First Post: Feeling totally alone

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It´s been a long time since I decided to get help from a group, but I´ve never took a time to write. Each time, the same questions: how can I start ? How could I apologize for my weird English ? How can I ask for help?

I´m from Brazil (so, I’m not a native English speaker...) and my wife has BPD. She´s never been "formally" diagnosticated with BPD because all her former therapists (a lot of therapists) didn´t know exactly how this disorder can be distinguished from others, like depression, panic etc. In general, all of them said she has only “panic disorder”. After years jumping from one professional to another, a psychiatrist who helped her for some time (she stopped the therapy with that one, too) told me my wife probably has BPD. In fact, when I started to attend therapy sessions for myself, my therapist said me the very high probability that I´m stuck in a relationship with a BPD woman, since she fills almost all eight BPD traits, starting from pathologic fear of abandonment, anger and emotional swings, among others. 

As a non-BPD partner, the life is a daily struggle: nowadays, as she is suffering from insomnia, she blames me when she isn´t able to sleep, demanding me to stay alert during the night to wait her fall asleep and, when I can´t do it, she accuses me of don´t care about her problem. When I talk to her to find a doctor to prescribe medicines to help, she get furious, saying she will never take “chemical” medicines. For years, she’s refused to recognize a lot of her symptoms, but the biggest refusal is to take medicines to reduce anxiety or depression. In other words, she has a strong ‘pharmacophobia’, refusing all prescriptions from doctors or therapists who recommend her taking some medicines to try to reduce insomnia, anxiety, anger or manage depression episodes. Instead, she always seeks for “alternative” medicines, obviously with little or no effect.
Frequently, I have to deal with her anger episodes, situations where she argues with me in a no-winner monologue, destroy things and cry for help, while saying all of her suffering is my fault. Today, insomnia is my fault, but other days i´m responsible for not having bought the neighbor house, blocking her dream to expand our house and made her life better (we already live in a big house); in another occasion, I wasn´t able to “save” her or give her “security”. Until some time ago, I wasn´t able even to go to the groceries without her, because she couldn´t stay by herself at home. It´s common to me being humiliated for no or little reason in front of other people.

Well, today I´m searching for a way to carry on my own life, because I decided to not stay in this relationship,  but it´s not easy when for more than a decade we´ve been shared our jobs (we are partners in a office). While I can´t start the divorce or plan my life without her, I try to improve strategies to manage the relationship with the help of a therapist. But after so many years suffering, I realized I lost touch with my own family and friends, and that to the point I´m not able to share with anyone (except the professional who helps me) the overwhelming suffering I have to manage all days.

So, that is. I need someone to talk. I need friends. I fell i´m alone most of the time.

[f.fields]

It´s been a long time since I decided to get help from a group, but I´ve never took a time to write. Each time, the same questions: how can I start ? How could I apologize for my weird English ? How can I ask for help?

I´m from Brazil (so, I’m not a native English speaker...) and my wife has BPD. She´s never been "formally" diagnosticated with BPD because all her former therapists (a lot of therapists) didn´t know exactly how this disorder can be distinguished from others, like depression, panic etc. In general, all of them said she has only “panic disorder”. After years jumping from one professional to another, a psychiatrist who helped her for some time (she stopped the therapy with that one, too) told me my wife probably has BPD. In fact, when I started to attend therapy sessions for myself, my therapist said me the very high probability that I´m stuck in a relationship with a BPD woman, since she fills almost all eight BPD traits, starting from pathologic fear of abandonment, anger and emotional swings, among others. 

As a non-BPD partner, the life is a daily struggle: nowadays, as she is suffering from insomnia, she blames me when she isn´t able to sleep, demanding me to stay alert during the night to wait her fall asleep and, when I can´t do it, she accuses me of don´t care about her problem. When I talk to her to find a doctor to prescribe medicines to help, she get furious, saying she will never take “chemical” medicines. For years, she’s refused to recognize a lot of her symptoms, but the biggest refusal is to take medicines to reduce anxiety or depression. In other words, she has a strong ‘pharmacophobia’, refusing all prescriptions from doctors or therapists who recommend her taking some medicines to try to reduce insomnia, anxiety, anger or manage depression episodes. Instead, she always seeks for “alternative” medicines, obviously with little or no effect.
Frequently, I have to deal with her anger episodes, situations where she argues with me in a no-winner monologue, destroy things and cry for help, while saying all of her suffering is my fault. Today, insomnia is my fault, but other days i´m responsible for not having bought the neighbor house, blocking her dream to expand our house and made her life better (we already live in a big house); in another occasion, I wasn´t able to “save” her or give her “security”. Until some time ago, I wasn´t able even to go to the groceries without her, because she couldn´t stay by herself at home. It´s common to me being humiliated for no or little reason in front of other people.

Well, today I´m searching for a way to carry on my own life, because I decided to not stay in this relationship,  but it´s not easy when for more than a decade we´ve been shared our jobs (we are partners in a office). While I can´t start the divorce or plan my life without her, I try to improve strategies to manage the relationship with the help of a therapist. But after so many years suffering, I realized I lost touch with my own family and friends, and that to the point I´m not able to share with anyone (except the professional who helps me) the overwhelming suffering I have to manage all days.

So, that is. I need someone to talk. I need friends. I fell i´m alone most of the time.

[Calli]

Hi Fields,
Welcome!
I am relatively new here as well - and I just wanted to say I hear you, you are not alone.  It sounds like it has been a long and difficult struggle.  So many of us have similar stories and heartbreaks and I hope and expect you’ll find this to be a very supportive and understanding place to voice your experiences and to receive help.  People on these forums have incredible insights and suggestions.  I have found it to be so valuable in my recovery and while detaching from my ex w BPD. I have found that even just reading through posts and listening to others as they shared their struggles has really helped me feel not alone.  Like I have a place now where I can get it all out - I never had that before, so I am grateful. 
I hope you also can feel that here too.

[Ad Meliora]

Hi F.Fields,  You started just fine, your written English is just fine and Welcome.  I am fairly new too and found it good to have this forum to share experiences with.  I was dealing with the break-up all alone as well.

Thankfully, you have had some therapists help diagnose your partner's BPD (kinda) so you understand now what has been going on in your relationship.  My BPDex also suffered from insomnia and nights I was with her she blamed me for her lack of sleep.

Is your primary language Spanish or Portuguese?  Maybe you can write things out that way and someone else will be able help understand the exact words.  Your message came across clear to me.  I hope this forum can provide some solace and comfort to you, and help you in the difficult decision to separate from a partner of 10 years. It's extra difficult if it is someone you work with in a small office.  Good luck.

[SinisterComplex]

Fields, you are not alone. Although it is understandable how isolating dealing with a partner with abnormal behavioral patterns can be. Please use this resource as much as necessary to get your thoughts out. Share as much as you are comfortable sharing. You will have a lot of good members on this forum who you can relate with. I myself will check in when time permits. Please be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself and most of all...get back to living for yourself and do what you need to do to be happy and enjoy life. Choose to live, not just exist.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-