discarded and trying to move on

[aero0421]

Hi, after lurking on these forums, I'm posting my story with the hopes that others might be able to relate or have advice for me.

I had a 2.5 year relationship with someone who I'm about 99% certain has, at the very least, BDP traits. Unfortunately, I didn't figure this out until she had already left me, and after spending time trying to figure out her impulsive and confusing behaviour.

Some background: we are both bisexual women. I met her because she was married to my (male) friend. We became close, and were best friends for about 3 years. Eventually it became clear that romantic feelings had developed between us. She had been married/with her husband for 8 years and the relationship was having problems. She had asked to open up their marriage to other people a few years earlier, and she wanted to pursue something with me. I was scared at first, given that she's married and I didn't want to get hurt, but as with many BDP people, she was so charming and adoring and swept up in me that I eventually fell in love. She was so all-in on me after only a month or so. Talked about wanting to be with me forever, to have kids and start a family, how her husband wasn't right for her etc. She started spending all her time with me, destroying her marriage. After about a year  of this, she finally decided to break up with her husband and moved out.

But when she moved in to a new apartment on her own, suddenly she became like a different person. She was distant, wanted space from me, talking a lot about boundaries and how she needs to "be alone" during this time. We fought back and forth for a few months. This culminated in her breaking up with me, telling me our relationship was unhealthy and holding her back. The next day she had a full breakdown and called me asking for help. I came over and stayed with her, and the next day it was like whatever spell she had been under was snapped. She was loving and happy again.

This lasted for another 4 or 5 months. We were happy. Around Christmas, she came to me and told me that she had cheated on me in August. She said that because we had been fighting, she thought "we were done" but that now she has realised that she wants to be with me and build a future together. She said she recognised she has deep problems (she thought it was sex/love addiction). She promised to go to therapy together and work on stuff. She said that she had pushed me away because she was scared that I was going to leave her  and it was easier to run from me.

In January and February things got tough again. I was upset about the cheating which led to a few bad fights. And the pattern happened again: the fighting made her decide that things were over. In March we decided to try to start over, forgive and see if we could salvage things. Then, 3 days later, her ex approached her (they had been separated this whole time, but not divorced). He told her that she had messed him up and he was happier without her, and was ready to get divorced officially.

This set off a "bad spell" even worse than the previous year. She was anxious all the time, telling me she was "consumed with guilt" over me and therefore unable to feel happy. She told me that just looking at my face made her feel horrible about herself. Her two biggest issues have always been guilt/shame/thinking she is a bad person, and fear of abandonment. Her ex saying those things clearly triggered both of those in a really extreme way.

In April she emailed me in the middle of the night saying she needs to be alone, that she has deep work to do on herself and wants to do it alone. We talked in person and I got her to confess that she has been in her self-loathing place again, and projecting her own image of herself on to me. I asked if she wanted to take a 6 months break and she clung to me and said she didn't want that. Then I suggested a 1 month break to give her some space to grieve her divorce. We agreed. The following day I emailed, telling her that I would give as much space as needed and that I knew she was a good person.

We didn't speak at all during the break. I reached out after about 6 weeks, with a 2 sentence email just to check on how she was doing. What I received back was a breathtakingly cold email telling me that cutting me out of her life had allowed her to finally find "deep happiness and self acceptance" and that I should move on. She has refused to have an actual conversation since then (this was May), and blocked me on her phone.

some other notes: both of her parents have personality disorders. She had a traumatic childhood, father abandoned her, triggering her fear of abandonment. She has been the one to leave every relationship she has been in, and has cheated on all of her partners. I think her marriage worked for a while because her husband was extremely calm, completely submissive, never ever fought with her, and would never leave her. He was insecure enough that he would do anything to appease her.

Clearly, she has decided that I was the thing that was making her unhappy and she had to get rid of me so she could be healthy. I recently found out that, despite telling me how badly she needed to be alone so that she could work on herself,  a few weeks later she jumped into another relationship. She spent the entire summer with my replacement, basking in how she has found inner peace.

I'm devastated. It's now been about 4.5 months and I'm still consumed with hurt and confusion. Like many people here, the "good times" had been the happiest I had ever felt. Her discarding me abruptly, refusing to talk to me, and then immediately jumping into a new relationship has left me feeling like our relationship was not what I had thought it was. I feel especially betrayed since we had been best friends for a long time before anything romantic happened. It feels like I put in all this work to be there for her during the bad times, and now she is giving the "fun" to this random guy she just met.

She is seemingly moving just as fast and intensely with this guy, as she did with me. After being together for at most 3 months, she brought this man to her best friend's wedding and went on a weeks long European vacation with him.

I still miss her all the time, even though I know she treated me horribly. When I discovered that she had been hiding her new relationship, I messaged her: "I really thought we were best friends.  How could you move on so fast?". and she replied saying she hopes we can be best friends again and that she is still processing everything.

I can't help but worry that somehow she will all of a sudden change for this man and be able to sustain this relationship. She claims to be so happy. Logically it seems unlikely that she is actually working on herself or addressing her problems. But it's so jarring to see how "happy" she is with a new person, galavanting around Europe while I'm here grieving. This has been the hardest part yet, and I drive myself crazy wondering if actually I *am* the problem like she says, and she is now able to be happy with someone else.

Anyone have any advice on how to cope? Also, she has said she wants to talk about stuff "once we are both more healed", and I don't know how I would respond to that. My friends all say I should never talk to her again after how she has treated me. But my heart still misses her and it would be hard to turn down a chance to talk to her, after all this silence.

[SinisterComplex]

Aero, welcome.  I hope it felt good for you to share your story. Its a lot of weight to carry. You are safe here and we care and we do treat each other like family here...in a healthy way of course ;-). However, before I provide any legitimate feedback I have to ask...what is your end game? What is your goal? To re-connect and give it another go? Or are you wanting to learn to detach and treat this as a failed relationship and educate yourself to better yourself for future relationships?

There is another forum I would recommend if you want to re-connect and better the relationship then head to https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0

This is the board more focused on detaching.

Depending on which route you WANT to go will be a different perspective and feedback I will provide. No one can tell you what to do.

I will be honest...you really won't even need much of my feedback because this site is a phenomenal resource to arm yourself with the knowledge you need to make informed decisions. Search recycling, BPD relationship patterns, etc in the search function box.

Lastly, hey take it easy on yourself. You are not the problem. None of this is your fault. Keep your head and continue to post. Vent as much as you need to. Ask as many questions as you need to.

Cheers and best wishes!

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[aero0421]

Thanks for the kind message. I think I've just recently turned the corner to wanting to just detach and somehow undo all the damage to myself. I feel really wounded and raw. And I'm still somewhat in a stage of trying to understand it all, which this site has been super helpful for.

One strange nagging thing to me is that this person has been in therapy for 10+ years. But none of it is focused on bpd nor has she been diagnosed. I've read that it can be quite hard to diagnose someone, and obviously her therapist is hearing biased thoughts, but I still find it weird. It was not until this divorce that she "realized" that she has been approaching relationships wrong her whole life. And she started talking about how she needed to become a whole person, how she had never been able to be alone and that was a problem, needed to learn to set boundaries and not be codependent etc. But clearly all that went out the window once she was triggered and she jumped right into another relationship. I think she believes she has attachment problems but definitely does not feel she has bpd. Personally I don't see how she couldn't have at least a mild case, given the way she has coldly left me overnight and moved right on to the next (and her severe abandonment and shame problems).

Is it possible for people with bpd to only exhibit the symptoms when they are really triggered? She was extremely triggered by her ex telling her she had messed him up. She probably even felt abandoned, even though SHE left him and destroyed their marriage. It was clear to me she was in this very feral state when she broke up with me.

One thing that is driving me nuts is that maybe she was triggered by all of that and dumped me abruptly and now is no longer triggered, so this random new guy will get a happy time with her? I know it's not productive to think like that, it just feels so deeply unfair given how many years I've stuck by her side and put up with horrible stuff.

[Dad50]

I cannot offer you any advice. All I can do is say, like so many stories on here yours is my story. Putting these all together it really does start to make clear it is them, not us. Not to say we don't have ownership of our part in the yuck, but honestly you and your ex couldn't be more different than me and mine, but the story is the exact same.

Just like you, it breaks my heart that she is so in love with new fella within one week of us breaking up. What if everything is perfect with him? Maybe it was me all along who was the problem. All those thoughts.

How come she can treat the new person with such patience and loving kindness while I had no room to even breathe. If she could just treat me like she treats him, etc etc.

The reality is that you are probably right. She is love bombing her new person just like she love bombed you in the beginning. You are probably right in your assessment of why her husband lasted so long because he was totally subservient. What I am coming to realize is that even the good times I romanticize probably weren't that good.

Also, it is heart and gut wrenching to know they seem to be "making it work" with someone new. They probably aren't though.

[aero0421]

Thanks. It's incredibly helpful to find out that all these strangers online have been through similar feelings.

One of the hardest parts for me is that I was best friends with this person for 5 years before things ever became romantic. And she was a really good friend! She was actually the one who helped me through my previous breakups. When she started pursuing things with me, I had been really apprehensive (for valid reasons). She told me she knew I had been hurt before and she would never be mean to me like other people had been. I trusted her and fell in love. The sad irony is she's hurt me more than everyone else combined. It's not even close.

[Dad50]

Yep, my exwBPD was 100x crueler than anyone in my life, including my ex wife. All my previous girlfriends were actually kind. While in my 5 year relationship, I would wake up sick to my stomach terrified about what pain was going to be inflicted. Walking on eggshells.

When I was finally free, I was and am sadder than I have ever been in my life. I mean, I wasn't sad when my wife of ten years wanted a divorce. I was relieved. I wasn't super sad when I ended things with several very kind girlfriends. I am shattered by the end of 5 years of abuse. Just sad.

I will tell you, though, reading these boards is helping me see clearer just how mean she was. I know it was her disorder, but I am coming to terms with the fact that I do not deserve it.

I hope it helps to see that our seemingly completely irrational sadness is pretty explainable by the trauma bonds, and manipulations, and so on.

[SinisterComplex]

One thing that is driving me nuts is that maybe she was triggered by all of that and dumped me abruptly and now is no longer triggered, so this random new guy will get a happy time with her? I know it's not productive to think like that, it just feels so deeply unfair given how many years I've stuck by her side and put up with horrible stuff.

Aero...please do yourself the service of abolishing this thought ^.

Sorry to be a bit abrasive for a moment, but life isn't fair. When it comes to mental health disorders there is no such thing as fairness. That is pure fantasy. Additionally, you gotta let go of the pride and ego. What I mean...it doesn't matter how much time you've put in and what you've put up with. Sadly, it is all irrelevant and insignificant when it comes to how unforgiving mental health disorders are.

I say the harsh words not to hurt you, but to provide a quick jolt to snap you into reality and realize you are not dealing with normalcy. The time invested, etc should matter yes, but under normal circumstances. That would be a reasonable expectation. But this isn't normal. Yes you may feel you are owed respect, gratitude, acknowledgement, etc but unfortunately you will not receive any of that and in a disordered person's view you are owed nothing. To make matters worse...how a disordered person's mind works is that they know what you really want, but they will purposely do everything in their power to not give it to you. This is where you need to understand that you are not dealing with a rational adult mind. This type of behavior and thinking is childish...yes. So, to at least give yourself a break look at things as though you are dealing with a child.

One important piece I have to throw in...you mention what you put up with. I hope this experience helps you grow and learn to not take anymore like you did. You gave too much and you put up with too much. Value yourself more to stand up for yourself and tell someone to go kick rocks if they cannot value you and respect you the way you want to be treated. By doing that it doesn't make you the bad guy either. No, that just makes you smart.

The last thing I want to expound on here..."The sad irony is she's hurt me more than everyone else combined. It's not even close." - This is sadly by design. You were collateral damage. She was a packed dirty bomb and you got eviscerated by the shrapnel in the blast zone. The closer you are the more used you get and the more hurt you will feel. Its a common thread in these kinds of relationships so at least you don't have to feel alone on that.

Aero, you are certainly far from alone here. Please continue to post and keep using this forum to help you in your healing process. Things will get better. You will be ok. You will become a better version of yourself when you come out on the other side of this. Trust in that and believe in it. Keep your head up.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

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[grumpydonut]

One thing that is driving me nuts is that maybe she was triggered by all of that and dumped me abruptly and now is no longer triggered, so this random new guy will get a happy time with her?

No. 100s of others on this board have wondered that, too. It's normal. But the answer is a definitive no - in the long term. In the short term, yes, he will. He will be idealised just like you were.

Consider this:

All BPDs have a pattern of unstable relationships. If she doesn't have unstable relationships, she doesn't have BPD. If she has BPD, she has unstable relationships.

You are sure she has BPD. Therefore, she will not have a stable (and happy) relationship with your replacement.

[aero0421]

Thanks both for your advice and kindness. I know in my logical mind that these thoughts are not at all productive, it’s just hard to push them away sometimes. It’s something I’m working through in therapy.

I think one thing that makes me feel crazy is that she is not diagnosed and is in therapy, so I don’t have any proof of this stuff. But so many behaviours scream bpd traits to me. Maybe a milder case? She has a successful career and lots of friends.

But all of her actions with romantic relationships are driven by fear of abandonment and shame/guilt, she has unstable relationships, has cheated on everyone, she distorts reality, acts impulsively on emotion with out thinking about consequences, intense idéalisation and then a light switch went off and I was devalued, pushed me away because she was scared I was going to leave despite my only trying to get closer to her, extremely cold discard with no explanation and blamed me for her own shame, has literally not been single for even one week since middle school, feels she has sex addiction, both parents diagnosed with disorders, extreme childhood trauma. The list goes on. She even admits to all of this! But does not believe she is disordered, nor has her therapist diagnosed her.

[Dad50]

"One thing that is driving me nuts is that maybe she was triggered by all of that and dumped me abruptly and now is no longer triggered, so this random new guy will get a happy time with her? I know it's not productive to think like that, it just feels so deeply unfair given how many years I've stuck by her side and put up with horrible stuff."


I am in this same stage Aero. I am so beaten down that I am still catering to my ex's desire to remain friends. Basically she wants to remain friends to tell me how in love she is with new guy, how many trips they have planned, how great he is, etc.

Those things aren't even the sad making parts. Like you said, the saddest part is why is she treating this new guy so well. You start to think if she had just been as patient and loving and kind with me we would still be together.  You start to think, if she can be so nice to him, maybe it was me. Mostly you wonder why she can be so understanding of new guy.

Then you remember that is how she was with you at the beginning too. Then you remember that she went from zero to 100 miles per hour in five seconds, just like with you.
.
It is so hard to see your ex seem to have a normal and even fantastic relationship with a new guy. It is all BS though. It is the same pattern.

[grumpydonut]

I am still catering to my ex's desire to remain friends

Hi Dad,

Is staying friends with her worth the impact on your self esteem?

[aero0421]

I so relate, Dad50. Especially as none of her friends have any idea about her emotional turmoil and issues. So they're all cheering on her new relationship. It feels like I'm living in the Truman show or something.

[ILMBPDC]

I so relate, Dad50. Especially as none of her friends have any idea about her emotional turmoil and issues. So they're all cheering on her new relationship. It feels like I'm living in the Truman show or something.

Oh this is so hard. The people I still work with that know him (we used to work together) all think he's this amazing, sweet guy.  And he probably still is, to them. None of them know we had been seeing each other, they all assumed we were just friends and no one knows we are no longer even friends...but why would they?  All in all, we are all just work acquaintances, not privy to personal lives beyond a basic knowledge. But of course this means that they don't know that any mention of him stabs me just a little bit, still.
I want to just ask how he is doing but I have been able to hold myself back. Partly because I know they will say "oh his great, he has a new GF, blah blah blah", and I know that will kill me. Partly because I know that will suck me back into wondering "why not me" (I'm still too raw). Partly because I know there is a tiny part of me that hopes they would mention to him I asked about him.  And this is all a slippery slope.

The only advice I can give is to work on distance, no contact and detaching. [And by no contact, that also means even through a third party, no looking at social media, no asking about her, no discussing her with mutual friends.] Work on healing yourself and try to get out of the "why didn't it work with me" spiral. I was in that for weeks. I think at this point I'm out of that and now trying to lessen the emotional hold he still has over me so I can move on. It takes time.

[ILMBPDC]

Hi Dad,
Is staying friends with her worth the impact on your self esteem?

idk about Dad50, but for me it wasn't. I look back and can honestly say I hated the person in my brain when I was still trying to be "friends" with him after the first discard. I felt crazy, unwanted, unloved, except for the few moments he acted like he wanted me. He was really good at saying the right thing, but never acting on it. He told me I was amazing, pretty, smart, but he never treated me like I was worth his time. I think half the time I was just craving his validation. It seriously is like a drug, I don't understand it at all.

[ILMBPDC]

I think one thing that makes me feel crazy is that she is not diagnosed and is in therapy, so I don’t have any proof of this stuff. But so many behaviours scream bpd traits to me. Maybe a milder case? She has a successful career and lots of friends.

Diagnosed or not she obviously exhibits disordered behaviors. I honestly don't care so much about the "official" diagnosis - being in a relationship with someone with BPD traits is awful and your feelings about her treatment of you are absolutely valid. BPD doesn't necessarily show up in all aspects of their lives. And all BPDs are a little different - you only need 5 of the 9 traits to be diagnosable and that means there's 126 combinations of BPD traits that people could have and still be diagnosed BPD. And some are pretty high functioning otherwise -

Case in point: My ex has a successful career too and is outgoing and friendly. As long as you don't get too close to him (romantic or best friend) he is a great guy. Once someone is really close to him his BPD shows up - he discards best friends and lovers like toilet paper. One wrong word to him and its good bye. He can't handle being called out about anything, he refuses to have a discussion, he just discards and blocks.  He has other BPD traits - 7 or 8 by my count - but you don't get to see them unless he allows you to become close, and by then its too late.

[Ad Meliora]

Hi Aero, welcome to the club.  Although, I don't think any of us wanted to join this especially.  I read what you wrote here and I am envious that at least your partner had some awareness that what she was doing wasn't right and that she needed to do some "deep work" on herself

In April she emailed me in the middle of the night saying she needs to be alone, that she has deep work to do on herself and wants to do it alone.

I never recall getting any kind of admission like this from my BPDex.  The most I ever got when it was super clear she was wrong and I was hurt was a deflated, "Oh..." and wait about 3 seconds and she would say, "Well you shouldn't have [fill in the blank]"  It was always turned back onto me, and of course being sensitive to her needs I would think to myself, 'I suppose I could've found another gear of compassion even higher than the one I was using'.

He has other BPD traits - 7 or 8 by my count - but you don't get to see them unless he allows you to become close, and by then its too late.

I've been thinking about this too ILM.  If you didn't get too close to my BPDex she was great.  Bubbly and effervescent.  She could be the 'life of the party' but was the death of me.  I look at the behaviors in the library and there wasn't one she didn't exhibit at one time or another.  On a good day she was running at 5 of 9, most days I put her 7-8 range. I don't know how I could be so blind.  Oh yeah, love.

[aero0421]

Ugh, I had been feeling a lot better yesterday, not really thinking about this stuff and doing my own thing. But I had horrible dreams about her last night and now I've regressed. I woke up so angry and resentful. 

I can't stop thinking about how she spent our entire relationship being depressed about her failed marriage and for the final year, pushing me away and telling me she needed space to do all this "work on herself". And now all of a sudden she's able to compartmentalize everything, is not depressed, and giving this random guy she barely knows all the things she never gave me. She really feels she has a whole new life and everything is so great now. She's posting photos of him and saying she's so happy. With me, not only would she never dare reveal me on her social media, but if other people posted a photo of me even sitting next to her, she would ask them to delete it, so as to not hurt her ex husband. That went on for years. But of course, that respect is not given to me.

[ILMBPDC]

Ugh, I had been feeling a lot better yesterday, not really thinking about this stuff and doing my own thing. But I had horrible dreams about her last night and now I've regressed. I woke up so angry and resentful.  

I'm sorry...unfortunately you will have ups and downs. I find the only thing I can do to get me out of my downward spirals is to distract myself. Do something - anything that will distract you from thinking about her.
Also... and this may sound weird...but look into tapping.  I went to a retreat in July and they had us doing abdominal tapping (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OiYgctKpKm8&t=106s), which I still do to this day when I am feeling anxious. It helps calm down my anxiety and get me out of my head. As a matter of fact, I just finished doing 5 minutes of it before logging on because I woke up anxious. There are other forms of tapping that are a little more subtle, you can find info all over the internet and people swear by it. It may not remove her from your thoughts but it can help calm your nervous system.

She really feels she has a whole new life and everything is so great now.

They feel this way with everyone - she may not have acted identically with you but she likely felt that you were amazing and her true love, etc, etc.

She's posting photos of him and saying she's so happy.

Stop following her social media. Its a form of contact and it will keep you tethered to her and making yourself feel worse.

Please remember none of this is about you - she has disordered thinking processes and it is truly a problem with her own mind, nothing to do with what you did, said or how you acted. Nothing you have done or could do would change how she is.

[Ad Meliora]

And now all of a sudden she's able to compartmentalize everything, is not depressed, and giving this random guy she barely knows all the things she never gave me. She really feels she has a whole new life and everything is so great now. She's posting photos of him and saying she's so happy.

Hi Aero I can see a little more clearly what's going on, and it's what happens with many of these relationships with someone with BPD.   We're with a person who is constantly telling us stories (lying) and we believe them, along with creating our own stories about them, e.g. 'This person is the love of my life, we were meant to be together, it was her ex husband that was the problem, etc...'.

It's hard to accept and understand that it was all just one big lie, a big delusion that is so aptly and convincingly portrayed by our BPDexs there seems no way it couldn't be true, but it's not.  The picture you're painting above is just the beginning of another (false) story, a big lie, and how these people "flip the switch" I don't know.  No one does, but it is what happens.  3 months, 3 years,  3 decades, they drop (discard) someone like they are chopped liver and it's over.

One other thing, and maybe you noticed this as you think back, a pwBPD doesn't know who they are.  They generally have a low-self concept and self-image.  As a bisexual person it will only be more confusing (especially to their partner).  It wouldn't surprise me if she continues to switch between men and women as time goes on as she doesn't even know what she wants, or who she is from one day to the next.

She lied to you before, she's lying to you now, she'll continue to lie into the future.  You're better off without her, even if it doesn't seem like it now.  Really, you have to focus on yourself and your needs.  Go to your support network for real help in getting through this.  We can only help so far in our shared experiences and anecdotes.

[AlbatrossRising]

Hang in there.

I know it’s so much to process. All of us here have had similar experiences. My wife of 4 years did this to me recently. Everything was so amazing at first. I told her and everyone I knew for 4 years how blessed I was and how I found my soulmate. I overlooked all her red flags like her alcohol and coping mechanisms. The fact she cheated and left every relationship suddenly for someone else. The fact that in every aspect of her life she was the victim. She even called me like her hero/savior/rescuer.

As time went on she struggled more and more. We have two daughters and all she wanted to do was play “mom” and wife on social media but not actually being those roles. She started getting more depressed, disconnected to the kids, multiple suicide attempts and psych holds, even abuse at me and the kids.  She praised me throughout for staying by her side and called herself terrible over and over for what she would put us through. Then suddenly one day she ghosted me and then wanted a divorce. This lead to a sudden departure on her end. She left me, filed for divorce, and was having an affair. She also put us in extreme debt and hid it. All while gaslighting and blaming me for everything. She even told me she never loved me and used me this entire time.

Currently, we are in a custody battle and she’s having my kids call the new guy “daddy” all while still gaslighting me that I’m the issue and she’s not with anyone.

I luckily am in a new relationship and am moving forward in my career. Doesn’t make things that easy though. She damaged me greatly and I have a ton of guards and baggage after everything. She destroyed me. But I’m rebuilding slowly. And now that I’m moving forward she has begun “hovering” at times. She’s stalked my house, questions and cares about what I’m doing in my career and who I’m with. All this after months of her saying “what I do is none of your business” and “I’m not your wife”.

Here’s the bottom line. BPD is like the relationship twilight zone. Suddenly and unexpectedly the person you trust the most does everything imaginable to betray and destroy you while blaming you. It’s their defense mechanism to prevent their false reality of being abandoned. They don’t have an identity so they chase highs and mimic who they are around or with. The use people. They suffer internally doing anything they can to keep their head above water. And they will do this again and again and again forever, unless they undergo years of actual effective treatment.

I know it’s hard. My life literally was destroyed by the love of my life. And I still love her. So take it from me, you’re better off without her. That person you fell in love with doesn’t really exist. You deserve something real. And even if they DID try to come back, it would be short lived.

It’s not your fault. It took me time to realize it wasn’t my fault either. They’re sick. Pathological. Unwell. And I feel bad for them/her. They will likely never find any peace and happiness. And everyone that they move on to will eventually face the same reality we did. It’s a cliche, but you really did dodge a bullet.

[ILMBPDC]

It’s their defense mechanism to prevent their false reality of being abandoned. They don’t have an identity so they chase highs and mimic who they are around or with. The use people. They suffer internally doing anything they can to keep their head above water. And they will do this again and again and again forever, unless they undergo years of actual effective treatment.

This is why I keep coming back to this forum - even though I feel like I have a handle on BPD, every now and then someone says something that just clicks. The funny thing is that nothing you said is something I didn't know, but the way you put it together ... it gave me a little more clarity on my discard.
My ex discarded me finally when I told him I felt like he was using me (this was months after we broke up and we were trying to be "friends"). He had an immediate split, told me I was an amazing woman but what I said hurt and he was no longer going to respond to me. It was whiplash. 
Looking back, I feel like he absolutely knows he's using people and doesn't want to be. He is trying to keep his head above water by discarding people who recognize this. It explains why he has no long term friends...eventually he can't hide his issues and they all see through him so he gets rid of them instead of addressing the issue.  Its sad, really.

Side note:  my ex seems to have a little more clarity than a lot of them - we had many long discussions about his mental health and his struggles and he told *me* he thinks he's BPD and needed help (which, to my knowledge, he still hasn't gotten- I think he thinks he can mange it on his own by listening to Jordan Peterson podcasts {rolling my eyes})

Sorry to hijack the thread...back to it

[aero0421]

She messaged me randomly last night. Made me feel so much worse. Once again talking about our time together like this horrible thing and she’s so much better off now.. I feel crazy.

This is what she said:
I just don’t feel like talking between us helps. I recognize that you’re extremely hurt and angry but there’s nothing I can say to make that go away. I just want you to heal and I’m trying to stay out of your way. I hope that can happen. You have a lot of ideas about what happened and I would say some of it overlaps with how I see it but not much. And I just don’t want to fight with you I don’t want to hash out what happened or where it all went wrong or who is at fault. I just want us to both be in a better place than we could were last year. I wish that for you every day. I don’t know. Words fall short. I can’t really express the right thing that you want to hear. I don’t have it. I just want you to be well and I’m sorry. .

[Cant breathe]

I hate that their notes are so cold. And it is such a shock because we know what they can be like then we are on their good side. I am so very sorry about the note you received. You deserve better, you deserve compassion. You are important and deserve respect. Wish I could give you a hug.

[ILMBPDC]

I hate that their notes are so cold. And it is such a shock because we know what they can be like then we are on their good side. I am so very sorry about the note you received. You deserve better, you deserve compassion. You are important and deserve respect. Wish I could give you a hug.

I second this. You deserve so much better (we all do!)

[aero0421]

Thanks both. It’s nice to not feel alone in here. We ended up talking all day about stuff. I was finally able to break through the cold wall she had put up.

She said she views us as fundamentally broken and is convinced that I wasn’t right for her. She thinks I’m sensitive and she’s difficult and wild and it can’t work. I’m less sure about that and think a lot of it was circumstances and fixable things. But I guess it doesn’t matter. She doesn’t want to fix it.

She says the new man  “has had a PLEASE READed up life too and gets where my stuff comes from” and he “doesn’t care about kids family marriage or anything”. She’s leaning in to being a difficult person and says it won’t change. So I guess she’s happier with that and felt too much pressure from me and felt like she couldn’t talk to me after we had a few bad fights. She said she felt like she couldn’t be free to be herself and there was no going back for her after that. She said it has nothing to do with love it’s about her triggers and that I trigger her. That she was always worried if she did something wrong I would break. And now she feels like she can say anything to her new guy and so she feels freedom. I can’t relate. For me love is the most important thing. It hurts a lot that she’s happier with someone else so fast. It’s rare for me to fall in love.

I tried to point out that it’s easy to have no expectations in a new relationship and I defended myself and apologized for being unreasonable during those fights. I reminded her of how she was happy with me for the first year, before the push and pull . But she seems to view it all very black and white. I guess I’ll never really know. Maybe my personality does trigger her more than this other person. Or maybe it’s too soon in their relationship for problems to have emerged.

 She admitted to missing me terribly and regrets going so fast and loose with someone so important to her. It’s all just very sad. I think I will always be sad about this.

[Cant breathe]

idk about Dad50, but for me it wasn't. I look back and can honestly say I hated the person in my brain when I was still trying to be "friends" with him after the first discard. I felt crazy, unwanted, unloved, except for the few moments he acted like he wanted me. He was really good at saying the right thing, but never acting on it. He told me I was amazing, pretty, smart, but he never treated me like I was worth his time. I think half the time I was just craving his validation. It seriously is like a drug, I don't understand it at all.

I understand this so well. You have been so hurt and invalidated in this relationship and your brain is on overdrive trying to make sense of it. So you keep trying to get that kind word from him, chasing for a sliver of what you had with him. But you never get it because he is incapable of a human response. It's all wooden. It is definitely like a drug that I would love to detox from.

[ILMBPDC]

Hi Aero I can see a little more clearly what's going on, and it's what happens with many of these relationships with someone with BPD.   We're with a person who is constantly telling us stories (lying) and we believe them, along with creating our own stories about them, e.g. 'This person is the love of my life, we were meant to be together, it was her ex husband that was the problem, etc...'.

It's hard to accept and understand that it was all just one big lie, a big delusion that is so aptly and convincingly portrayed by our BPDexs there seems no way it couldn't be true, but it's not.  The picture you're painting above is just the beginning of another (false) story, a big lie, and how these people "flip the switch" I don't know.  No one does, but it is what happens.  3 months, 3 years,  3 decades, they drop (discard) someone like they are chopped liver and it's over.

I have a slightly different take on what Ad Meliora is saying...
BPD people feel things in moments but those moments can be fleeting - if you look at it that way, they probably did feel all those things at the moment they said them but then later it was "out of sight, out of mind" and the feelings were no longer immediate so they no longer mattered.  As a personal example: after he dumped me the first time for someone else, I was shocked...the last couple times I saw him in person he had said he loved me.  I asked him something to the effect of "was it all BS?" and he responded with he "felt it at the time".  

My point is that while it was real for us, and may have been real for them for a fleeting moment, they don't seem to have the capability of sustaining those feelings like most people. I think sometimes we feel like they are intentionally duping us - I truly don't believe that they sit around plotting ways to hurt people -  their emotions don't work the same way.  In our world, it was all lies but in their world, they felt it at some point so they did nothing wrong. Of course its not normal or right how they act and we shouldn't let them off the hook for hurting us but understanding that they are not (usually) intentionally being manipulative monsters can help you heal. Its a personality disorder, not psychopathy (not to say as some BPDs don't exhibit psychopathy symptoms, of course they can have other issues as well).

[aero0421]

Really struggling after hashing it all out with her yesterday. She always has so much conviction. She has sort of convinced me that she did somehow find the perfect person for her. Immediately after leaving me. It feels so painful that he gets to be happy with her. I think she is partly right that we had our issues, but I really do think a lot/most of it was circumstantial and it all could have been fixed. She just didn’t want to fix it. She does not view it as fixable.
Maybe his personality is more suited to her. She said they are just “living in the moment” without worrying about the future. And she feels she can be herself with him because he’s gone through similar things with his parents. Who knows. It’s been 4 months. I know it’s bad but I want so badly for their relationship to not work out.

[ILMBPDC]

Really struggling after hashing it all out with her yesterday.

Honestly at this point you need to focus on you and your healing. Go No Contact - obviously having contact just hurts you further. Do you have a therapist? 

[aero0421]

Honestly at this point you need to focus on you and your healing. Go No Contact - obviously having contact just hurts you further. Do you have a therapist?

Yes, I spoke to my therapist today thank god (I talk to her twice a week). Kel messaged me a few more times today, saying it meant a lot to talk with me and that she misses me in her life. On the one hand, I did have a lot of things I had wanted to say to her, and finally had the chance to, so it's the closest I'll get to closure. It's also just strange hearing from her so much after 5 months of silence.

But I doubt I can handle actually being friends. It's already painful knowing she's with someone else, let alone if I had to hear about it or see it. And it frustrates me so much that she just ran off to someone new who quote "had a messed up life" like her.