He says I’ve never valued him; how to approach this?

[Tuxedo Cat]

My undiagnosed husband has left the home and moved in to an apartment.  There have been many twists and turns since then but for the moment we seem to be at a point where we are trying to listen (hopefully) to each other.  One thing he says is that have never valued him.  We have been married 20 years and have been through a lot related to bpd behaviors (depression, rages/disassociation, suicide threats). I hear what he’s saying and see the hurt he feels, and definitely don’t want him to feel he’s not valued by me.  Of course I value him.  I feel like I’ve worked so hard at trying to show it.  I guess what I’m looking for is a way to start a dialogue that might help work toward an understanding that maybe things aren’t so black and white (the “I’ve never valued him”). 

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[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Tuxedo Cat, 

Welcome to the board! I'm glad you've shared a bit of what is going on. I'm sorry about the painful separation that you have recently experienced, but glad that you are looking for ways to improve your communication with your DH. 

Have you read this link: https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

It can be tough to learn to be validating to a pwBPD,  yet one step at a time, you can learn to do it. I would guess from what you said that you've tried your best to be validating, but he hasn't been able to hear you even when you feel as if it is all you've been doing. The good news is that these skills can help anyone, even those who are not in a relationship with a pwBPD.

Once you read the link, why don't you give us an example of how a  typical conversation goes with your DH, and the members here can give you some examples to help you.

 
Wools

[Tuxedo Cat]

One example is when I remained “friends” on social media with someone who later became an enemy of his (he usually quickly identifies opponents or adversaries in most areas of his life). I did not like this person at all and at the time I told him so frequently. However, it was advantageous for him that I associated with them at the time.  If I had unfriended, it could be perceived as a slight and the person could have held it against him.  So I waited and cut off the social media association (I wasn’t in person friends) Fast forward two years and this person is again a threat and tries to do some real damage to him!  It was awful, and I backed him as much as I could and definitely made it known to him that I was on his side completely and felt this person was horrible.
Well…all of the sudden, I’m lumped in with this person and he tells me I enabled their behavior somehow.  He becomes so angry and accusatory.  I’m utterly confused.  This happens right after he’s moved out.  I KNOW I didn’t enable this person and I sure don’t like being accused of somehow working with them against him.  I tell him that this is not true and I cannot accept this accusation.
Today he tells me that he had been telling me not to associate with them two years back but I just never listened and I’ve never listened to him since the beginning of our marriage and I’ve never valued him and that this situation is empirical evidence of this.
This is the thing: I never liked this person, the only reason why I had any interaction was in support of him.  I think it’s totally unfair to accuse me of working with them against him.  How can I work with this/open a dialogue where I’m not having to “admit” to being involved in a scheme that doesn’t exist but still try to show him I DO value him?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi TuxedoCat,

It can be really tough trying to speak with a pwBPD or traits of BPD. In a relationship, you will end up needing to be the emotionally healthy one because they are so unstable. My mom was an uBPD, and she also frequently brought things up from years before and repeated them over and over. It was very frustrating.

Have you ever tried in response to say something like, "You're right, that would be really frustrating to anyone in those shoes. I would be frustrated in that situation too. Thank you for letting me know." Then walk away for a bit. You're validating, but not taking ownership for something you didn't do, and you're acknowleding his feelings and saying you heard him. I tried this and it was very helpful. I didn't stick around, just found something else to do. SET: support, empathy, truth.

How are you doing today?

 
Wools

[Tuxedo Cat]

I am doing okay today and thank you for your reply.  I am in the process of watching the video about validation in the article that was suggested in an earlier reply, and your suggestion is definitely something I’ve never thought of and will try.  I know that he really believes I enabled this person to hurt him and that knowledge just really hurts me because it’s so far from anything I’d ever do or could even have done, practically speaking! I feel like he’s split me.
Things have been a bit better the past few days and I feel like we’re making small steps at listening to each other.

[Woolspinner2000]

There were times in my relationship that I was accused of things that weren't true. It was so painful emotionally, and I am the least likely person to have done the things I was accused of doing. Many times a person who is unstable emotionally starts to project what they believe on to those closest to them, even if it's not true. Those are the times to be strong in who you know you are. As you've said, that isn't you.

Defining words don't have to define you. Think about what it means to be a separate person from him, One who is secure in who she is, and that can help you to rise above the hurtful words and know that isn't a true definition of you. It can be difficult to find yourself when you've been together for so long, but you can rediscover that and at the same time become more stable in the relationship as a result.

Wools