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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Recycling Ultimatum  (Read 776 times)
Deep Blue

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 48


« on: September 18, 2021, 09:18:41 PM »

Hello,

I broke up with me exwBPD 2 weeks ago, and she hasn’t reached out, but in the event she does, would it be a bad idea to say “yes, let’s give it another shot, but only if we go to dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT)”. Even though I broke it off, I’m still very much in love with her and I did so because of the increasing fights and toxicity, in spite of my efforts of being patient and reassuring her. It was destroying all the beautiful and fun memories that we made together. I told her this was why I pulled the plug and that I still truly care for her. I’m not sure if she believes me or not.

My thought process is that the only way a relationship with someone with BPD has a chance of working out it’s through having them go through DBT. Either that or the non BPD individual to become a complete an utter doormat and not enforce boundaries.

Part of me also understands that this obsessive dwelling on the what if’s and having hope isn’t helped me moving past her, but no matter how much I distract myself I can’t stop thinking about her and the whole situation.

 If there is another way of going about this or if this is a bad idea, I’d appreciate any feedback.

Thank you
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Couper
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« Reply #1 on: September 18, 2021, 09:26:35 PM »

My thoughts are that since they tend not to honor agreements, these conditional negotiations are just another tool they will use to turn things around on you.  This could very quickly turn into a score-keeping scenario and, since the goalpost tends to move constantly, it is a game you cannot win.  

More to the point, someone undertaking self-improvement has to want to do it for themselves.  Does she know what DBT is?  If so, for it to have any hope of success I think it is something she is going to have to want to do for herself whether you are present or not.  Would she, outside of the scenario you described?  
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grumpydonut
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« Reply #2 on: September 18, 2021, 09:51:44 PM »

I'd say your chances of this working are less than 1 in 1,000.

People with BPD who are successfully treated are more often the ones who self select into DBT therapy. Forcing someone into therapy, like you're considering here, is going to lead to you being manipulated and / or resented.

Remember the two parts of BPD - fear of abandonment AND fear of engulfment. Controlling someone in this way is engulfing.
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SinisterComplex
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« Reply #3 on: September 18, 2021, 10:55:38 PM »

Deep Blue it is your life to live. What you do is on you. Having said that...listen to what Grumpy is saying here. Everything is still fresh for you. You are still sorting out your feelings and processing everything. However, this thought is not something I would suggest. In truth I would urge you to keep yourself away. If you go back for more it is not going to get better. In truth, she perhaps would play you like a fiddle and perhaps set you up for a harder fall as a way to get back at you. So be forewarned on that.

You need to seriously look through the recycling stories here on this forum. Educate yourself further. When you think you have learned enough...no you are not even close to scratching the surface...remember that.

You need to heal. If you go back into the fire none of us would judge you because we have been there and we get it. This is why you are hearing from someone like me and Grumpy to do something that was taught in school when we are all young...JUST SAY NO!

It is a process and it is a long journey. Do not hang your head. Do not be afraid to feel. Hell let it all out on here. Step by step, day by day it will get better. Trust in the process and have faith. Impatience is your enemy here.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
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Through Adversity There is Redemption!
Sappho11
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« Reply #4 on: September 19, 2021, 03:37:48 AM »

My thoughts are that since they tend not to honor agreements, these conditional negotiations are just another tool they will use to turn things around on you.  This could very quickly turn into a score-keeping scenario and, since the goalpost tends to move constantly, it is a game you cannot win.

This, so much this. Deep Blue, I was once in your shoes. The first time my ex and I broke up, I was completely broken, like you I literally thought I would die of the pain. All of a sudden, my ex came back after two weeks, begging me to take him back (he was the one who had initiated the break-up). He promised me the world and more: How he had seen that things couldn't go on this way, how he would cut all contact with the ex he had been triangulating me with, how he would go to therapy (!), how he would sort out his life, how he would prove that he could protect me and be there for me etc. etc.

When this happened, I was on top of the world. It was like a dream come true. Here was everything I had longed and suffered for, just like you are longing and suffering now! Finally, the reunification with the soulmate I so dearly loved!

Except – it wasn't. It was a stereotypical BPD/NPD recycle. He blatantly needed me to fulfil his needs of the moment, and I refused to see it. (Hell, he even told me that he came back because two other women hadn't responded to his messages. How blind was I?) The next four months were a complete hell of intermittent reinforcement. My ex broke every. single. promise he had given, within the first two weeks or so. I began to have psychosomatic symptoms, anxieties and panic attacks I'd NEVER experienced in my life, despite having gone through various traumatic experiences in my childhood. Nothing compared to the slow mental torture of the following months.

When I asked him what had happened to his promises, he literally told me: "Well, I had to say these things to get you back, you would never have taken me back otherwise, would you? So you made me say these things!" It was bizarre, psychotic and pathological, and I believed him.

He discarded me again four months later. That's when I finally woke up to the fact that I had been with someone who was mentally ill, who had never cared for me, who would never care for me; and slowly, as the pain subsided, I realised how lucky I was, because I do not want to be a caretaker for a mentally ill person for the rest of my life.

I can only advise you to do what I did at the time, and that is to write out two separate documents:

1) A collection of all the instances your ex treated you poorly, disregarded your feelings, hurt you, acted selfishly, etc. You NEED this data to get a clear, honest picture of her. Then, once you have this, write out

2) A detailed, honest visualisation of what life would be like with her. Not what you want it to be, but what it actually would be like, based on her behaviours of the past. How carelessly she would treat you. How she would probably cheat on you sooner or later. How she would ruin every birthday, anniversary, holiday with her toxic behaviour. Etc. etc. I'm sure you have a good picture of what this would look like in your specific case.

Deep Blue it is your life to live. What you do is on you. Having said that...listen to what Grumpy is saying here. Everything is still fresh for you. You are still sorting out your feelings and processing everything. However, this thought is not something I would suggest. In truth I would urge you to keep yourself away. If you go back for more it is not going to get better. In truth, she perhaps would play you like a fiddle and perhaps set you up for a harder fall as a way to get back at you. So be forewarned on that.

You need to seriously look through the recycling stories here on this forum. Educate yourself further. When you think you have learned enough...no you are not even close to scratching the surface...remember that.

You need to heal. If you go back into the fire none of us would judge you because we have been there and we get it. This is why you are hearing from someone like me and Grumpy to do something that was taught in school when we are all young...JUST SAY NO!

It is a process and it is a long journey. Do not hang your head. Do not be afraid to feel. Hell let it all out on here. Step by step, day by day it will get better. Trust in the process and have faith. Impatience is your enemy here.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

All of this, too.
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Dad50
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« Reply #5 on: September 19, 2021, 09:12:21 AM »

Where are the recycling stories?
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Deep Blue

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Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 48


« Reply #6 on: September 19, 2021, 11:40:31 AM »

Hello,

Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts and insights with me. I guess I’m just really struggling with being able to let go, and I’m clinging to a hope that we will get back together and that there is a way it could all work out. But that‘a the problem. I’m assuming there is a line to walk that yields success. And after reading post after post after post on this website, I’m slowly being forced to realize that there isn’t a line that I can walk. That’s the nature of the illness. It prevents healthy long standing relationships. That’s the hardest realization for me to get over. It’s the subtle hope that I have thinking stuff like “there’s gotta be something I’m missing here” or “if I just showed more love or more of this or that, then everything would be perfect”.

This whole situation is just so bizarre and so painful and so confusing. The emotional fallout,, how easily she is seemingly moving on, the what if’s. I haven’t been able to sleep well at all, waking up with horrid stomach aches multiple times throughout the night. I’m just so stuck on her and my wishful thinking and hopes.
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SinisterComplex
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Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 1190



« Reply #7 on: September 19, 2021, 11:53:15 AM »

Where are the recycling stories?

Use the search function at the top. You will find a lot of stories throughout the years. You can use the term recycle. Use BPD relationships patterns. ETC. Many, many stories.

Cheers!

-SC-
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Through Adversity There is Redemption!
SinisterComplex
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« Reply #8 on: September 19, 2021, 12:02:04 PM »

Deep Blue, your thought here...It’s the subtle hope that I have thinking stuff like “there’s gotta be something I’m missing here” or “if I just showed more love or more of this or that, then everything would be perfect”. - That is the same thinking that has brought most of the members on this site to the board.

I am going to tell you right now...do not let your pride or ego get in the way of rational sense here. You are not going to outsmart this thing. You are not going to find the smoking gun or the magic bullet.

Bottom line is you got kicked in the nuts. Yes it hurts. Yes it sucks. However, the pain will pass. Just don't go down the rabbit hole thinking you are going to prove everyone wrong and love will prevail and you will find a way. Sorry homie...that's not happening. The reality is in the long run it will be addition by subtraction. You will look back on this event as a favor and something hopefully helped you learn to grow and become a better version of yourself.

If you choose to go against the grain and the wisdom that has been granted to you that is your prerogative, but I would ask you to be honest with yourself and ask yourself the questions like is the juice worth the squeeze? Is the reward worth the risk? Is your life going to be enhanced? Are going about it for the right reasons? With something like this critical thinking is what will legitimately save your Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post)$$.

Cheers!

-SC-
« Last Edit: September 19, 2021, 12:10:48 PM by SinisterComplex » Logged

Through Adversity There is Redemption!
Couper
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« Reply #9 on: September 19, 2021, 01:46:33 PM »

I guess I’m just really struggling with being able to let go, and I’m clinging to a hope that we will get back together and that there is a way it could all work out.

Would you say that thus far you have started down the road of the five stages of grief?  If so, you would currently be in the middle (bargaining) and maybe looking at it as such will give you a crystal ball as to what still lies ahead.
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B53
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« Reply #10 on: September 19, 2021, 06:15:13 PM »

You are on the detaching forum, so the advice we give you here is going to be less supportive for getting back together, then if you were on the forum to reverse a breakup. We are trying to help people who are trying to detach, not get back together.

My ex was doing a DBT program during my last recycle, which was the reason I gave it another try. I believe he did want to change, but he didn’t. The last one was the worst of all. I’m not sorry I tried again, because I would have always wondered if the therapy helped and we had a chance of making it work. It was a very painful aha moment.

There are people on the other forums that are sticking with there BPD partners, mostly because they have children together. You might want to read some of their stories. They deal with a lot of drama and are constantly looking for the correct way to communicate and validate. Some of the people there have been with their partner for 20 years or more. You are young, with your whole future ahead of you. This was your first relationship and you have nothing to compare it to. You don’t know what a real loving relationship is like and how wonderful it can truly be. Do you love her enough to give years of your life to someone who will easily kick you to the curb at any moment and carry on with their life like you never existed? BPD is a serious mental illness and you can’t love them out of it! You deserve to be with someone that gives back the love you are giving them, not someone who lives in a fantasy world and who mostly takes and gives very little back. My therapist told me that being with a person with BPD changes who you are.  She will most likely take away your confidence, your happiness and your self-worth. I know we are being harsh, but  we are giving you tough love. We have stood in your shoes.

It’s your life and the ultimate decision is up to you. If you do decide to try it again and it doesn’t work, please come back here. We will not judge you, we will not say we told you so, because most of us here been there, done that. What ever you decide, we will support.

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Cant breathe
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« Reply #11 on: September 19, 2021, 10:25:01 PM »

Five recycles for me. Don't do it! Please.
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