutely zero sense of self and says so. He meets every one of the 9 BPD criteria to the utmost that it's possible to meet them.

Sancho, you said: "It is hard to know without knowing other aspects of your son and other concrete examples."

What is hard to know?

Sancho, you asked: "Would he be willing to go to counselling with you so that you can express your concern about his intense emotions and the way they can swing?"

We are way beyond that, and I have no problem expressing my concerns. He's already swung completely back to idealizing me. Also, thanks, but I'm not looking for help with my specific problem per se. I'm looking for insights from others on the topics I post about because that's how I figure things out, by investigating, looking at trends, etc.

Sancho, I appreciate your response, I really, truly do, but the purpose of this thread is to hear from others whose children idealize them.


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Sancho
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« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2021, 02:28:26 AM »

Sorry leaf56 if you found my response off target. I suppose I was trying to see if the idealisation was within a context that is defined as BPD.
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Leaf56
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« Reply #6 on: September 13, 2021, 06:39:50 AM »

I know, and it's ok.
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guiltymom

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« Reply #7 on: September 13, 2021, 04:34:29 PM »

My son doesn't idealize me or his dad to the extent you describe, Leaf. But one thing we first noticed when he was pretty young—maybe as young as 4 or 5: at any given moment, he strongly prefers one parent to the other. He'd be "team mom" or "team dad" for a few months, then for no apparent reason would switch teams. Of course, in hindsight, this was a huge red flag, but we actually used to laugh about it. Ugh. I remember a game of Trivial Pursuit when son was young, and my husband and I were tied and the game went on for a long time (we're a big trivia family). When I ended up winning, son started crying and ran out of the room. My husband told him that it was okay that Mommy won and that she's just as smart as Daddy (that's how young he was—was still calling us by those names). But I also have a chilling memory of him in sixth or seventh grade, telling me he didn't like Dad and that I should divorce him. I'm so embarrassed that I didn't see these moments as significant at the time. He was obviously splitting from a very young age. 
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Leaf56
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« Reply #8 on: September 13, 2021, 04:53:01 PM »

Guiltymom, you said: "we're a big trivia family"

I just have to say, before anything else, that—so are we! Are you looking forward to Matt Amodio defending his championship tonight on first episode of the new season of Jeopardy? We can't wait! (Could live without having to watch the guy who got fired, though.)

The part of your post that I'm really wondering about is inability to tolerate competition. My son never could. It was a huge problem for him, and us and we basically had to just stop playing games because he would get violent when he lost. He still can't play games to this day. I don't think that you said anything about that other than that he cried when he lost, but it made me wonder.

You also said: "I also have a chilling memory of him in sixth or seventh grade, telling me he didn't like Dad and that I should divorce him...He was obviously splitting from a very young age."

Would it be possible for you to talk about that some more, give any other examples. Especially since you used the word "chilling"?

Also, on a personal note, I'd love it if you could change your username because you should NOT feel guilty. I hope you come to see yourself differently. HUGS and HEARTS.
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guiltymom

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« Reply #9 on: September 14, 2021, 04:13:37 PM »

Leaf, it was chilling because he said it in a fairly calm, conversational tone. He also used that tone when he told me in seventh grade, "You're a bitch." It really is scary to look back at all the clues I chose to willfully ignore—hence my "guiltymom" name! I know it's pathetic but I was at a low point when I chose it.

Also—Matt Amodio is the king! I wish the focus were more on him and not the host/hosts saga.
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