Looking for support

I have been married for 35 years. For much of that time I have felt there was something not quite right about our relationship. However, we are very much alike in some ways and in spite of some difficult times managed to get through and stay broadly happy. Then almost four years ago my mother had a stroke, but was able to live independently for the last two years of her life. This event seemed to trigger something in my wife, and behaviour which I had been accustomed to and able to navigate in the past seemed to go into overdrive. It was my 30 year old daughter who was able to describe it most succinctly: it is like walking on eggshells and she always has to be right. After reading around the issues and behaviours (including '5 types of people who can ruin your life' by Bill Eddy) I came across the book 'Stop walking on eggshells' by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger. The descriptions in the book resonated so clearly that it was almost spooky. It starts to make sense of so much that I have experienced (including panic attacks when interacting with my wife ten years ago, which led to me being on antidepressants ever since). But it also helps me to understand how painful it must be for my wife too, so I can think of her with more compassion in spite of my being the target of blame - along with my now deceased mother - and being held responsible for everything that has gone wrong. I have not helped matters by simply trying to go along with her narrative and simply agreeing with everything she says, even if it goes against my principles and means being less than honest. I have no desire to divorce. I am sure I still love her, but I need to find a way to make life bearable. I am sure that she knows deep dlown that there is something wrong about her behaviour, but she keeps insisting that everything she does, says and feels is 'completely normal'. If I give any indication that this may not be entirely the case (what is completely normal anyway?) it is met by distress and rage. So I go along with the idea that seems to comfort her, that I must have Asperger's. But I rather doubt it - even if I recognise some of the traits in me - as it has never caused any difficulties in any other area of my life. But if it helps her cope with the idea that I (and my mother) have caused all our problems, that she is completely innocent and has done nothing wrong, but I am not completely evil (otherwise why would she even want to stay with me?) so be it. Unfortunately it is not enough. However much I tell her that I love her, understand her (which is more true now than ever after reading the 'Eggshells' book) and am sorry for all the hurt I have caused her, it is never enough. And the endless questioning and conflict goes on (much of it about incidents decades ago)...



Diagnosis + Treatment The Big Picture Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ] Five Dimensions of Human Personality Think It's BPD but How Can I Know? DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders Treatment of BPD [ Video ] Getting a Loved One Into Therapy Top 50 Questions Members Ask Home page Forum List of discussion groups Making a first post Find last post Discussion group guidelines Tips Romantic relationship in or near breakup Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD Sibling or Parent with BPD Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD Partner or Spouse with BPD Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship Tools Wisemind Ending conflict (3 minute lesson) Listen with Empathy Don't Be Invalidating Setting boundaries On-line CBT Book reviews Member workshops About Mission and Purpose Website Policies Membership Eligibility Please Donate